


Living and Forgetting

by AFships



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Radio, Destiel - Freeform, Fluff, Heaven, M/M, Smut, Soul healing, Soulmates, post-hell!dean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-31
Updated: 2015-01-12
Packaged: 2018-01-17 15:30:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 47,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1392847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AFships/pseuds/AFships
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean was ripped away from me and pulled back to earth after what was perceived by humans to be four months, but had left him with forty agonizing years worth of memories in Hell. He lives now with four decades of pain weighing down on his shoulders and a vicious tear in his soul where our year of healing in Heaven used to be.  A year of new experiences and of learning to love and trust, gone in an instant. Though I knew I would be executed if I attempted to bring back Dean's memory of Heaven--his memory of me--seeing the pain he now withstands on earth every day has given me only one choice.  There is, however, one question I still struggle to answer.<br/>Will dying for the man whose love gave you life truly save him at all?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

** Prologue **

From the very beginning, we were told that each of us had a specific purpose.  Each angel was to find that purpose for themselves and use their knowledge and experience to fulfill it.  Without a purpose, we meant nothing to our father. I, of course, struggled to find mine.  As each of my brothers and sisters found their meaning and left Heaven to fulfill them, I began to wonder if I had truly been assigned one at all.  Ashamed of this possibility, I left as well, and began scrounging the newly formed earth for the purpose my father _must have_ assigned me.  

I had always been intrigued by the beginnings of earth; I saw it as a miracle.After all, it was my father’s creation.  With no options remaining, I sought to find every phenomenon my father had produced, to document each of them, and to grow wiser from them.  I believed this could be my chance to have my own purpose, and, being the trained soldier that I was, I was determined to complete my task perfectly.

I have since seen more miracles than almost any other entity of my father’s creation. I witnessed a primitive earth as it orbited the sun for the very first time, saw the construction of the tower of Babel, and watched from the shore as the first fish wriggled its way onto the sand. 

But never was there anything as miraculous as his soul.  

I had never seen anything as beautiful and bright, even though it had been completely shattered—almost beyond my repair.  I had spent countless centuries seeking out new miracles and believing that I had nearly completed my task, but the truth was that I had never really seen a miracle at all. The day I first laid eyes on Dean’s soul was the day I learned that true miracles came only once in every being’s lifetime. 

Angels in the garrison were told that no mortal being could ever be more than a subject to us, much less take precedence over the commands of our Father.  Before Dean, I believed them.  I shied away from any emotional attachments with humans, stuck to the status quo like the soldier I was trained to be.  I wasted so much time.  Centuries and centuries of life and love that I could have been exposed to, but I was blind to it all. Tragic though it seems, I know now that it was always meant to be _him_.  Dean showed me the kindness I had never been given and the love I never thought I deserved; he somehow provided clarity to my centuries of hopelessly searching for what was missing.  He rewrote my story, and showed me the true purpose I had been searching for since the dawn of time.

We were so foolishly preoccupied with each other that we barely noticed the end staring us in the face.  The end of us…the end of me.  Dean was ripped from Heaven and pulled back to earth after what was perceived by humans to be four months, but had left him with forty agonizing years worth of memories in Hell.  Our relationship was seen as an abomination, and for that the others unfairly punished Dean.  He lives now with four decades of pain weighing down on his shoulders and a vicious tear in his soul where our year of healing in Heaven used to be.  A year of new experiences and of learning to love and trust, gone in an instant.

As expected, I was severely chastised as well, and I was warned that attempting to bring back Dean’s memories of Heaven would result in my immediate execution.  Like a coward, I agreed to keep our memories from Dean.In exchange for my obedience, I was granted minimal contact with Dean on earth, much to my surprise.

However, seeing him on earth now, having reverted back to his cold, untrusting, self-deprecating behavior, has been a worse punishment than anything I withstood in Heaven.Perhaps that was their intention when they allowed me to be with him.Dean is broken, and without his memories of healing, he will never be the man I pieced together day by day, and the man who did the same for me in return.

This realization left me with only one option. I would surrender my entire being in order to fill the holes that threaten to rip Dean apart with every passing day.  I was determined to do so, but I was always stopped as I battled with my own conscience. In the year he was mine, Dean helped me to answer every existential question that ever haunted my thoughts, but this question is one I must answer myself.  
Will dying for the man whose love gave you life truly save him at all?

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

My commands had been suspicious from the start.  Since my creation, my father hadn’t given me one direct order, and now He was trusting me to carry out a task that seemed alarmingly important to him.  No details, no explanations, just a simple task. ‘Raise Dean Winchester from perdition, heal him, and return him to earth.  We have plans for him.’

Or, at least, that is what Uriel had me believe.

I was given one earth month to find myself a vessel to present myself to Dean with, Uriel had said, but that wasn’t nearly enough time.  It seemed that I would have no choice but to make the journey in my natural form, and risk ruining the one task my father had ever given me.

“Uriel, please.Another month?However long it takes for James Novak to be truly ready to become the vessel he has prayed to be?You and I both know he cannot contain me without preparation.”I had begged my brother, hoping for some way to stall until I could perform my duty to my father’s liking. 

Uriel only scoffed in return, “Perhaps, brother, if you had been interacting with humans all along like the rest of us, you would have your own vessel to use as you wish by now.”

“If you would just let me talk with our father I’m sure he would-“

“He is busy, Castiel. Enough.”

I nodded my resignation.  If the human needed to be retrieved immediately, then I would comply.  Disappointing my father was not an option.  However, there were still countless burning questions to be answered.  I couldn’t act until I knew exactly what I was doing, and how I could be successful in doing it.

“Where am I to take the human?” I asked, picking carefully from the lists of questions in my head.

Uriel considered this briefly before responding casually, “Treat him like you would any soul who has left their deceased body.  Take him to his own Heaven.  Somewhere he can heal and thrive before you return him to earth to do God’s bidding.”

Before I could question what exactly God’s bidding was, Uriel had vanished, leaving me to put my obsessive worrying aside, and to take a leap of faith.

————————————————————————————————————

The first thing one should do after raising a man from Hell, I have now learned, is leave him alone.

Dean did nothing but scream for weeks after being brought to Heaven.The reason for this completely baffled me.I worried at first that it was because I hadn’t exactly brought him to _his_ Heaven, but doing so was nearly impossible with the condition of his soul.He could not be analyzed and placed correctly.Instead, I created one for him, one that I had hoped he would be comfortable in, but more than that, one he would feel safe in.  


I did not have much experience with humans prior to this, but I knew enough to understand that the constant wailing from Dean’s chamber was not the sign of a happy human. With no other means of consoling him, I chose to leave him to cope on his own.Time would tell what part of the healing process I would be responsible for.

Fortunately, in the time it took him to settle, I was finally able to acquire my own vessel.  It seemed like a monumental event to me at the time, having completed a task that all the other angels had taunted me for neglecting, but when I returned to my brothers and sisters to present my vessel I was brushed aside.  I wondered if father would be proud to see my vessel, but I knew I wasn’t allowed to speak with him without permission. Permission from whom, I wasn’t sure.  Our father had more important jobs that warranted his attention.

Finally, two weeks and three days after raising Dean from Hell, the screaming stopped.

I was apprehensive, to say the least.  When I first saw Dean on the racks of Hell, I was shocked by the state of his soul.  It was almost completely obliterated, of course, but still…it somehow shined brighter than any I had seen in Heaven.  As if it refused to give up.  As if nothing could even begin to truly break it down. It interested me greatly, but it was also intimidating.  Who exactly was Dean Winchester?  It was clear that God had chosen this man for whatever great duty he needed fulfilled for a reason, though I was still unclear what his duty was.

After pacing for what felt like hours, considering all of my options, and deciding that there was no more time for procrastination, I entered his chamber.

Dean was sitting with his legs hanging off the side of his bed, his elbows on his thighs, and his face in his hands.  I was unsure what this body language conveyed.  Was he hurting?  Sad?  Perhaps he was tired.  After all, he had screamed relentlessly for almost three weeks straight; it would make sense for him to be worn out.  I swallowed down any uncertainty and greeted him with as much authority as I could muster.

“Hello, Dean.” 

The sound of my voice caused Dean to bolt upright, his head snapping in my direction.  The look of fear and confusion on his face (finally, an emotion I recognized) startled me, and I was unsure how to react.

“Who the hell are you?  Where am I?” Dean yelled hoarsely, rising unsteadily to his feet and holding onto the bed post for support.  He was physically much weaker than I had anticipated.

“Sit down.  You are not yet strong enough to be shouting, Dean.”  I warned, trying unsuccessfully to keep my tone stern.  I had not expected such an intense reaction.

“The hell I am!” Dean laughed, “What are you? A demon? And what, now _you’re_ gonna make me a deal too?” He took another shaky step forward and laughed coldly, still holding on to the bedpost for support. “Forget it.  I’ve had my fair share.  I’m not about to do you people any more favors.”

I tilted my head to the side curiously. _A demon?_ How is it that Dean could not see through my vessel to my true form?  He had seen it in Hell; I assumed that meant he would recognize me even hidden by my vessel.  Clearly, I was wrong.  There was a lot to be learned about Dean Winchester.

“No. I am not a creature of Hell, Dean.”  I assured him, worriedly watching as Dean’s legs shook underneath him.  “I am an angel of the Lord.”  I held Dean’s gaze, hoping he would now calm down.

For a moment he seemed to believe me, but he suddenly erupted into sarcastic laughter, his expression menacing.

“Right, buddy.  And I’m the Queen of England.”  He rolled his eyes.

I squinted at Dean and considered his statement for a moment.

“You are not the Queen of England. Queens are female.  You are Dean Winchester,”  I paused to look up and down his body and finished, “and you are what I perceive to be male.”

Dean’s laughter stilled almost immediately and his expression went somewhat blank, though I struggled to understand why.  I had just made a perfectly sound observation and conveyed it to him appropriately.  Was there something I was missing? I was about to ask if something I said had offended him when Dean cleared his throat.

“It was a _joke_ , man.  You ever heard of sarcasm?”  He asked, while moving to lean his shoulder against the bedpost, relieving his legs of some of the weight.  I still couldn’t quite find the humor in his ‘joke’, but I nodded as if I understood. “Angel of the Lord, huh?” Dean continued,  “Well, that sounds just peachy— only there’s no such thing.”

I sighed softly, and took a step toward Dean, but he immediately tensed and backed away from me, nearly falling as he did.  I held my hands up in surrender instinctively, but Dean didn’t shift his defensive stance for a moment. 

I slowly lowered my hands and answered, “I can assure you, there _is_.  You must have faith, Dean.”  I searched his face for any hint of resignation, but found none.  Shaking my head in disbelief, I added, “I expected that you would be skeptical of my identity, but I was not told that you would be skeptical of my existence.”

“This is bull shit!” Dean immediately retorted.  He took several unsteady steps in my direction, his face becoming slightly paler as he did.  Dean spat, “Who are you working for?  You got a boss, right?  This is some kind of test, and if I fail you’re gonna put me right…back _there?”_   

The fear that laced his words was perhaps more troubling to me than his physical weakness.  It occurred to me that I had no real idea of what _exactly_ I had raised Dean from.  In the garrison, we hear rumors of the trials those condemned to Hell withstand, but something told me that Dean’s experience was much different. 

“I _saved_ you from Hell, Dean.  I have no intention of putting you back.” I promised. I wasn’t entirely sure what I was allowed to tell Dean regarding my orders, but it seemed that being completely honest with him was the only way to gain his trust.  “I was ordered to bring you here, to heal you if needed, and to return you to earth.”  I explained.

“And where exactly is ‘here’?” Dean questioned in a mocking tone. 

“Heaven, of course.  There was no other place fitting for a-“

“Alright, enough!” Dean shouted, the sound of his tired voice echoing in the small chamber.  “Listen, I don’t know how much longer you were planning on keeping up this little charade but I’m gonna make it real clear for you: I ain’t buying it.  So why don’t you do yourself a favor and…”

Dean’s voice trailed off and his eyes lost focus.  His knees began shaking harder than before, and it was clear that standing wasn’t going to be an option for much longer. Closing the gap between us with a few steps, I grabbed on to Dean’s shoulders and pulled him swiftly to the bed, laying him down.  Dean winced as I gripped his shoulders, but his expression softened once he was no longer struggling to remain on his feet.

“Dean, I would be happy to discuss this with you another day, but right now you have no other option but to trust me.  I’m going to put you to sleep now.”  I announced, taking a step closer to the head of the bed.

“You’re going to _what?”_   Dean barely managed to choke out before my two fingers touched his forehead and his eyelids fell shut.

Once Dean was sleeping soundly, I sighed—both with relief and great worry.  The first encounter was over, but the human had turned out to be much more hostile than I anticipated. I knew that I would not initially be very skilled when it came to reasoning with humans, but it seemed that not only did I fail to gain Dean’s trust, I caused him to see me as an enemy.

With nothing left to do for the night, I decided to evaluate Dean’s condition further.  I hovered my hand over his chest and closed my eyes, analyzing what could be done about his soul.  I saw it as I did before, but with time to really focus on it, I was able to appreciate how truly unique it was.

Dean’s soul had been worn down to almost nothing, but the bits and pieces that I could see were unlike anything I had ever witnessed.  It was gorgeous, mesmerizing even.  I could only imagine how stunning it must be when it’s whole.  In that moment, I understood that the large amount of effort it would take to heal Dean would be more than worth it to have rekindled a soul with such overwhelming beauty.

I removed my hand and opened my eyes, turning away from Dean.  I had so much new information filling my thoughts, and now even more questions that would surely go unanswered.  Overwhelmed, I prepared to fly from the chamber, but I was stopped by the sudden memory of Dean’s face when I touched him.  Was he somehow injured?  Had _I_ hurt him?  I knew I would worry until I had an answer, so I turned once more to Dean.  

Dean’s reaction to my touch could have been due to our sudden closeness, but the look I saw was different from fear: it was pain.  I shifted my gaze to his shoulders—where I had grabbed Dean to help him to the bed. Leaning over him as he slept, I carefully lifted the sleeve of his black shirt.  His right shoulder looked normal, although I wasn’t exactly informed when it came to the physical structure of humans. I had only just started using a body myself.  Just to be sure, I lifted the sleeve of his left shoulder.  I had to blink several times to be sure that what I was seeing was correct, and not just a fault in my human vessel’s eyes.

A handprint. _My handprint_ burned onto his skin.

I lifted his sleeve up further to reveal it entirely, being careful not to wake Dean.  I was aware that seeing the true form of an angel was detrimental to humans, but I had never heard that any harm was caused by physical contact. 

I traced the outline of the burn with my hand, noticing that my fingers tingled slightly in response.  A sudden calm washed over me; the nervousness I felt around Dean earlier had morphed into curiosity and interest.  My entire existence had been predictable and monotonous until I was given this task, but now there was so much potential for knowledge and growth.  I was suddenly convinced that Dean’s brand was the beginning of something bigger than either of us had ever experienced. The sheer power of my true form may have caused the burn, but I couldn’t seem to shake the feeling  that there was some other cause I was missing.

Prying myself away from the strange pull the handprint hand over me, I pulled Dean’s sleeve down once again and stepped away from the bed slowly.  I watched him for a moment longer, and made a silent promise to myself.  A promise for my sake, as well as Dean’s.

I would look after him, I would use every ounce of my knowledge and ability to heal him completely, and in return I would learn more from him than I had learned in my entire existence.

Yes, there was certainly a lot to be learned from Dean Winchester.  The human with the extraordinary soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Bridget for giving my brain the jump start it needed to complete this chapter!


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

The angels were surprisingly loud that night.

When I tuned in to communicate with Uriel, I could hardly make the connection through the thousands of angels excitedly shouting in enochian: “Dean Winchester is saved!”

At first it struck me as odd that my brothers and sisters (who commonly disregarded me and the other angels in my garrison) were so interested in my assignment, but then again, Dean was still somewhat of an enigma to me.He could be the most important human in the history of mankind for all I knew.It would make sense if he was, actually, since God himself had apparently planned something amazing for him.Still, I was surprised and strangely honored by their sudden approval of me.

Trying to sift through the conversations of thousands was quite an ordeal, and I was not being very patient.  I couldn’t wait another moment to tell Uriel about my conversation with Dean; he would be interested to know about the handprint too, I was sure.  By the time I reached him, I could barely contain my excitement.

“Brother, I was finally able to speak with Dean.  He is weak, but given time I’m confident I can heal him.  He will be all that God has intended him to be, I am sure of it.” I beamed with pride as I spoke, hoping that Uriel would share my excitement.  After a few moments with no response, I tentatively asked, “Maybe now you could tell me what exactly His intentions are, Uriel.  It is difficult for me to prepare Dean for life on earth when I do not know what I am preparing him for.”  I knew that Uriel would be irritated by my incessant questions, but I had to take advantage of my sudden bravery.

Uriel sighed, “Castiel, I have been through this with you.  Our garrison is responsible for surveilling and protecting the humans.  Dean Winchester is a very special human, and we must pay more attention to protecting him. God is planning to use him to his full potential.”  He tried to keep his tone casual, but I could sense that he was holding back anger.  Anger about what, I wasn’t sure.

“Yes, but for _what?_   What is God planning?” I pleaded, hoping that Uriel would understand how important it was for me to know.

“Castiel.”  Uriel lowered his voice dramatically, so that any prying angels could not overhear.  “You are not ignorant to the fact that one of the seals has been broken.”  He paused, and I recalled having heard angels discussing this news in other garrisons.  I didn’t care then to know which seal or who had broken it; I didn’t know it would become significant.  “The apocalypse imminent, Castiel.  We are forming our army.  When Lucifer is freed from his cage—and he will be freed—we need to be ready.  God believes that Dean Winchester can save us all.”

I knew before that Dean must be important, but I was not at all expecting him to be so vital to mankind.  “Dean will save us?  But how?  He is an ordinary human, is he not?”  I questioned.  

“ _You_ are the one God chose to complete this task, not I.”  Uriel responded, resentment evident in his tone.  That would explain his anger. “It’s time you figured these things out on your own, Castiel.  Prove to God that he did not make a mistake by choosing you.”

And with that, the connection was lost and I was alone with my thoughts again.  Perhaps it was for the best that I didn’t bring up my handprint on Dean’s shoulder.  I could and I _would_ figure it out on my own.

So, Dean Winchester was to be the savior of mankind.  Now I just needed to know why.  His soul was quite unique, but perhaps there was more to it than just that.  Perhaps he was inhuman, some sort of powerful entity that is capable of putting an end to apocalyptic events.  This must be it.  How could a human be destined to perform such an impossible task?

Whatever the case, I was determined to sort it all out.  It was clear that Dean’s healing process would be a long one; I had all the time I needed to learn everything about him.  I would prove to God and to myself that I was capable of doing great things all on my own.

Disappointing father, I reminded myself, is _never_ an option.

————————————————————————————————————

When I returned to check on Dean, he was banging loudly on the door to his chamber. In a panic, I flew to his room, materializing behind him as he slammed his hands against the wooden door.

“What happened? Is something wrong?”  I worriedly asked, rushing toward him.

Dean jumped and turned to face me, tensing as I approached.  I immediately stopped in my tracks.  “Get back!” He shouted, and I quickly complied.  “Don’t sneak up on me like that!” Dean allowed his shoulders to slouch once we were a safe distance apart.  Though he was putting on a great performance, it was clear that he wasn’t feeling as healthy as he pretended to be.

“My apologies.  I only wanted to know why you were banging on the door.  Are you hurt?” I asked, my eyes tracing his body for any signs of a new ailment.

“What do you care if I’m hurt?  If you don’t remember, you knocked me out just a few hours ago.”  He snapped.

“I did not harm you, Dean.  I put you to sleep.  You need to rest as much as possible in order to make a full recovery.”  I explained, motioning to his bed in the hopes that he would relent and sit back down.

I had no such luck.

Dean’s expression changed quickly from defensive to predatory, and he took a few steps toward me before responding.  “Listen, buddy-“

“My name is Castiel.”  I interrupted, frustrated with the unfitting nicknames he kept using.  As far as I could tell, Dean did not consider me his ‘buddy’, or even an acquaintance.

“Fine. Castiel. I have no intention of staying in this hell hole-“

“This is not Hell, Dean.  I told you before, I have brought you to Heaven.”  I interrupted again, making sure he hadn’t misunderstood our previous conversation.

Dean just stared at me, clearly in a state of great confusion.  “I didn’t mean- I wasn’t- just…forget it.  I’m not staying here, end of story.  So either you let me go willingly, or so help me God, I-“

“God will not help you to leave Heaven, Dean.  I told you that He is the one who ordered you to be taken here.  Did you listen to anything I said to you before?”  I asked.  Perhaps there was cranial damage as well as the damage to his soul.

Dean closed his eyes and clenched his fists.  “It’s a figure of speech.” He practically growled as he opened his eyes and stepped back to lean against the door.  “Since you clearly have some sort of social handicap, I’m gonna make this real simple for you.  I am not staying here.  You either open this door, or I’m gonna bust it down.  Got it?”

I shook my head in disbelief.  “Why do you want to leave?  I am no threat to you, Dean.  I am here to heal you and return you to earth.”  Dean rolled his eyes in response.  His stubbornness seemed impenetrable; I would have to find other means to make him comply.  “You are weak.  Even if you _could_ break down the door—and I’m certain you could not in this state—you would not be able to get back to earth.  Nothing and no one can leave Heaven unless an angel or God himself has permitted it.”  I explained.

Dean looked slightly offended by the notion that he couldn’t break down the door, but his expression soon softened as his gaze dropped to the floor.  He cleared his throat and asked, “You mind telling me why God is locking me up like some kind of prisoner?” 

“You are not locked up, Dean. Nor are you a prisoner.”  I replied, feeling very proud of myself for being able to convince Dean to stay.  At least for now. Dean laughed sarcastically and shook his head.  I added, “If you would like free reign to roam the bunker, I will not argue.  However, I will not allow it until your health improves significantly.” If all Dean needed was an incentive to rest, I would offer him whatever rewards he wanted.

Dean looked up at me and questioned, “Bunker?  There are bunkers in Heaven?”

“Not necessarily.”  I explained. “Each person has their own personal version of Heaven.  I took you here because I thought you would be comforted by a safe place.”  

Dean stared at me for a moment and then looked away, nodding subtly.  It was clear that he still wasn’t completely trusting my explanation.  After a long silence, Dean sighed loudly, “Fine. I’ll sit.” and sunk into a large chair to the right of the bed.  

I smiled to myself.  Finally, a hint of progress.

With a deep breath I slowly approached Dean to explain the real work that needed to be done.  “Dean, the physical weakness you are experiencing is because your soul has been gravely damaged.  Whatever they did to you in Hell, your soul has been affected the most.”  I studied Dean’s reactions as I spoke, but I could not identify any one emotion in particular. I continued, “Your soul has been shredded by acts of severe evil, and it will be a very long journey to fix it, but I believe it can be done.  If you allow me to help, that is.”

Dean stared for a moment before shaking his head. “No. No way.”  He rose shakily from the chair and stood as tall as he could, though pain was evident on his face.  “You’re not touching me. Not after what happened last time.” He warned. Dean rolled his left sleeve up to his shoulder, revealing the handprint.  “You wanna explain this to me?”

The sight of the burn alone brought back the euphoric sense of reassurance that I experienced when I first discovered it.  It reminded me of something very important: I could gain Dean’s trust, and I would.

“I only just discovered that this morning after I put you to sleep.  I’m not quite sure what to make of it yet.”  I admitted, forcing myself to look away from the handprint.  “I assure you it was not deliberate, but I will find out the exact cause if it will ease your mind.”

Dean rolled his sleeve back down and sat again, carefully.  He attempted to make the movement seem casual, but it was becoming clearer by the minute that Dean was not well. This was ridiculous.  I wasn’t going to make any progress with Dean at this rate.  I could not accept ‘no’ as an answer.

“You and I are both aware that your health is deteriorating.  Whatever happened to you in Hell…it had long lasting effects.”  I took several steps closer to him, trying not to feel guilty when he flinched with each step I took.  “We need you to make a full recovery, and that won’t happen without your soul being in one piece.  Trust me, Dean.  You do not want to live without your soul.”  I assured him.

“Why not?”  Dean snapped.  “Why do you care so much?  Why does _God_ apparently care so much?  Why do I deserve to be healed?”  He asked, an inexplicably dark undertone to his last question.

I started, “Because, Dean, you are destined to-“ 

My voice stopped short when another voice suddenly invaded my thoughts.

_Lie to him, Castiel._ Uriel ordered.  _You must not tell him what we have planned. He is not ready._

My heart sunk at the idea of having to lie to Dean.  _Uriel, I cannot lie to him._ I answered.

_Use his brother.  Tell him that Sam is being targeted by Lilith, and that he needs to return to earth to help us protect him._ Uriel ordered.

“Sam?”  I accidentally asked aloud.  Dean’s head snapped up to look at me, his expression stained with worry and fear.

He stood quickly, holding onto the arm of his chair for support.  “What about Sam?  What’s Sammy got to do with this?”  Dean demanded.  Uriel was apparently right to suggest using Dean’s brother.

I pushed down the nagging feeling of immorality and did as I was told.  “Sam has everything to do with this.”  I lied, feeling a strange knot-like feeling in my stomach as I spoke.  “Your brother is the target of an attack.  A lethal attack by Lilith and her followers.”

If possible, Dean’s face became even paler.  He clutched the arm of the chair tighter and let his eyes fall closed.  It seemed that he was trying to control his breathing.

“How do I know this isn’t a trick?”  He asked breathlessly, his voice much softer now.

“You don’t,” I admitted, “But are you willing to risk losing your brother while you waste time trying to figure that out?”  I hated every word that came out of my mouth, but I knew Uriel would not have suggested lying if it was going to be a detriment to God’s plans for Dean.  He seemed cold at times, but Uriel had always had my best interest at heart.

Dean opened his eyes and looked up at me, his mouth hanging open slightly in shock.  Without saying anything, Dean moved past me and sat down on his bed.  He cleared his throat, “How long is it going to take?”

I tried to think of a lie as quickly as I could, but I was not accustomed to thinking this way. “I can’t be sure until I’ve evaluated your soul’s condition further.”  Dean opened his mouth, no doubt to start another argument, so I quickly added, “I can assure you that my brothers and sisters will keep a close eye on him. No harm will come to him while you are healing.”  I promised with false confidence.

A few moments of thoughtful silence later, Dean nodded.  “Okay.”

I had to fight the wide smile that threatened to follow Dean’s acceptance.  Finally, I had gained his trust.  Even if I had gained it under false pretenses, it counts for something, right?

“Okay.” I echoed.  I approached the bed and warned, “I don’t have much experience with this, but I assume reconstructing a soul will hurt a bit.”  

Dean laughed coldly, “I’ll manage. Trust me.”  There was a flash of fear in his eyes, but he cleared his throat and managed to fake a smile, looking up at me.

I nodded hesitantly, trying to remind myself that no matter what happened, I was doing this for God.  To please my father.  Trying to return a reassuring smile, I motioned for Dean to lie down.

“Let’s get started.”

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

After the first attempt, it was evident that healing Dean’s soul would be much difficult than I expected it to be.  In fact, I was beginning to doubt whether or not I could do it at all.  Yes, it was incredibly damaged—that much was clear at first glance—but there was something else there I hadn’t expected to find.  There was something very dark within his soul that was keeping me from making progress; it stopped me from touching Dean’s soul at all.  Whatever it was, it almost seemed like it was causing his soul to deteriorate further. Perhaps it was something put there by some force of evil in Hell, or maybe it was something that resided in Dean’s soul even before the hell hounds took him.  At the time, however, it’s origin didn’t matter to me. What mattered was that, despite my best efforts, I could not remove it.

Centuries ago, all of the angels in my garrison were taught the proper technique with which to reconstruct and handle souls.  Though we never had the opportunity to experiment with them directly, I considered myself to be something of an expert.  Without any real purpose or task given to me by my father, I occupied myself in any way I could.  Seeing as I was in a garrison that was directly responsible for watching after humans, I figured that knowing everything about the human soul would eventually help me to become useful to father.  When he assigned Dean to me, I was so proud that my hard work had paid off. My father had finally shown that I had some level of worth in his eyes.  After an accomplishment like that, how could I tell him that healing Dean’s soul was a task I could not complete?

The answer was simple: I wouldn’t.

As I prepared to start the healing process for the first time, I realized that keeping myself calm was near impossible.  Dean had allowed his eyes to close as he clutched nervously at the sheets.  I knew that this was extremely difficult for him, but I had no comforting words to offer.  I was just as scared as he was.  I pushed up the right sleeve of Jimmy Novak’s trench coat and carefully rolled the white button down shirt up to my elbow.  I knew that I would have to delve deep to locate every torn piece of Dean’s soul, scattered like shrapnel across a battlefield. Placing my palm carefully on his chest—and feeling him flinch at my touch—I took a deep breath and closed my eyes as well. All irrelevant thoughts were pushed from my mind; Dean needed to be my one and only focus.

_Inhale;_ all of my energy converged in the palm of my hand, and my true form began to seep through the vessel that masks it.  I realized then that it was probably for the best that Dean had chosen to close his eyes. A blueish glow began to shine from behind my vessel’s eyes, and a blinding white light erupted from the hand I had pressed against Dean’s chest.  The sheer power of my true form caused my vessel’s hand to become translucent. My angelic being was clearly visible, but it was still contained within Jimmy’s body—just barely.  I was suddenly very glad that I applied so much time and effort to preparing him for my use.  Though I was supremely focused on the accumulation of my energy, I could feel Dean’s heartbeat quickening beneath my hand.  It may have helped to assure him that he would be alright, to calm him down before I began, but Dean would see straight through a lie like that.  Neither of us could predict how this would end.

_Exhale;_ my power breached Dean’s physical body, and I was vaguely aware of a scream from somewhere nearby.  The noise dampened quickly, and I allowed myself to continue without distraction. I delved far beyond Dean’s physical body and into the part of Dean that made him the individual he was; the most important component of every human being. The soul.  Breaking into this realm was far more taxing than I anticipated, and I felt my power begin to fade.  I searched quickly—realizing there was something blocking my way almost immediately—and pulled myself out of Dean’s spiritual realm in a matter of seconds.

I stumbled backward, almost losing my balance.  The sensation of being sucked back into the confines of my vessel was still foreign to me; I fought the initial panic as my massive form was once again restrained within Jimmy.  Once everything settled and I readjusted inside my vessel, I opened my eyes.  I examined my hand for a moment to be sure that I hadn’t damaged my vessel while handing Dean’s soul, and sighed with relief when I was sure everything was the way it had been before.

My gaze shifted then to Dean.  He had curled himself up on his side facing away from me.  He was breathing loudly, soft whimpers occasionally accompanying his exhalation.  Centuries ago, when we were first taught to handle human souls, we were told that humans was not commonly able to remain conscious after having their soul touched by our overwhelmingly powerful grace.  I did not expect Dean to be any different, but then again, Dean was a very ‘different’ human.  He was definitely awake, and clearly in a mild state of shock.

How could I admit to Dean that after putting him through that pain, I did not make any progress?  Did he know about the barricade that was putting a halt to the process?  Definitely not.  With his brother’s life at risk, Dean would not have allowed me to waste his time.  His breathing began to sound less like desperate gasping, but he still did not turn to face me.

I stood for a moment just watching him. I wanted to somehow conjure up a solution right then and there, to help Dean understand the problem and trust me enough to try again, but he remained still on the bed, and my brain was as blank as ever.  

I cleared my throat, “Dean?”  My voice was meek and shaky.  His lack of a response reduced me to a stuttering mess as I tried to apologize for my failure.  “Dean, I…I don’t know what…I thought I could-“ I stammered, but my train of thought faltered as Dean rolled onto his back with a loud grunt.

“You better be trying tell me that you did what you had to do and now you can take me to Sam.”He panted, looking at me with tired eyes.“You _did_ do it, right?”

I stared at him, horrified and confused, with my mouth hanging slightly open.  “I-I apologize, Dean, this was not what I-“

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.” Dean growled, angrily pushing himself up to a sitting position, his back against the headboard. 

“It was not as straightforward as I anticipated.”  I quickly explained, looking down at my feet.  I could not bear to make eye contact with him.

Dean shook his head and clenched his jaw.  He was angry of course, but there was something else causing his intense reaction. Worry laced his expression, and there was a hint of something else I could not identify.  Suddenly, his expression changed.  “Do it again.  Right now.” He ordered, laying himself back down on the bed and closing his eyes. “You have to try again.”

My head snapped up at Dean, and I blinked rapidly. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, you are going to use that angel mojo of yours and make it happen for real this time. _”_ He shouted, squeezing his eyes shut.  His body was so tense that it seemed as if he was shaking head to toe.

“Dean, I tried already.  There is something in my way-“

“ _Try harder!”_ He growled, opening his eyes and turning to look at me.  The whites of his eyes had turned redder; they appeared to have a glossy sheen.  When I did not move from where I stood or respond to his outburst, Dean sighed and leaned himself against the headboard again. He lowered his voice, “You told me that Lilith and the black-eyed gang are planning an attack on my brother, and you still expect me to sit here and wait for him to get killed? That ain’t happening.”  He shifted with great difficulty to face me more fully, and continued with conviction. “Castiel, you have to try again.”

I sighed, “Dean, I understand your concern, but I promise you that Sam is safe-“

“I’m not giving you an option.”

“This isn’t advised, Dean-“

“I’m done arguing about this. Do it now or I swear-“

“Dean!”  I shouted, finally getting his attention.  “If I try again, and if I am unsuccessful, you will only be damaged further.  Your soul is not durable right now; I could destroy it for good.” I warned.

Dean’s eyes locked on mine, and his expression hardened. “If Sam gets killed because of me, I won’t need a soul anyway.  I’ll be as good as dead.” He said, his voice catching slightly.  “I’m not gonna waste any more time, Castiel.  Because if they so much as touch Sammy, and I could have been there…” Dean’s voice trailed off and he looked away from me.  My chest ached.  I wanted nothing more than to tell him what God’s true purpose for him was.  I wanted him to know that his brother was safe, that Sam had never truly been in danger, but Uriel’s warnings replayed in my mind. _He is not ready._

I thought back to the first time I saw Dean’s soul in Hell.  I couldn’t deny that there _was_ something special about it, something that might just make him stronger than the average human.  I had underestimated Dean before; who knew what he was truly capable of?

I nodded.  “I understand.”

Dean’s eyes widened, and for a moment I thought he might smile, but he quickly looked away from me and laid himself back down on the bed.  I walked toward him slowly, and placed my hand over his chest hesitantly.  

“Are you ready?” I asked, giving him one last chance to change his mind. Dean closed his eyes.  He raised a clenched fist to his mouth and bit down, nodding quickly in response when he was prepared.  I swallowed the lump in my throat and repeated the process from before, hearing Dean’s muffled scream from behind his fist as I began.

This time, I did not waste time focusing on Dean’s soul, I immediately searched for the unknown ‘something’ that was lurking within.  Not only could I sense it, I could almost _feel_ it pushing against me and forcing me out of Dean’s spiritual realm.  Being fatigued from the first attempt, it did not surprise me when I was involuntarily ejected.  The second attempt was as much of a failure as the first.

I stumbled back a few steps as I regained control of my vessel, and looked nervously at Dean.  He had regained his composure quicker this time, though his hands shook and a thin layer of sweat covered his skin.  When his eyes finally met mine, it was clear that he understood what had happened.  His face fell and he turned his head away from me.

Staying in the room with him after such a despicable failure was unbearable.  I quickly flew, leaving Dean to recuperate on his own while I searched for answers.  I couldn’t go to Uriel after something like this; he would only ridicule me.  There was only one other angel who would show me compassion, and help me to get past this.  

————————————————————————————————————

“Anna?” I called as I walked along the sidewalk of a suburban neighborhood in Massachusetts.My sister was—like the rest of our garrison—stationed on earth, but had no legitimate orders.She tended to wander, searching for something to occupy her mind.We had that longing in common.She had been in that little town the last time I spoke with her, and I sensed that she was there still, but she was nowhere in sight.  

I studied the rows of houses as I waited for some sign of Anna, noting how monotonous and trivial the lives of the humans who inhabited them seemed to be.  Each house was lined with that same white picket fence. The grass was neatly trimmed, the flowers were grown to perfection in the garden. I took in every detail.  I couldn’t help but wonder how these humans continued to wake up every morning knowing that they had no purpose greater than living up to social standards set by the enigmatic members of an extinct society.

The faint sound of wings flapping stopped my wandering, and I turned to face my sister.

“Castiel.” She smiled, gazing at me with familiar adoration.  It was an intimate look; one I only ever received from her.  The other angels never seemed to understand my eternal longing, my need to find what God had planned for me, but Anna always listened.  She was the only one in my garrison who shared my desire.  “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

I smiled stiffly in return and walked toward her.  “I came to ask for your help, Anna.  I’m sure you have heard from the others about my task.”

She nodded, “I have.  I am proud of you, Castiel.  You must be thrilled to have been trusted with this responsibility.”

I looked down and tugged nervously at the knot of my tie.  “Yes, it is _quite_ a responsibility.” I confirmed.  I breathed deeply before looking back up to Anna and admitting, “I’m afraid that it is one I am unfit to handle.”

She tilted her head at me. “Of course you can handle it.  Father would not have assigned Dean to you if you could not handle him.” Anna assured me.

“I know that,” I responded, “but there is something…different about him.  Something I hadn’t expected.”  Seeing her confused expression, I continued, “I tried to heal his soul as I was instructed, but I could not.  There is something there, Anna.  Something dark that is stopping me from coming anywhere near piecing him back together.”  

Anna furrowed her brow and looked down.  She began walking past me as she though, muttering, “That is unexpected, yes.  But not uncommon.”  I turned around to follow her as she walked, but she suddenly turned again to face me.  “Have you asked Dean about his time in Hell yet?” She asked.

Asking hadn’t even occurred to me. “No,” I admitted, “I didn’t realize that it was important.”

“It is _very_ important.” She insisted, taking another step toward me.  “Castiel, if there is something evil in Dean’s soul that is powerful enough to keep you out, you need to find it’s origin.  What they did to him may not be something you can heal with your grace.  Dean’s healing process may need to be a bit more… _human_.”

I squinted at her questioningly.  “Human?” I repeated.

“Yes.” She said, “It will take time.  Maybe a very long time; I am not certain. You will not know for sure what needs to be done until you know what the damage is.”  This much I understood, but the very mention of having a sensible conversation with Dean worried me more than being told I needed to breach Hell to free him.  

My expression must have given this away, because Anna placed a hand on my shoulder and spoke softly, “You _can_ do this.”  I did not yet believe her, but I nodded anyway.  She brushed something invisible off the shoulder of my coat and took a step back to get a more complete look at me. “By the way, your vessel suits you, Castiel” She teased with a wink.

I looked around awkwardly and responded, “Uh—thank you, Anna.”  She smiled and laughed softly, but after one last reassuring look, she left as quickly as she arrived.   
  
One thing was for sure, this task was much more intricate than I had initially expected.  Not only was I faced with the challenge of healing a seemingly irreparable soul, but I was now going to have to gain Dean’s trust enough for him to share his darkest memories of Hell with me.  I silently cursed myself for not socializing with humans in all of my years on earth.

I turned and began walking back in the direction I came in, determined to follow through with Anna’s suggestions.  I would return to the bunker, and I would do the very best I could to break through that stubborn, aggressive, intimidating shield that Dean falsely displays to the rest of the world.

_Oh,_ _God, give me strength._

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**“** Dean?” I shouted to the empty room, suddenly overcome with panic.  I hadn’t left more than an hour ago, and somehow, in his condition, he managed to leave the chamber.  I searched every place he could have possibly been hidden, but it seemed as though the room was completely undisturbed.  It was impossible.  A part of me started to wonder if maybe something went wrong when I attempted to touch Dean’s soul, that maybe I had transferred some sort of transportation capabilities and that Dean was off flying around Heaven somewhere.

_That’s logically impossible, Castiel,_ I reminded myself.

I was preparing to send an emergency signal to my garrison when in my peripheral vision something captured my attention: the door was cracked open.  It completely baffled me; how could he have opened that door when an hour ago he was banging on it for me to release him?  There was no time to imagine the possible scenarios.  I quickly ran from the room and down the hallway, checking each door to see if they were opened.  

I quickly reached the end of the hall. “Dean!” I yelled again, hoping that my voice reverberating off the walls of the small hallway would reach him, wherever he was.  Maybe he had tried to escape, but collapsed somewhere along the way.  Or worse, another angel could have mistaken him for a lost soul and taken him away from here.  Scenario after scenario ran through my mind until, much to my surprise, I heard a door open behind me.  I whipped around, following the direction of the sound as Dean emerged from the room.

“Hey, Gilbert Gottfried, would you mind taking your voice down a few notches?”  He hissed, turning to walk away from me.

He took only two steps before I was behind him, yanking him by his shoulder to face me again.  “How did you get out of that chamber, Dean?” I growled angrily.  I wasn’t exactly sure why _that_ was the question I asked, or even why I was so angry now that I knew he was safe in the bunker.  It must have just been the residual panic of thinking I had lost my father’s charge.  Yes, that must have been it.

With a shocking amount of force, Dean pushed my hand off his shoulder and stepped backward away from me.  “Dude, I just had to take a leak!”  He shouted back, a look on his face that insinuated I should have been aware of this. The only problem with that, of course, was that I had no idea what it meant.

“You were…”  I began to question, “Are you in need of medical assistance, Dean?”

Dean blinked twice. “Why would I need-“ He cut himself short and looked down, seemingly deep in thought.  Suddenly he groaned and covered his face in his hands.  “ _God, Cas._ It’s a figure of- PEEING! I had to PEE!” He shouted, clearly on the verge of laughter.  I began to see a connection between the two, but it still seemed like an unnecessary euphemism. Also, why had Dean shortened my name?  I stared at him in disbelief, unable to think of an adequate response. “You gotta lighten up.” He added, laughing as he spoke.  He turned again to walk away again, and I quickly grabbed his arm.

“Where are you going? How many times do I have to tell you to rest and-“

“Where do you _think_ I’m going?” He said, motioning with his free hand to the room directly to his left.  His chamber. He tried to make his tone more calm as he spoke, “I listened to what you said.  If I’m gonna have any chance of saving Sammy then we’ve gotta figure out this whole ‘soul healing’ thing.” I loosened my grip on his arm and he immediately pulled it free.

His casual regard of the situation completely shocked me.  “I um…yes, that would be ideal.”  I stammered.

Dean looked at me for a moment, the hint of a smile on his lips, and then shook his head as he made his way slowly back into the room.  I watched as he went, trying my best to assess the condition of his physical health.  He was inordinately stronger than he had been when I first saw him, but I couldn’t be sure what was causing it.  A part of me feared that the mysterious darkness within was growing, taking up more of Dean’s being and almost completely rebuilding him into something else, something evil.  I prayed that, instead, his soul was fighting it, pushing it out and starting to reclaim Dean.  That wouldn’t be much of a stretch; Dean’s soul seemed to be capable of all kinds of miraculous things.

When I finally pulled myself out of my train of thought and followed Dean into the chamber, I confronted him about it. “You seem to be much stronger now, Dean.”  He was sitting on the bed, rolling his neck and stretching his muscles.   I continued, “I was gone for, at most, an hour.  What happened?”  I assumed that his response would be ‘no’, but it made me feel better to find out for sure.  I could not tell whether or not sense any restlessness in his soul or mark any changes in it’s composition.

Dean shrugged, “Nothing out of the ordinary.” He was standing now, twisting at the waist and bending his knees, his joints snapping and popping as he moved. “You pulled a Houdini on me, so I decided to get some shut eye before you came back and messed with my soul some more.  By the way, it’s a little more than ‘a bit painful’, Cas.”  He said.

There were several things I did not understand in what Dean had said.  To begin with, I was not entirely sure what a Houdini was, but I was almost positive that I did not have one. Another thing I could not decipher was his movements when he said the words ‘a bit painful’; he raised his hands and moved his index and middle finger on each hand down and up.  It was unclear what his intention was with these movements, but I assumed it was something offensive.  The third and most bewildering of them all, was that this was the second time Dean had called me ‘Cas’.

“That’s the second time you’ve done that.” I told him.

“The second time I’ve done what?”

“You addressed me by a shortened version of my name in the hallway, and you did it again just now.” 

Dean barely managed to hold back a smile as he responded, “Imagine that. You just got your very first nickname.”  He shook his head and walked toward me, patting my shoulder as he passed by, mockingly adding “Consider it a term of endearment.”

“I was under the impression that you did not find me at all endearing.” I said, turning to face him as he walked up and down the length of the room.

Dean laughed, “Oh, don’t get me wrong.  I don’t trust you as far as I can throw you—another figure of speech, just so we’re clear—but it’s kinda hard to threaten a guy who has the social awareness of a five year old.” He began walking with one foot directly in front of the other, holding his arms out to the side for balance.

Pushing aside his last comment, I asked, “You still do not trust me?”

“Why should I?” Dean snapped, suddenly more serious.  He stopped pacing, and the false happiness he was emanating finally gave out. “So far, all you’ve done is lock me up, threaten my brother, and shove your hand through my chest, which, by the way, is not comfortable.”

“Dean, I am no threat to your brother, that is-“

“Lilith, I got that.”  He sighed.  “But I have no way of knowing who the real danger is, now do I?” Accusatory eyes met mine and lingered for a moment, but they soon softened into something else.  I knew he wasn’t waiting for an answer—he wouldn’t believe anything I told him anyway.  It seemed, in a way, that he was willing himself to believe me.  That he wanted so badly for me, for _anybody_ to be someone he could trust.

I tilted my head at him and asked, “What caused you to be so doubtful of others, Dean?  Did Hell do this to you or was this the way you lived before?”

“No, no, no.” Dean quickly interrupted, shaking his head and looking away from me.  “I’m not doing any of this Dr. Phil crap with you.”  It seemed now that he was purposefully referencing people I did not know for the sole purpose of confusing me.

I ignored his remark and continued, “Dean, I am concerned that some trial of Hell is stopping you from being healed by-“

“Forget it, Cas.”  He shouted, looking back at me. “It ain’t happening.”  He walked back to his bed and sat down. Avoiding my gaze, he tried to keep his tone casual as he added, “If you don’t mind, I’m gonna try to get some shut eye.  It’s been a long day, and I only got about half an hour in before you came hollering.”  He laid down and curled away from me, facing the wall.

It was clear that he had no intention of sleeping—he hadn’t slept by his own free will since I brought him here.  However, I took this as a sign that our conversation was over. I would have to try again another day.  It didn’t take long for me to realize how fragile Dean was.  You had to be very careful how you worded things around him; one wrong step and you risk losing any chance at having a friendly conversation.  That is, if he was capable of one.  I had yet to see that happen. 

I watched him for a moment, hoping to see some sign that his body was relaxing, that maybe he could get just a few hours of sleep for the first time in God knows how long, but there was none.He remained on his side, his body curled into a tense ball while he waited for me to leave.I finally relented, “Of course.I will be back, Dean.”

————————————————————————————————————--------------------------------------------------

The next thing I knew, I was on a pier.  I picked a location that Uriel would be most likely to feel calm in, since I knew he would not be pleased with what I wanted to discuss with him.  I looked down the length of the dock and along the beach it stretched out from; there was not a single soul in sight.  I took a deep breath in—not because I physically needed it, of course, but because I figured that this is what most humans do before an important event—and quietly called for him.

“Uriel?” It came out as more of a plea than an order.

In no time at all, Uriel was beside me, looking more tense and cold than I had seen him in years.  He turned to face me, but his vessel was quite a bit taller than mine, and the way he had to look down at me made me feel as if he would crush me at any moment.  This had never been a problem in our natural forms.

“Do you think that I have nothing better to do than babysit you and your precious human, Castiel?” He spat, stepping even closer to me.  “It is despicable enough that I had to take matters into my own hands when the human became defensive, but now you are relying on me to make yet another decision for you?”  He laughed coldly, shaking his head at me.  “Not a chance.”

The look on Uriel’s face infuriated me.  His expression contained not just anger, but also a condescending disappointment.  He did not have the right to judge me; I was not doing this for his sake.  I was doing this because it was the will of my father.

“I am not here to ask for a favor, brother.”  I responded, a bit harsher than I had intended.  “I want to know why you asked me to lie to him.  Do you understand the repercussions of your actions?  Did you know then how important it is for Dean to trust me?  How will he trust me now when the very first conversation we had was deceitful?  Not _just_ that, but a threat to his own brother.”  I growled, my voice lowering in pitch as I felt my patience running thin.  From the start, Uriel had not been helpful to me.  He was so tangled in his own jealousy that there was no chance of him being able to help me with my messes.

He rolled his eyes, and walked a few steps down the pier.  “You are naïve, Castiel.  So inexperienced _._ ” He sneered, clasping his hands behind his back and gazing out at the water before him.  “You still think so highly of our father’s… _apes._ Do you think they are intelligent enough to understand deceit?  To be able to understand our Heavenly plans?  If the human does not know we are lying, then we don’t have to worry about his juvenile insecurities.”

I pulled him roughly by his shoulder to face me.  “I do not think father would be pleased to hear such blasphemy from you, Uriel.”

“Father isn’t here.”

“Dean Winchester is not an ape, nor is any human.”

Uriel paused, regarding me for a moment, “Have you a special compassion for this human, Castiel?”

I stood straighter defensively.  “I care for all of God’s creations.” I responded.

Uriel shook his head, a malicious smile on his lips.  “There’s more to it than that, isn’t there, Castiel?”  He speculated.

“I have touched his soul, Uriel.”  I retorted, “I can see that Dean is different than the other souls in Heaven.  However, that light I saw within him when I raised him from perdition is fading fast.  It has been poisoned by something evil, something I do not recognize.”

“Then remove it.”  He demanded.

“Uriel, I cannot.”  I admitted, looking away from him.  

I knew that he would not be happy to hear that I had confided in Anna, but it was the only way that I could make him understand how foolish his decision to lie to Dean was.  “Anna said she has seen similar traits in the humans she observes.”  At the mention of her name, Uriel rolled his eyes and turned away slightly, but I continued, “She said that our power may not be enough.  Dean may need something a bit more…human, I suppose. Anna’s suggestion was to get as much information about his time in Hell as possible.   She is right, Uriel. The more I know about Dean’s trials in Hell, the easier it will be to understand what he needs to heal.”

Uriel was not looking at me, but he wore a satisfied expression.  “That seems reasonable, Castiel. It is perhaps the only smart idea our Anna has ever had.” he muttered.  Turning back to me with a much softer expression, he ordered, “Return to the human and delve into his memories.  It will not be easy, but you will find what you need.”  Uriel began to walk past me, but I grabbed his wrist as he passed.

“You want me to take his memories by force?”  I gaped.

Uriel pulled his hand free and laughed, “Yes, that is exactly what I want.  That is exactly what _must_ be done.”

I shook my head, “That will only lessen his trust in me.  I will _speak_ to him, Uriel. In time he will confide in me, I am sure.”  I assured him.

Uriel let out a loud laugh and responded, “Castiel, with the way you socialize, the apocalypse will have come and gone by the time you get any information.”  He took a step toward me and patted my shoulder.  “You will take what you need, and then you will do the job father ordered you to complete.” 

To defy Uriel would be a monstrous mistake, but it seemed as though I had no other choice.  If I destroyed my chances of gaining Dean’s trust, then he would never allow me to heal him. He would slowly disintegrate, allowing the darkness to consume him and create and entirely different entity.  I would not allow it.

I took one step closer to Uriel, my eyes locked on his, and I growled, “I will not.”

Uriel’s eyes widened in disbelief and he took a step away from me.  I, surprisingly, managed to stand my ground while he eyed me, looking as if he was deciding between fleeing and attacking.  Finally, his face hardened and he regarded me with cold eyes.  “If that is how you want it to be, Castiel.  Then so be it,” he announced, turning to walk away from me.

I could not believe what I had witnessed.  Uriel had surrendered to _my_ will? It seemed too easy.  Just as I was about to flee back to the bunker to celebrate my victory and begin working, Uriel stopped in his tracks.

He turned his head over his right shoulder and growled, “Do not say I didn’t warn you, brother.”  And with that, he disappeared.

A cold fear swept over my body, goosebumps rising from my vessels skin.  It felt as if suddenly a weight had been dropped on my chest and it was slowly suffocating me.  _Of course_ it hadn’t been that easy to overpower Uriel.  When one refuses to handle a situation the way that he wants, he takes the matter into his own hands.  And when Uriel wants something, he always finds a way to get it.

Uriel was going to go after Dean himself, and I desperately needed to make a plan.  The only problem was, I was already out of time. With no plan, no weapons, and none of the angels in my garrison to assist me, I flew to Dean’s aid, praying to God for one of those miracles I had spent centuries searching for.

Suddenly, this was the only miracle that really mattered. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Getting back to the bunker—which is usually an instantaneous teleportation—now seemed to take hours.  There was an overload of information filling my thoughts, and I couldn’t process it all at once.  Firstly, I was shocked by Uriel’s betrayal.  Though he had always tried to maintain some sort of authority over me, he had absolutely no right to override my decision and essentially attack _my_ charge.  Equally as alarming was his vicious attitude toward the human race.  Angels are taught to love and protect all of God’s creations, yet for some reason Uriel was now referring to them as _‘_ apes _’_ and undermining their intelligence.  Something was terribly wrong with all of this.  I wanted to find out what had caused Uriel to feel behave this way, but there were more pressing matters at hand.

I arrived in Dean’s room tense and ready to confront Uriel, and I was greeted by the sound of Dean shouting.

“ _Get the hell away from me!”_ He bellowed.  He had backed himself into the corner, and had taken a lamp from his nightstand with him as a weapon.  Uriel was directly in front of him, moving toward him quickly with his hand outstretched.  He was going to render Dean unconscious and scavenge his brain for the information he needed.  Not only would this be an invasion of Dean’s trust, but it would make my job even more difficult.  Memories have a great deal to do with the composition of one’s soul.  If Uriel were to take Dean’s memories of Hell by force, there is no telling what damage it could do to his soul, especially in the condition he was already in.

Before he could touch Dean, I shouted, “Uriel, enough!”

He stilled and turned slowly to face me, every article of his being laced with contempt.  Before Uriel could respond to me however, Dean pushed himself off the wall, swung the lamp in the air, and shattered it over Uriel’s head.  In the time it took the shards of broken ceramic from the lamp’s base to fall to the floor, any damage that may have been done to Uriel’s vessel had already healed.  Uriel exhaled dramatically, brushed off his suit, and turned back around to face Dean.

Dean looked like the wind had been knocked out of him, and he shriveled beneath Uriel’s gaze.  He began slowly backing toward the wall again, his eyes darting over to me in a silent plea.  He wanted and needed my help, that was obvious, but it was also clear that he did not trust me to give it to him.

Uriel chuckled, “You humans are all the same.  You think you are superior, capable of anything!” His shoulders shook as he laughed, small remnants of ceramic still falling from his suit.  “You think you are untouchable, don’t you?” Though I could not see Uriel’s face, I could tell by Dean’s expression that Uriel was no longer laughing.  He reached for Dean again and I sprung into action.

Racing forward, I roughly turned Uriel around by his outstretched arm.  “You _will not_ touch him, Uriel.” I growled, my hand still gripping his forearm firmly.  Uriel’s eyes met mine as he ripped his arm free.

“I would not do this if I were you.” He warned, stepping closer. 

I stood my ground as I retorted, “You are the one in the wrong, Uriel, not I.”  The fury in his eyes intensified and every fibre of my being was screaming at me to give in to his will.  It would have been the easy thing to do, the choice with the least amount of consequences.  However, as I stood before Uriel, I glanced over at Dean. I knew then that backing down was never an option.  

Dean’s back was still against the wall, his knees beginning to wobble unstably.  Whether this was because he was weaker than he had seemed to be earlier or because of the adrenaline that was surely pumping through his veins, I was not sure.  

I looked back at Uriel.  “Dean does not belong to you.  Your suggestion to steal his memories is foolish; it would only make his soul susceptible to more damage.”  This time, I took a step closer.  “ _I_ suggest that you leave now.”

At that, Uriel cocked his head and smirked at me, “And what, does he belong to _you_ , Castiel?”

“Humans are the creation of God, and therefore they belong to-“

“You think that, as Dean’s heavenly host, you have the right to do with him as you please?” He interjected. “Do you see him as a new toy from our father, Castiel?”

I growled, “He is my _charge_ , Uriel.  My function is to make decisions that are in Dean’s best interest.  To ensure that he will live up to father’s-“

“We both know there is more to it than that.” He interrupted again, his voice much deeper. “Your fierce loyalty to the human is very telling.  It may be in _your_ best interest to keep your emotions in check, brother.”  He seemed to be expressing something nonverbally, but I wasn’t sure of what it was.

A tense silence fell over the room, and after a few seconds Dean cleared his throat.

“Hold on just a minute.”  He pushed himself from the wall again and walked toward where Uriel and I stood.  “I don’t know what’s going on between you two, or even what the hell you’re talking about.  What I do know is that I don’t ‘belong’ to anybody, and I’m not letting you anywhere near me, buddy.”  He snapped, pointing a finger at Uriel.

Uriel’s expression twisted into disgust, and in no time he was bounding toward Dean, who was quickly stumbling backward.

“You know _nothing_ about-“ Uriel began, but that was all he had time to say before my instincts took over.  As soon as Uriel turned on Dean again, I lunged forward, grabbing him by his shoulders, and flung him with all of my strength across the room in the opposite direction.  He hit the wall behind me with a deafening _SLAM._ I was surprised that he didn’t break straight through the wall, but he did leave a giant dent from which several long cracks were spreading across the wall’s length.

“ _Get out!”_ I bellowed.  I could feel a fiery rage within me; my hands were shaking and my face felt hot.  I stared at him with both fists clenched, preparing for his retaliation.

To my surprise, he didn’t retaliate.

With great difficulty, Uriel pushed himself out of the dent his body created in the wall and stumbled toward me.  He looked at me briefly, but then averted his eyes to Dean.  For a moment, I thought he would attack again, but instead, he smiled coldly.  He lingered a moment, then there was the sound of flapping wings, and he was gone.

I allowed my posture to relax and let out a long breath that I had apparently been holding in.  As my heart rate began to return to it’s normal pace, I turned to evaluate Dean’s condition.  He was standing completely still, looking wide-eyed at the spot Uriel stood just seconds ago.

“Dean, are you alright?” I panted, trying to figure out what he was thinking.

He seemed to barely hear me.  A few seconds after I spoke, Dean finally looked at me, his expression curious and shocked.  I raised my eyebrows at him questioningly.

He finally cleared his throat to speak.  “You…you’re really an angel? You’re not bullshitting me?” He asked.  His voice was still gravelly and deep, but there was definitely something different in his tone.  It was a touch softer; It sounded like hope.

“Yes, Dean.  I am an angel of the Lord.”  I repeated, hoping he would recall my telling him this the first time we met.

He nodded numbly, “And that guy…he’s an angel too?”

I frowned and sighed, “He is.  That was my brother, Uriel.”  I looked away from Dean and turned to face the wall that was now in serious need of repair.  I was disappointed in myself for losing my temper, especially in the presence of a human, but it was as if some sort of primal instinct took over and I was not in control of my actions.  For some reason, I _needed_ to protect Dean at all costs.

From behind me, I heard Dean whisper, “Thanks, Cas.”  I stiffened and immediately turned to face him.  Shock wouldn’t even begin to describe how I felt about Dean’s gratitude.  I thought he would have been angered by my display of aggression, that he would trust me less because of it, but he was…thankful?

“Dean?”

“Don’t play that modesty game, man.  It takes a lot to stand up to your family like that,”  he said, “Trust me, I would know.”  Dean looked slightly uncomfortable while he was speaking, as if the sentiment behind it embarrassed him, but I was suddenly filled with warmth.

“I did what was necessary to protect you, Dean, that is not something you need to thank me for.”  I answered.  His eyes fell away from mine and I quickly added, “But your gratitude is greatly appreciated.”

He looked back at me, and I could have sworn that the corners of his lips were curling up into a small smile.  Before I could be sure, he turned his head away, rubbing the back of his neck with a pained expression.  Clearly, the moment was over.

As Dean stretched out and evaluated his own physical condition, I turned again to examine the state of the wall.  After a few moments, Dean took a few small steps closer to me and asked, a bit more gruffly now,  “So, uh, if the angels are apparently on my side, you mind telling me why that psycho ‘brother’ of yours was trying to screw with my brain?”

Without looking from the wall, I responded, “I sought help when I was unable to touch your soul earlier.  I thought that maybe the others in my garrison would have some answers.”  I recalled the softness of Anna’s voice when she offered her advice.  I should never have searched for Uriel after hearing what Anna had to say.  Obviously Uriel was going to disagree with her; even mentioning her name to him was grounds for a disaster such as this.  I sighed and shook my head, “This would not have happened had I solved the problem on my own instead of angering Uriel. I am sorry, Dean.“  I locked eyes with  Dean finally, hoping he would sense my sincerity.

Dean held my gaze for a moment too long before looking down and clearing his throat.  “Hey, no harm done. Although,” he looked up and pointed to the wall behind me, “I can’t say the same for the bunker.”

I turned to the wall again and agreed, “The wall does seem to have received the worst of my temper.”  I raised my hand and snapped my fingers, then quickly turned back to address Dean, “In all seriousness, Dean-“

Dean’s eyes widened as he interjected, “Holy shit, Cas!” He walked quickly past me and over to the wall, slapping his hand against the firm surface in disbelief.  “What the hell kind of mojo lets you fix goddamn drywall with just a snap of your fingers?” He gaped, still smacking his hands against the wall as if he was trying figure out how I repaired it.

“This is a Heaven I created for you, Dean.  I control every aspect of it.”  I answered unenthusiastically.  There were more important matters to discuss than the condition of his walls. Getting back on task, I started, “I hope you still feel safe here, Dean.  I promise that I will not allow something like this to happen again.”  Dean did not appear to be listening to me, but I continued speaking for the sake of my own comfort. “I should have trusted Anna’s word and kept her advice to myself instead of going to-“

“Hold on.” Dean interrupted, taking a break from his examination of the drywall to look at me, “Who is Anna?”

“My sister.  She is also in the garrison stationed on earth.”  I explained.  He nodded his understanding and gave his attention back to the wall.  He wasn’t examining it anymore, but he kept his eyes trained on one spot as if he was afraid to look anywhere else.  I seized my opportunity in the silence that ensued and continued, “Dean, Anna has been surveilling humans for a very long time; she knows everything about the human soul.  She believes that my knowing everything about your time in Hell will help me heal you.  If Anna thinks that this will help you, then we at least have to try it.”

As I spoke, Dean’s posture began to shift in response.  Fingers that just moments ago were playfully clutching at the wall were now curled up into tight fists.  His casual stance had stiffened into one the likes of which are seen in disciplined soldiers.  He looked both terrified and ready to attack at the same time, and I was unsure how to react to that.

His head dropped down and he closed his eyes.  He was shaking his head ever so slightly and gnawing at his bottom lip.  He spoke almost inaudibly, “I don’t see how that’s gonna help either of us.”  

Even this response was drastically better than his reaction when I mentioned Hell the first time.  Before, he had shut down completely, rejecting even the possibility of a discussion.  Now, however…well, he hadn’t said ‘no’ just yet.

“Dean,” I countered, lowering my voice as I took a few steps in his direction. “I know you can feel that something is different deep within you.  I have seen your soul; you _must_ be able to sense that there is something very wrong.”  I waited for a response, but he barely moved.  He was so still, in fact, that I momentarily wondered if he was holding his breath. “I cannot get past that…barrier.  Whatever it may be, I cannot touch it.  This is our best option, Dean.  How much longer do you think your soul will be able to hold itself together?” I begged.

At this, Dean softened.  His hands slowly unclenched, and he looked over at me with an expression more vulnerable than any I had received from him since he had been here.  Shakily exhaling, Dean asked, “What’ll happen if it _doesn’t_ hold out, Cas?” If his face didn’t give it away his fear, it was evident in his tone. I suddenly had the urge to reach out and comfort him, to tell him that I would do my best not to let that happen, but I stopped myself.  It was not my place to have that impulse.

“Honestly, I am not entirely sure.” I admitted.  He sighed and looked away from me just as his eyes began to look suspiciously glossy.  I was so close to earning his trust, and  I was not about to give up now.  I pleaded, “Dean, I would not ask this of you if I thought it would do you more harm than good.  I understand that this isn’t ideal, but it is unfortunately the only option that we have.”

A few moments of silence passed and I began to think that Dean was shutting down, once again putting an end to any conversation having to do with Hell. I will have started a feud within my garrison just to discover that Uriel’s way may have been the right way all along.  Just as I was going to give up hope, however, Dean nodded sharply.  I tilted my head and watched curiously as he walked over to his bed and sat down, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees.

He took a deep breath and looked over at me.  “Take a seat.” He ordered, nodding his head in the direction of the chair opposite his bed. “This may take a while.” His voice caught slightly, but I pretended not to notice.  He was nervous enough as it was, I didn’t need to make him feel any weaker than he already seemed to believe he was.

I nodded and quickly moved to sit across from him.  As I sat down and looked up at Dean, a wave of emotion crashed over me that I had not expected.  I was _scared._ This was _Dean’s_ story, an explanation of his past, but my heart was suddenly racing and my palms began to sweat as if his fear was mine.

_Being afraid will not put Dean at ease,_ I reminded myself.

With a calming deep breath, I nodded at him, “Whenever you are ready.”

I wondered briefly whether or not _I_ was ready, but I tucked that selfish thought away.  After a moment of anticipatory silence, Dean sat up and faced me, his expression rigid but calm.  I was impressed by how quickly he seemed to compose himself, but I was grateful for it.

At least one of us was going to be strong enough to handle this.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: There is some moderately graphic description of torture in this chapter (Dean talking about Alastair's torture in hell)

**Chapter 7**

Dean was putting a great amount of effort into maintaining a steady breathing pattern.  His eyes were open, but he clearly could not see me as I waited worriedly for him to begin.  In fact, I was beginning to doubt that he was even in the room with me anymore.  His eyes were empty, as if he was seeing something that wasn’t there.  After several moments of silence, I began to worry that I may lose him somewhere along whatever dark path he was traveling down in his mind.  I was about to try to get his attention when the light returned to Dean eyes and he placed his hands firmly above his knees.  He was seeing me again.

“What do you need to know?” He asked monotonously. His voice was even, but his body language gave him away.He was gripping his legs so tightly, I thought he may crack his own kneecaps.

I wanted so badly to be able to tell Dean that I only had a few questions, that he wouldn’t have to go into detail.Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. I didn’t know what it was that Dean went through in Hell, but I was growing more and more terrified with each moment Dean hesitated to tell me.

I sighed, “I need to know all of it, Dean.Every detail, even the ones that you think aren’t important.”I averted my eyes, not willing to see Dean’s reaction to my request.I half expected Dean to refuse, to swear and scream that he wasn’t going to tell me anything.Much to my surprise, there was only silence.

I looked up just in time to see Dean nod subtly. He looked down at his hands and let out one short huff of laughter, “I’m not exactly sure where to start with something like this.”The look on his face when he looked back at me was like a silent plea.As if he was begging for my help without having to say the words.

I worked as quickly as I could to find the right response. “Well,” I started, “You could begin by telling me how you ended up in Hell in the first place.” 

Dean blinked and widened his eyes at me, “I’m sorry, _what?”_ He rasped.

“Dean, you clearly did not belong there.Your soul was somewhat easy to locate once I infiltrated Hell; it was so different from the others-“

“Hold on.” Dean interrupted, raising a hand to silence me. “You mean to tell me that the big guy sent you, an _angel_ , into Hell to yank me out without any explanation? And you just _went_ without question?”  

I tilted my head at him and confirmed, “Yes, Dean. Why is that distressing?”

Dean scoffed, “You knew _nothing_ about me, and you risked your life—or, existence…or…whatever—to pull me out?”

“It was my father’s command.”I nodded. “Angels live to serve Him, Dean.”While I firmly believed that what I said was true, a thought stirred as I said it.Dean was right, I put everything that I am at risk by venturing blindly to Hell.The only information I was given about Dean was that there were big plans for him.That he had a higher purpose.Should I have questioned my father’s commands?  
 _No. Definitely not._ I quickly decided. _That is not my place._ Still, the thought lingered in the back of my mind.

Dean stared at me in disbelief for a few more seconds before sighing, “Alright. We’ll start at the very beginning, then…” 

I nodded and looked away from him, suddenly embarrassed.I had never even thought of asking Uriel about Dean’s past when I was informed about my task.I was just honored to have been chosen.However, this wasn’t the time for me to reflect on my choices.I gave Dean my full attention.

He exhaled loudly and looked up at me.

“Sam and I had just started hunting together again.I had been miserable and lonely without him for so many years while he was at Stanford and…” his voice trailed off as if he was lost in a dream, but he quickly cleared his throat.“Whatever.It was just nice to have him around again.Anyway,Sam got taken to this…I don’t know, it was like an arena or something.Sam had apparently been chosen as one of the contenders to be the demon Azazel’s right hand man, and to help him work out his master plan.”Dean wasn’t looking at me anymore, he was looking determinedly at the wall behind me, as if the scene was being projected for him to re-watch.

“There were others there; they were all fighting for their lives.By the time Bobby and I got to Sam in that deserted town, it was too late.Someone got to him.He was, ah…he was gone.”The words looked like they caused him physical pain to say.He shrugged helplessly, “I was desperate.I gathered up some things and went to the nearest crossroads.I wasn’t gonna live without my brother.I could not let him die. There was no way in Hell that Sammy was going to die. Not on my watch.”

He pulled himself out of the trance and continued, with false light-heartedness, “Usually crossroad demons give a solid ten years before they come to claim someone’s soul, but I guess I was special.Those black-eyed bastards wanted me downstairs and they weren’t gonna wait ten years to see it happen. So,” he sighed, “They gave me one year.Sammy lives, and I get one year to make sure that Sam will be alright without me.”

“Sam was pissed, to say the least, when he found out.He did everything he could to get me out of the deal—hell, he even teamed up with a demon to find a loophole—but there was no getting out of it.A year later the hellhounds came. I felt them sink their claws into me and uh,” he cleared his throat, “Yeah. That was about it.” 

I held his gaze for a moment before a realization hit me and I had to look away. _Uriel knew about the deal Dean made for his brother._ That was why he wanted me to use Sam against him.I suddenly felt sick to my stomach.I knew that Sam must be important to Dean, but I had no idea just how important he was.I cleared my expression and looked back to Dean with the most realistic smile I was capable of at the time.

“Alright.”I nodded, encouraging him to go on.It was clear that this is where the hard part began, Dean was gripping at his legs again, his jaw clenched and his eyes fixed on a spot behind me. “Dean.” I called, coaxing him out of his own head. His eyes darted back to me and I urged him on.“What happened once you were in Hell?”

Our eye contact lingered for a moment, and then Dean looked down at his lap.He took a deep breath and stuttered, “Okay. Yeah.I mean…there’s so much to tell, but it’s not…it’s very-“

“It’s okay if you don’t remember everything” I interjected.  
A cold, lifeless laughter erupted from Dean.The sound was almost inhuman; it sent shivers down my spine.

“I remember every single second. Clear as day.”He growled.Something had switched inside of him, as if some sort of wall that he had built was now crashing down.He seemed ready to talk.Dean swallowed hard and began.

“The last thing I heard was Sam screaming my name as the room around us faded away. There was a moment, a very _very_ short moment when there was just darkness. Complete silence.I remember thinking to myself, _Hey, this isn’t so bad_.But that moment ended as quickly as it began.Just as I was preparing to be at peace with my death, I began to hear the screams.”  

“They were distant at first, but they got louder as the fire began to surround me.I tried so hard to get to them, Cas.Those other souls on the rack, screaming for some sort of release.But before I knew it, I was strapped in.That calm place disappeared for good; the only things I knew were heat and screaming.”Dean laughed suddenly, “I thought that was the worst version of Hell there was.Listening to the screams of agony, the cries for help, and not being able to do anything about it.Not being able to move.” He shook his head. “I was proved wrong very quickly.”

“It didn’t take long for him to introduce himself.He was very eager to get started, he said.‘Welcome to day one, Dean Winchester’ was the very first thing he said.God,” Dean gasped, as if there suddenly wasn’t enough air in the room. “the way he looked at me.It was like I was his favorite Christmas present and he couldn’t wait to open me up.He told me how excited he was to finally meet me, that he felt like he had been waiting his whole life for this very moment. ‘ _Dean Winchester has finally come out to play.’”_ Dean exhaled shakily and he closed his eyes.

“Alastair was his name.Hell’s chief torturer.He told me that he had been specially assigned to me. In response, I sent a few choice words his way.He didn’t like that very much.”

_~_

_You’re being very ungrateful, Dean,_ Alastair purred. _We’ve decided that you deserve some special attention.You should feel honored._

Dean growled, _Right about now I would be telling someone like you to go to Hell, but in this case it seems a little redundant._

Alastair threw his head back and laughed for a long time, his whole body shaking.It was the most terrifying sound Dean had ever heard.Once his laughter began to subside, Alastair sighed as he wiped tears from under his eyes, _Oh, Dean._ You think you’re in Hell? His face darkened and he moved closer to Dean, now inches away from his face.  
 _You have no idea what Hell is, boy. Not yet._  
Alastair smiled like he was the happiest person who ever lived.

The smile never left his face.

~

Dean’s eyes were still closed.“He was a pretty creative guy, Alastair.”He said, his voice barely more than a whisper. “He had an impressive collection of tools, but he favored some more than others.Knives were his specialty.He said he liked the sounds he could draw out of me with them.Said that to him it sounded like a symphony.” He shuddered.“Luckily for him, he never had to work sparingly.Every single day Alastair did what he wanted until my body gave up fighting, and every single morning I would wake up good as new.A fresh canvas for Alastair to decorate.”  

Dean’s arms were wrapped around his torso now, the fingernails of his left hand digging into his right arm so hard that he drew blood.“He liked to talk to me while he worked.Calmly, softly.He almost always disregarded the things I shouted at him, my begging for him to stop, my screaming for help.He just kept on talking, complimenting himself.He referred to himself as ‘Picasso with a razor blade’.”  

“Sometimes Alastair would get bored with knives, though. He said that he didn’t want me to get too comfortable.He had to keep me on my toes.That’s when his experimenting began.”Dean suddenly became aware of the small pool of blood he had created beneath his fingers and pulled his hands away, placing them back on his thighs.He continued, “Alastair could make me see anything he wanted me to see.Some days we were on the rack, but other days we were in an alley or an asylum…sometimes he didn’t even need his tools. He said he could be a lot more creative without them.He liked to put me back in one of those motels I grew up in so I could watch him helplessly as he chopped up a 7 year old Sam.”That’s when the first tear fell from Dean’s eyes.A single sob escaped from his chest before he angrily wiped the tear away and cleared his throat as if he was expelling any display of emotion that threatened to seep through the cracks in his psyche.

He waited for a few moments to get his breathing under control before he shook his head and said.“It wasn’t all for his enjoyment, though.He had a goal.At the end of every day he would tell me it was time to make a choice.”

~

Dean could barely see.He wasn’t sure if it was the blood loss causing him to lose his vision, or if the blood in his eyes was obstructing his view.He was aware of very little.He knew that he was soaking wet, with blood or sweat he wasn’t sure.Probably both. He knew that the room around him seemed to be spinning and that every sound was muted, as if he was floating away.He was also vaguely aware that his legs were not attached to his body.There may have also been some knives still stuck shallowly in his sides, but really, what different did that make at this point?

_Alright, Dean. My boy._ Alastair smiled, bringing up a blood soaked knife to rest flatly against Dean’s cheek, his other hand holding Dean’s head so that there was nowhere else for him to look but into the pitch darkness of Alastair’s eyes. _It’s that time again._

At this point each day, Dean was always done kicking and screaming.He had never been able to beat Alastair before, and that wasn’t about to change anytime soon.Especially not with barely any blood left in his body.

_I do love and value my alone time with you, pet, but we could have a lot of fun together in other ways too._ He would always lower his voice then, as if he was about to share a secret. _Join me, Dean. You’ve been on the rack long enough, don’t you think?Don’t you wonder how it would feel to dish out some of the pain yourself? I can see in your eyes that you do.Are you gonna let me play again tomorrow, or are you ready to become my most beloved student?_  
Answering wasn’t an option.Dean wasn’t even sure if his tongue was still in his mouth.With all of the energy left in his mangled body, he pulled his head back and spit in Alastair’s face. He didn’t even flinch; he was used to this by now.  
He simply smiled even wider, _I can’t say I’m all that upset._ _You bleed so prettily for me, Dean._ Dean’s eyes drooped shut.  
 _See you in the morning, pet._

After that, there was a searing pain at the side of his head, and then nothing.  
Until he opened his eyes again, that is.

~

Dean shuddered at the memories.“For thirty years, I spit in his face at ther end of every day.I refused to give in.To become the monster he wanted me to be.”He took a shaky breath and continued reluctantly, “But then I couldn’t do it anymore, Cas.”The tears were back, only this time Dean didn’t fight them.It seemed like he _couldn’t_ fight them.As if he didn’t have the will anymore.“I got off the rack.And as soon as I did it, as soon as I frantically nodded my surrender, something changed.It wasn’t pain, it was just…like someone flipped a switch in me.”Dean explained.

“For ten years after, I worked alongside Alastair and I tortured souls just as he did to me.I was vicious. I don’t know _what_ I was, but it couldn’t have been human.”  

His hands trembled as he ran them through his hair, stopping at the nape of his neck to pull at the short hairs there, looking down to hide the tears that streaked his cheeks.“And the worst part,” he continued, his voice a strangled sob, “is that I liked it.After the first one I tortured, I was unstoppable.I tortured one after another after another and I was happy to be doing it. I became exactly what Alastair was training me to be.”  

Dean’s tears fell silently as his shoulders shook.I was at a loss for words.Of all the things I had expected, this wasn’t even close to being one of them. With each word Dean spoke, I found myself repressing the desire to reach out, to _touch_ him. Now, as he sat across from me, so broken and weak, stopping myself from doing so was becoming almost impossible.

Suddenly, as Dean cried, he reached his right hand across his chest and placed it on his left shoulder, over Cas’ handprint.“Then you were there.”He said, closing his eyes again and trying to pull himself together.

That was all I needed.I followed my instincts without thought and found myself standing directly in front of Dean.I draped my hand over his as it rested against the handprint. He didn’t open his eyes, but he flinched slightly at the touch.  

I didn’t trust my vessel’s voice,so I whispered, “And then I was there.”  
Dean opened his eyes and looked up at me, his eyes reddened and his cheeks wet.  
“And now,” I pressed my hand more firmly against his, “you are _here.”_ I emphasized, hoping to pull him out of that world and back to the bunker.Back to the place where he was safe, where he could trust me to put him back together again.

Dean stared at me and nodded numbly.His tears had stopped and his breathing was becoming less erratic.We stayed like that for what felt like a very long time, until Dean pulled his hand out from under mine and looked away.I took that as a sign to give him space, and I stepped backward, looking awkwardly around the room.Anywhere but at him.

“Yeah. And uh…yeah.So that’s all of it. That’s it.”He stuttered gruffly.His voice sounded completely wrecked. He wiped the wetness from his face and took a deep breath, still not looking up at me. “I hope you don’t have any questions ‘cause I gotta be honest, man, I don’t think I can-“

“No, I understand.”I interrupted, wanting so desperately to put Dean’s mind at ease in any way I could.“I’ve got everything I need.”Dean glanced up at me briefly and then nodded his relief.I quickly added, as sincerely as I could, “Thank you, Dean.”He didn’t answer, but I knew he heard, and that’s all that mattered.

“So,” Dean sighed, “What happens now?You take this to the big guy upstairs and let him think up some genius plan?”  
I paused. What _did_ happen from here?I clearly couldn’t turn to Uriel for help anymore.I would go to Anna but I couldn’t bring myself to put her in that kind of danger; if Uriel found out it would surely be a disaster.I had a couple of options to consider, but none of them made me feel any more secure.

“Not exactly.There a few angels I know of that can help, but I’m hesitant to trust most of them now.Uriel’s influence among the lower-level angels is strong; I’m sure he has some of them turned against me already.”I sighed.I noticed Dean’s small expulsion of air, as if he was going to lose his composure at any moment, and I quickly added, “I _will_ figure this out Dean.No matter how long it takes, I will return you to earth as you left it.”

Dean laughed half-heartedly, “Sounds great, Cas.”His voice was soft, and when I looked him over I realized that his body was mostly relaxed for the first time since I saw him sleeping, aside from the hand fidgeting with the scab that had formed on his upper right arm.The change in him was incredibly encouraging; I felt an inexplicable warmth in my chest.  
I wrote the feeling off as pride in myself and put it out of my mind.

Dean looked up at me suddenly and added, “Do what you gotta do, but if you think Lilith is ready to strike on Sam, you have to send me back. Immediately. Alright?”

My heart felt like it weighed significantly more than it should. _  
_“I will see what I can do, Dean.”I mumbled.Dean looked skeptical, but he nodded and looked away.I needed to change the subject.“Is there anything you need from me now?” I asked.

“I think I’m just gonna get some shut eye.Girlish crying can take a hell of a lot out of a guy.” He joked sadly.I looked away and nodded, not sure how I should react.  
“Hey, Cas?” He started. My head snapped up and I looked at him questioningly. “Thanks.You know, for everything.It’s…it means, um…just…thanks, man.”He smiled awkwardly, but something told me it was sincere.

“You are welcome, Dean.” I smiled.  
I left quickly and without warning.The rush of emotions I felt…it was so _human._ I was sad for Dean, for what he went through.I was angry at the demon who inflicted his pain.I was furious with myself for ever listening to Uriel and lying about Sam.But most of all, I was terrified of that warm _something_ in my chest that made me feel like I would do or give anything to see a genuine smile on Dean Winchester’s face.  
The weight that the warmth seemed to be attached to, however, made it very clear that the feeling wasn’t going to disappear anytime soon.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

It took me more time than it should have to realize that I had no idea where I was trying to travel when I left the bunker.I had no plan, nobody to guide me, and absolutely no idea how to handle the situation from this point. Floating somewhere between Heaven and earth, I gave in and allowed myself to sift through conversations in the angel network.  

I caught only a few Enochian words here and there.Most meant nothing to me, but the small group of angels mentioning a dispute between two angels of the same garrison did not go unnoticed.I was sure that I would have to address the situation between Uriel and I at some point, but now it was not important.

I tried to hone in on conversations within garrisons with more relevant purposes—for instance, those directly in charge of the assigning of human souls—but it was a hopeless cause.How was I to trust anonymous voices when I couldn’t even trust the angels most near to me?Snooping was out of the question.

The angels who communicated through the angel network were all of a common, low-level class in Heaven.Even if they did have the information I required, why should I trust them with Dean’s soul?

I tried to remind myself that I felt that way because he was important to my father. Nothing more.

There was one other option, but I was hesitant to take action.An angel of higher regard would have far more information than I could receive anywhere else, but with seeking one out came risks.There were only four archangels, and I had only ever personally known one.The problem was, he fled thousands and thousands of years ago, declaring that he wanted nothing to do with Heaven.I didn’t even know what his vessel would look like if he had acquired one, let alone _where_ to find him, but he was the only option I had.

I did the best I could to channel his energy and any memory I had of him, and flew where my grace led me.  

————————————————————————————————————

The establishment before me was old and battered, matching it’s sign that read, _Stella’s Diner_.I had no idea if I was anywhere near where Gabriel was hiding, but seeing as I had no other leads, I entered the building.I barely got a chance to look around before a woman wearing an apron and a name tag that read ‘Hi, my name is APRIL’ bounced her way over to where I stood.

She was smiling so widely that it looked almost painful.“Well hey there, darlin’! You waitin’ for a date or are you ridin’ solo tonight?” She asked.I stared at her wide eyed for so long that her smile began to fade and her eyes shifted uncomfortably from side to side.I desperately searched for a response that wouldn’t draw suspicion…but I was so distracted by her name tag.I was aware that April was a common name, but I had never met any human with a name spelled in all capital letters.

“I do not require food to survive as you and your people do.”I told APRIL as I leaned to her left in order to scope out more of the diner.She looked at me questioningly for a moment before throwing her head back and dissolving into a fit of high pitched giggles.

“Oh, you are a hoot!” She laughed, “I’m sure you could use a nice meal right about now!You look like you just came back from an important business meetin’.”APRIL looked up and down at my outfit.I looked down at myself and back up at her slowly, unsure of how to respond.She sighed happily and smiled at me again. “So a table for one then?” She asked.

I nodded stiffly at her, earning yet another fit of giggles. She led me to a table, muttering something about how surprised she was that I didn’t have some ‘pretty little lady’ to accompany me, but I wasn’t really listening anymore.When we reached the table, she handed me a piece of paper and smiled before disappearing around the corner.

 As soon as she was out of sight, I stood and began my search. There weren’t a lot of occupants to begin with, and none of them showed signs of having angelic origins, but I was determined to find something. When I heard a high pitched scream from across the restaurant, I felt a flood of relief; something _was_ going on here.I ran as quickly as I could in the direction of the screams.I came upon a family of four, the youngest of which was a small girl with her hands over her eyes, screaming and crying.

I rushed over to ask what had happened, but I didn’t get a chance to even open my mouth before I saw exactly what the cause of the commotion was.The burger sitting on the little girl’s plate had one small bite missing, and hundreds of small, white worms were crawling out from within the meat.As the parents rushed to console their screaming child and shouted for the diner’s manager, I heard an unmistakable cackling from the kitchen.  
 _Of course._

I had forgotten about the rumors regarding Gabriel’s life on earth.He had always had a unique sense of humor, but since leaving Heaven it had apparently turned into mischief. I ran through the doors that led to the kitchen and saw a man in full chef attire standing with his back to me in front of a grill, whistling happily over the muffled sound of screaming.

“What are you doing, Gabriel?” I asked accusingly.I hadn’t seen him in decades, centuries even, but I had never known him to pull pranks that were unnecessarily cruel.At the sound of my voice, Gabriel stopped whistling and his back stiffened.He turned around slowly, and stared at me in shock. It lasted for barely a few seconds before he recovered, an effortless smile on his face.

“Ah, I think you’ve got the wrong guy, buddy!”He announced cheerily, tipping his chef at at me and returning to the grill.

I pressed on impatiently, “Gabriel, why would you do that to an innocent child?”

“I don’t want to have to say this again,” he growled, still facing the grill.“You’ve got the wrong guy.Scram.”

“I didn’t come here to talk about whatever you’re doing on earth, Gabriel, but what you did-“

“ _Stop calling me that!”_ He bellowed, throwing his spatula down on the counter violently.Turning to face me again, his expression vicious, he spat, “Let me guess.Someone upstairs told you to come check on me so you could report back to daddy?” Gabriel laughed sarcastically and rolled his eyes, “Well, you can tell him that I am doing just _fine._ In fact, I’m happier than I ever was in that prison in the sky.Successful, too!” He ran a hand through his hair and clenched his jaw.

“I was not sent here by anyone, Gabriel.” I calmly responded.  
He shushed me loudly, raising a finger to his lips. “Would you keep it down? You’re cramping my style with all this ‘Gabriel’ crap.”He snapped. “I haven’t been Gabriel in thousands of years.Trickster is my name now.”He stood up straighter and smiled as he announced it, but I squinted my eyes at him and shook my head.

“No.”

He drew his chin back in shock. “No?”

“You are my brother.I am not going to call you anything but your God-given name.”

Gabriel rolled his eyes and stepped away from the counter.  

“You’re a real kill-joy, you know that?”He grumbled. “Fine, call me what you want.But not here, you’re gonna destroy my rep.”Gabriel raised his hand and snapped his fingers. In an instant, we were on a seemingly deserted city sidewalk.Gabriel had changed out of his ridiculous disguise, and he seemed visibly more relaxed as soon as we were alone. “ _Now_ , we can talk.” He sighed.

After adjusting to the change in scenery—which, for all I knew, was just an illusion of his creation—I addressed him.“First, what are you doing tormenting innocent people?Do you know what would happen if God heard about this?”

Gabriel scoffed, “You think daddio is gonna come running to punish me? Please.”He rolled his eyes and pulled a candy bar out of his pocket, unwrapping it as he spoke. “Nobody’s seen the guy in centuries. _You_ haven’t seen him _ever._ What makes you think he gives a crap about what I do on earth?”He took a bite and began walking down the sidewalk in the opposite direction.I rushed to keep up with him.He continued, “Besides, that little rugrat was being a douche.”

My head whipped over at him in shock, “She was no more than five years old, Gabriel.”  
“Yeah, well five year olds can be douche bags too.”He finished the candy bar and dropped the wrapper at his feet, stopping and turning to me.“Listen, I know you didn’t come here to give me a slap on the wrist for messing with a kid, so why don’t we just cut to the chase?”

I nodded and looked down nervously.“I came because I need assistance with…an order I received.From father.” I muttered.

Gabriel stared at me as if I was speaking another language. “You came to me to do your dirty work for you?If you knew anything about me, you’d know that I don’t do anything for Heaven anymore.”He brushed his hands down his coat and cleared his throat.“Now if you’d excuse me, I’ve got some douche bags to prank.”He announced.He raised his had to snap his fingers, but I grabbed his arm just in time.

“Please.You are all I have left.”I begged.“This is more than just a ‘duty’.Dean Winchester needs to be healed in order to stop the apocalypse and I know you can tell me how to heal him.”

This got Gabriel’s attention.“Now hang on just a second.” He began, tilting his head and squinting at me. “Castiel?” He asked.I nodded stiffly and a wide grin spread across Gabriel’s face. “Well look at the meat suit on you, little bro!”He laughed, breaking free from my grasp and patting me patronizingly on the cheek.“Oh, and congrats on the Heavenly orders. You kids grow up so fast!” He sighed.

I huffed impatiently, “Gabriel, this is serious.Dean needs-“

“Oh, the Winchesters!” He interrupted.“I’ve made some special memories with those codependent bastards. I’ve killed Dean more times than I can count…”Gabriel’s voice trailed off and he caught a glimpse of my horrified expression. He raised his hands defensively, “Hey, I brought him back, didn’t I?Sheesh, don’t be so sensitive!”He shuffled a few steps away from me and leaned against a lamp post at the intersection of the sidewalk. “So, what kind of trouble is pretty boy causing now?” He inquired.

I was tempted to roll my eyes at the nickname, but I decided it may be in my best interest to keep Gabriel happy.I relented, “Dean’s actions in Hell have made the soul healing process almost impossible.There’s a clearly evil presence pushing me out.”

Gabriel rolled his eyes, “Dean’s soul has probably always been that way.He’s somewhat of a player, if you didn’t know.”

I was unsure of what he meant by ‘player’, but I was more so shocked by his assumption that Dean’s soul had always been battered.“You know nothing of Dean’s soul if that is what you think of him.” I snapped, immediately wishing I hadn’t.

Gabriel froze for a moment, and then smiled playfully.“You seem a little protective of the guy, Cassy!Better be careful, you know how touchy those angels can be about interspecies relationships.Can you imagine if Dad hears?”He teased, laughing at his own humor.

Suddenly, my vessel’s face became very hot; I could tell by the look on Gabriel’s face that I must be blushing.“I don’t know what you’re referring to.” I insisted.

“Sure you do!” He answered. “But hey, don’t feel guilty! This is a good thing! This is how you’re gonna patch pretty boy up!”My gaze shifted to the floor as I tried to understand how the strange and inexplicable emotions I (may or may not) have toward Dean could save his soul.“I mean, your grace might take a serious blow, but if it’s gonna stop the apocalypse, I’m sure God’ll make an exception. Dean’s soul could use some lovin’, Castiel.”

I grimaced, “That’s not something I am interested in supplying, Gabriel.”

“No?”He asked, “Well, if that’s so then you’d better get ready for the wrath of every soul that dies in the apocalypse when they find out you failed to save the guy who could have stopped it.”Gabriel shrugged.

My heart was pounding. “What is it that you’re suggesting my…alleged caring for Dean will do?How is that relevant to the evil in his soul?”I asked.

Gabriel groaned and took a step closer.“Come on, Castiel! Work with me here!”He shouted, exasperated.“Don’t tell me you’ve never heard the saying ‘love heals all wounds’.” 

“But I don’t love-“

“Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic, but I can see the beginning of something in your eyes, little bro.This might just be your one good shot at saving Dean.”He grinned.After a moment of silence, Gabriel loudly clasped his hands together and sang, “Anywho, I better get going!Douche bags to prank, ladies to meet. Nice catching up with you, Castiel!”

I called after him to stop, but he had already vanished.

To say I was frustrated would be a massive understatement.Not only had that been a complete waste of time, but it was incredibly confusing.My strange feelings toward Dean (not that there were any) would be considered an abomination by the others, especially God.Gabriel had no idea what he was talking about.

Even so, there was still an indescribable aching in my stomach as I returned to the bunker.

————————————————————————————————————

I made a mental note to never leave Dean alone in an unlocked room again.

“Dean!” I whined loudly.I thought he trusted me enough to respect my judgement and _rest_.Apparently, there was still a lot to be learned about Dean Winchester.  

I had left Dean at night, but it was morning now.Time passed differently in each version of Heaven.It is eternal nighttime for some, quickly paced days for others, and so on.I wasn’t sure how long it had been since I left Dean.

I ran out into the hall (remembering our previous misunderstanding) and threw open every door along the way.Nothing.I groaned to myself and ran until I reached a spiral staircase.As soon as my hand touched the railing, I heard the banging of what was presumably doors being opened and closed from below.

“Dean?”I called, running down the stairs.I found him in the kitchen, lifting himself up to sit on the counter.All of the cupboards were wide open and food was strewn about the kitchen as if it had been savaged by wild animals.

Dean’s grin made my heart skip a beat.“There you are!”He exclaimed as he shoved a handful of chips into his mouth.“I can’t remember the last time I ate something.”Dean practically moaned with a full mouth, “I mean, not that I’m hungry—I’m assuming that must be some sort of angel/demon mojo because it’s been _decades_ —but these chips?”He presented the bag to me and continued, “These are the most Heavenly things I’ve experienced since I’ve been here.”  

My mouth had fallen open slightly in shock as he spoke.I didn’t know what happened to Dean while I was gone, but clearly something had changed.Not only was he in a particularly good mood, he was _comfortable_.His facial expressions were soft, his motions relaxed.Not to mention that his energy level had also significantly increased.I wanted to tell him that these were all good signs. He was physically healing at an alarming rate.However, I understood that Dean wouldn’t listen in his euphoric state.

Instead, I asked, “Dean, how long was I gone?”

Dean shrugged as his hand plunged back into the bag of chips, “Beats me.”He answered, pausing before shoveling down another handful of chips to say, “The only thing I know is that I _slept_.For the first time in decades, I really slept.I have no idea how long I was out, but damn do I feel good.”

I smiled softly at Dean and caught myself in the act.I quickly replaced my smile with the best grimace I was capable of and cleared my throat.As menacingly as I could, I growled, “Dean, you will go back up to your chamber and…um…you will…keep sleeping.Because…um…because you did not follow my instructions and I am…very angry with you.”I was almost proud of myself until I saw the confused smile on Dean’s face.

“Wait, you're serious?” He laughed, sliding himself off the counter.

“I am very serious, Dean.”I confirmed monotonously, refusing to look at him.

Dean raised an eyebrow and muttered, “Oookay…”He rolled his eyes and slid past me toward the stairs, chuckling quietly.I followed behind him at a safe distance. “So, uh..” Dean started, trying to break the tension, “Did you figure anything out? You know, about the soul stuff?” 

I contemplated telling him the truth—why was I so willing to trust him with private matters?—but I remembered Gabriel’s warning.Channeling my inner Uriel, I snapped, “That is not information you have the right to know.”

Dean stopped in the middle of the staircase and whipped around to face me. “What the hell, Cas?What is going on with you?” He demanded.

“What do you mean-“

“Less than sixty seconds ago you were hunky dory and all smiles.Now all of a sudden you’re giving me the cold shoulder? What’s going on?”He shouted, his eyes expression accusatory.

Instead of addressing the problem—which seemed impossible—I tilted my head and asked, “Hunky dory?”

Dean’s expression immediately softened and he laughed breathlessly.  
“There’s the Cas I know.” He sighed.We stayed there for a moment, but it didn’t take long for Dean to shift away awkwardly.He went the rest of the way upstairs and back to the room, throwing himself ungracefully onto the bed.

“Now that your mood swing is over, you mind telling me your plan?”He asked.  

I knew what I wanted to do, but I worried that Dean would think it wasted to much time.Especially since he believed that his brother was in peril.

“Well,” I began, “That’s actually what I wanted to ask you about, Dean.I want to try something a little…experimental.”Dean quirked an eyebrow and I quickly added, “I’ve been assured by my brothers and sisters that this may be our only option.”Dean relaxed slightly.“The only thing is, it involves a lot of waiting.” I sighed, noticing that I was subconsciously fidgeting with the buttons on my trench coat.

Dean shrugged, “Okay, well what _else_ does it involve?”

I furrowed my eyebrows as I thought about the safest way to present my case.“We will establish a routine.” I started, hoping that I sounded confident.“I will slowly introduce you back into a life of normalcy.You’ve been through animalistic torture and witnessed evil that not many people ever get away from.He thought-“I quickly corrected myself, “ _I_ thought that taking steps to replace the trauma with positivity could at least weaken the darkness within your soul.Once it is broken down enough, I will enter and heal you completely.”I finished, proud of myself for finding an alternative to Gabriel’s ridiculous request.

Dean nodded unconvincingly. “Uh, alright.How long would we have to do that for?” He questioned.

“There’s no way of knowing for certain.” I admitted.Before he could ask, I added, “Our deal is still active, Dean.If Sam is in immediate danger, I will bring you to him.”I cringed slightly at the lie.

Dean nodded more definitely, then looked away chuckling.  
“I don’t know what kind of ‘normalcy’ you can possibly create here.”He laughed, “I mean my life was pretty screwed before all of this, but sitting in a make-believe bunker with the angel who yanked me out of Hell is a whole new level of weird.”

I laughed softly at that, and Dean looked genuinely shocked by my reaction. I looked away abashedly, “I’m sure we are capable of finding our own definition of ‘normal’.”I promised.

Dean looked at me with a bewildered smile, and I noticed a new air of serenity about him.I must have been staring too intently, because after a moment Dean rolled his eyes and looked away.“Well, while you figure that one out, I’m gonna take a well deserved nap.”

I shook my head and responded with a smile, “Of course, Dean.”  
I may have imagined it, but I could have sworn that Dean looked sad when I turned to go.However, before I had the chance to let myself take another look, I rushed out the door and closed it behind me, leaning my back against it.

_A routine, Castiel?_ I asked myself, _Just where do you think that will bring your relationship with Dean?_  
I batted away the nagging worries and took a reassuring breath.This was a good thing! I finally had a plan.I was in the process of completing the task my father assigned me, nothing more than that.

_Damn it, Gabriel._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to Bridget and Ariana for helping me get through some major writing blocks in this chapter!! Hope y'all enjoy!


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Never in my existence did I imagine myself panicking over a task that I had assumed would be elementary.

I stared at the contents of the refrigerator as if the items within would soon jump out and attack.I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.Dean had been sleeping for twenty-one hours straight, so I didn’t exactly have time to tell him that I was planning to begin our ‘routine’ today.Worse than that, I didn’t have time to ask him the myriad of questions I had about general human wants and needs.

The facts that I _did_ know were the bare basics.I knew that humans typically eat three meals a day, that it is very important for them to stay hydrated, and that they need to sleep from 7-8 hours a day to function at their best (a rule that Dean exceeded expectations in, apparently).All the details surrounding those facts, however, were uncertain.Not to mention that Dean’s routine would not be that of an ordinary human, since it would now include my evaluation of his soul at the end of each day.

I huffed a breath impatiently and decided to take everything out of the refrigerator to examine them separately.I lined everything up on the counter and narrowed my eyes at them, hoping that there was something glaringly obvious that I was being ignorant to.Still, nothing.I turned to look on the counter behind me for any other options and found only a loaf of bread.  
 _That could work_ , I decided, and ripped open the plastic packaging.I placed the sliced loaf on a plate from the cupboard and smiled contently. Then, the search for a beverage began.There was orange juice and milk from the refrigerator lined side by side on the countertop, but I wasn’t sure if either of those things would be to Dean’s liking.Instead, I filled a glass with tap water and silently congratulated myself on completing one of the countless impossible tasks that I was sure would be required today.

I climbed the stairs with the plate and glass in hand, and slowly opened the door to Dean’s room.He was sleeping in exactly the same position I left him in hours ago; his expression was peaceful.I almost decided not to wake him, to let him have a few hours more with a silent mind, but I knew that letting him sleep for twenty-four hours would just be another wasted day of healing.It was unsettling how often my intended task seemed to slip my mind.

I cleared my throat as loudly as possible.Dean’s head twitched, but his eyes did not open.I shuffled my feet awkwardly and whispered, “Um…Dean?”Then slightly louder, “Dean, please wake up now.”Still nothing.I placed the glass on the nightstand next to his bed and carefully leaned in to tap him on the shoulder.

As soon as my hand made contact, Dean jolted upright, knocking the plate from my hand, and grabbed my wrist before I could pull away.I yelped in shock and quickly yelled, “ _Dean!_ It’s Castiel! Look at me!”His eyes were cloudy, as if he was seeing something— _or somebody_ — that wasn’t there.After a terrifyingly long moment during which it seemed that Dean’s animalistic instincts would lead to my demise, his grip loosened and his body relaxed.His eyes darted quickly away from mine as he slowly leaned back against the headboard.

“Shit,” Dean panted, “I thought…never mind.”He rubbed his eyes and muttered, “Sorry, Cas.”

I stood in stunned silence.My entire being ached for Dean; had he been having a nightmare? Or was this a hunter’s normal instinctual response to unannounced contact?It would make sense either way; even though Dean put on a show, it was clear that the trauma he endured would take more than a few days to get over.It may even be somewhat permanent.

“My apologies, Dean.” I said, my voice weaker than I had intended.“I did not mean to startle you.”  
Dean sighed, “No, it wasn’t…it wasn’t _you.”_ I stared at him sadly, wanting to do something to help, but feeling powerless.I instead nodded curtly and looked away from him.He cleared his throat uncomfortably and asked, “So, uh, what’s with the loaf of bread on the floor?”He raised an eyebrow at the mess.

“Oh.”I sighed, having almost forgotten the point of my coming in here in the first place.“You went to sleep before I could discuss it with you. I thought we should begin forming a daily ‘routine’ as soon as possible. So,”I announced, leaning down and gathering the pieces of bread back onto the plate, “I believe it is often said that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.”  
Dean stared at me incredulously, then down at the bread, and quickly back at me.I quirked my head questioningly.Dean fought to hold back a smile, “This…loaf of bread is breakfast?”

I nodded my confirmation.“There is also water on your nightstand if you should get thirsty.”I offered.Dean didn’t even bother looking at where I had indicated the water to be, his eyes were locked on mine.Slowly, he lost his composure and a wide, honest smile spread across his face.I suddenly felt very please; that was a smile that _I_ had caused.It didn’t matter then that I had no idea what was so funny.

Dean was chucking under his breath as he threw the covers offof himself and swung his legs over the side of the bed.“Come on, I’ll make whip something up.”He grinned.My retort was at the ready, but Dean quickly shushed me and said, “If this is going to be a daily thing, then I get a say on what I eat.People don’t live on bread and water, Cas.”I wanted an explanation, but Dean had already bounded out of the room and headed for the staircase.

Dean laughed loudly when he saw all of the items spread out across the countertop and quickly got to work making pancakes that he deemed would be, “friggin’ awesome”.While he worked, he talked happily about how these were his and Sammy’s favorite growing up.  

“When dad would drop us off at a motel,” Dean had said, “I would be in charge of making sure that Sammy stayed safe and that he had everything he needed.And the kid grew like a weed, so he was always hungry.We didn’t ever have much to work with, but pancakes always made Sam happy.I got pretty good at it after a while.”  

I looked at Dean from across the stove and asked, “What about you?What made you happy?”

Dean stopped what he was doing and looked up at me for a moment, then quickly resumed flipping the perfectly circular pancakes, “Me?”He laughed, “I was happy as long as Sam was.”

After that he changed the topic, talking mindlessly about things that meant nothing to me.I was surprised at how much he was talking, and how willing he was to share information with me, but I was relieved.Ever since talking about Hell, Dean seemed significantly more at peace.There was still so much pain there, so much to work through, but it was a start.

Dean ate his breakfast in silence, savoring every bite of his culinary masterpiece.I watched him intently, unable to help the ridiculous grin on my face—which, judging by the side glances I was receiving, Dean clearly noticed.When he finally finished, he leaned back in his chair and sighed contently. 

With his eyes closed, he casually asked, “So, what’s next on our to-do list?”I drummed my fingers against my thighs.

“Well,” I began, “I can give you some time to yourself to take a shower or change your clothes, and then we can begin our daily discussion.”Dean cracked an eye open and looked at me suspiciously at that.I reminded him, “In order to get through to you, Dean, I need you to open up-“

“About anything and everything, yeah.I got it.”He interrupted.He stood slowly andmade his way to the stairs, calling over his shoulder, “This better not be a ‘routine’ forever, Cas.”  
I chuckled softly.Dean may be stubborn and difficult, but there was so much behind his façade I longed to release.

The rest of the day went at a leisurely pace.We talked, Dean napped, Dean attempted to teach me how to make a proper meal (unsuccessfully), and then we returned to his chamber for the final part of our day.

“I know that you slept for almost an entire day, Dean, but it’s very important that you go to sleep now.”I raised my hand to touch his forehead but he quickly swatted it away.

“Woah!” He shouted, “I don’t feel weak, I’m not even tired, man.Why are you trying to knock me out?”

“Because,”I began, “I’m sure you remember how painful it was when I searched your soul the first time.If I put you to sleep now you won’t feel a thing.”

Dean’s face fell. “Oh.You’re trying that again?”He asked.He looked nervous but also hopeless, as if he didn’t trust that any good would come from this.“I thought you said it was useless.”

I shrugged, “I’ve been told that the more you open up, the more trust you have in me, the easier it will be for me to break through the barrier.”Dean had looked away, but he nodded his understanding.I continued, “I figured that it might be a good way to end every day.By checking our progress.”

Dean nodded uncertainly, “Yeah, sure.” He laid himself down on the bed and squeezed his eyes shut as if he was expecting pain.I wished I could say more, but knowing what I did about Dean’s stubbornness, I figured it was a lost cause.Two fingers touched his forehead softly and all evidence of fear softened and became an empty canvas.

Anxious to find out what progress (if any) had been made, I sat down on the edge of the bed and gently placed my hand on Dean’s chest.I knew that because I was in control of his slumber he wouldn’t wake, but I still felt the need to treat him gingerly.I closed my eyes, recalling the process from before and trying to repeat it exactly.  

The sensation was the same, and I was once again vaguely aware that my vessel was only barely containing my power.There was one difference though: I wasn’t immediately forced back out.Though my eyes were closed, it seemed like I could see his soul before me, dim but present.When I tried to proceed, however, it became hazy.I did what I could to move slowly and ease my way in, but it was useless.I made a few more unsuccessful attempts and decided that I had put Dean through enough for one day.

I thought about waking Dean to tell him that I had at least taken a small step in the right direction, but I couldn’t bring myself to remove the serene expression from his face.I could sense that he was still tired, no matter how strong he acted, and he deserved to forget his demons for a while.  
 _He deserves a whole lot more than that_ , I thought, and for the first time, I wasn’t able to convince myself that I was doing all of this for God.

————————————————————————————————————

We continued on like this for several weeks.It may have even been months, but neither of us would have noticed.The routine we had slipped into felt _right._ It was almost as if I had finally found my place.I finally fit somewhere.  

Dean was happier too, I could tell.The biggest change was in the way he held himself.Before, he would stand rigidly, his shoulders high and his hands partly clenched as if he would be ready to fight at any moment.A few weeks into our ‘normal’ routine, he began moving more fluidly.He didn’t flinch when I dropped a pan, or tense when I passed him a plate and our fingers touched.He smiled more often, and it looked easy.

Every morning I would attempt to recreate Dean’s breakfast from the previous day, and every time Dean would laugh and lead me down stairs to make something edible.After a week or so, when I would enter Dean’s room in the morning he would already be awake, sitting up against the headboard with a smile on his face.

Each afternoon we found something to pass the time.Of course, talking was the most important thing on our list.Dean would tell me about his family and about hunts with his brother.Sometimes he would even willingly talk about Hell.I mostly just listened, unsuccessfully trying to fight the feral smile on my face.Some days we would explore the bunker, and some days we would simply sit in his room.It never felt tense anymore.If there was silence between us, it was always comfortable.

Night after night I would put Dean to sleep before the analytical part of our routine began.Some nights he would fight it, trying to keep a conversation going or avoid the stress of another failed attempt, but he understood it’s importance.With every passing night, the barrier grew weaker, and I could see more of Dean than ever before.It gave me hope, but Dean was growing increasingly impatient.

“Anything?”He would ask every morning.I would tell him that I was getting farther, that soon I would break through and he could get back to his brother.His face would fall as he nodded, changing the subject.“Alright, let’s go make something that’s not gonna kill me.”He would laugh, a smile back on his face.  
It didn’t go unnoticed that when I mentioned returning to earth, Dean’s smile had to be forced.

One afternoon, as we neared the end of the routine, Dean was lounging on the bed with his hands clasped behind his head as I sat comfortably in the chair across from him.He always seemed to sense when I was going to suggest that he should go to sleep, because that was always when the stalling began.

“So, how’re things going with the family nowadays, Cas?”He asked, nudging himself up to a sitting position.  

I chuckled softly as I caught on to his plan.“Things in Heaven are quiet, Dean.”I confirmed, pushing myself out of my chair to put his avoidance to an end.  

As soon as I stood, Dean added, “I mean, no problems with that douche brother of yours? What’s his name? Uriel?”

“Yes, Uriel. And no, Dean.” I sighed impatiently, “I haven’t heard from him.”  
Dean pretended to absorb this information for a moment before asking, “Well what about the others?You know, the countless brothers and sisters you’ve got flying around in the sky?”

“Nothing.” I quickly responded. “I’ve been a little, uh, secluded lately.”

It may have been my imagination, but Dean began to look sincerely interested. 

“Okay…well what about the big guy?I mean, your own dad should be interested in how all of this is going right?”He suggested.

I swallowed nervously and looked away.“He does not request progress reports.I’m not sure of what he knows.”

Dean turned himself completely to face me, his face twisted into something close to concern.“Why don’t you go tell him then?Let him know you’re the most badass kid with wings he’s got!”He joked, trying to lighten the mood.

“It’s not something he would be interested in, Dean.” I assured him.

“Aw, come on, Cas. He’d probably be all ‘father of the year’ proud of you.”

“Enough Dean,”I warned, “You don’t understand.”

He began to get frustrated, “Why don’t you want to talk to him?”

“Because I have never spoken to him, Dean!” I shouted, “I probably never will!” My voice was much louder than I had intended it to be.

Dean leaned away from me.His eyes widened in disbelief before he quickly looked away and ran a hand through his hair.

“Shit, Cas.” He breathed, “I’m sorry-“

“Don’t be.”I raised a hand to interrupt him, feeling guilty for my outburst.“It’s not just me.There are only four angels who have met him.He likes to remain somewhat elusive.”I explained.Dean looked back at me but said nothing.Embarrassment washed over me as I saw the pity on Dean’s face, and I couldn’t look at him anymore.Feeling the need to explain myself, I continued, “I do wonder how he would feel about my work at times, though.I like to think that he would be proud.”

Dean nodded, “I bet he would be.”I met his gaze then, and we stayed there for a moment too long before Dean pried his eyes away to make a joke.He did this when he felt nervous, I had learned.“I mean, I can relate.We’ve both got our fair share of daddy issues.”He cleared his throat and continued, “When I took Sam out of school and brought him with me to hunt, I always wondered if dad would be…”He stopped himself, and his eyes looked suspiciously glossy.He huffed a laugh and covered, “It doesn’t matter.Neither of us seem to get the answers we want anyway, huh?”

I nodded numbly.I hadn’t thought that Dean would be able to relate to something I didn’t even know bothered me until then, but it all made perfect sense.We were both forgotten sons; the ones built only to be soldiers.Neither of us would know what it was like to feel pride in ourselves, because the people we looked up to the most never gave it.We never knew that we were deserving of it.

Dean smiled awkwardly, “I, uh, guess you wanna call it a night then?”

I pretended that I hadn’t completely forgotten.“Yes,”I confirmed, “That would be best, Dean.”

He groaned dramatically and laid himself down on the bed.“Alright.Try your best not to poison me tomorrow morning, will you?”He jabbed, cracking an eye open to see my reaction.

I smiled softly,“I will try.”Dean smiled and closed his eyes, waiting for sleep to wash over him.I raised my hand to his forehead but then pulled back hesitantly.Dean’s face was soft, faint lines across his forehead and at the corners of his eyes being the only sign of emotion left over from the day.As I stared at him I realized that if this man—who has been through trials unfathomable and suffered abuse both on earth and in hell without a kind hand to guide him—can grow into someone who can still laugh through the pain and find light in what seems to be eternal darkness, then there may be hope for me yet.

“Dean,” I muttered, “Thank you.”Before he could open his eyes or respond, I placed my fingers on his forehead, and watched as he relaxed completely, his head falling slightly to one side.

Without wasting time, I placed my hand on his chest and pessimistically began the last step in our daily routine.I was already dreading having to tell Dean about another failed attempt.My vessel had grown accustomed to the sensation of entering Dean’s spiritual realm, but I still worried about whatever Jimmy may still be feeling throughout the process.He may have prayed for this fate, but it felt cruel to knowingly put him through pain.

Just as the thought entered my mind to check in on him, I was interrupted by a sudden pulling sensation.I returned my attention to Dean just in time to watch as a wall crumbled.I was being allowed in, welcomed even, and the darkness within him was finally unable to ward me off.

I had finally broken through.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

As the wall between myself and Dean’s soul crumbled, everything tattered and broken and beautiful and _Dean_ came flooding through the void.I had only a few seconds to take it all in before the overwhelming amount of information caused me to lose focus, and my vessel fought to contain my true form once again.I stumbled back a few steps and suddenly began to laugh breathlessly.After months of battling against a wall that refused to budge, I had finally succeeded.Tomorrow morning, for the first time, when I greeted Dean with yet another sad rendition of his culinary masterpiece from the previous morning, I wouldn’t be letting him down.

That thought was the only thing keeping me from shaking Dean awake at that very moment and sharing the good news.My heart raced when I imagined the look on his face, the obvious relief and gratefulness in his expression that would no doubt be mirrored in his soul.Even in my imagination Dean’s soul was beautiful.Dean had been through unspeakable things, and I wanted to make this breakthrough mean as much to him as it already did to me.With great difficulty, I contained my excitement and quietly left Dean to his slumber, trying my best not to wake him as I exited the room.If I didn’t know any better, I would think that the sound of my rapid heartbeat was loud enough to wake him.

_Deep breaths, Castiel_ I reminded myself.All I had to do was make it through the night.Then, and _only_ then, could I tell him the news.  
Unfortunately, it seemed to be the slowest night of my existence. 

————————————————————————————————————

Finding ways to occupy myself became more stressful than helpful, so I finally gave in and began preparing for the morning that would follow.Dean had been making breakfast for himself every day for months; I must have learned something valuable from watching him all that time.There were still five hours to go until Dean’s morning began, but I convinced myself that over-preparing would give me a higher chance of success.  
For the first hour, I just stared at the food and cooking utensils that were readily available.I helplessly attempted to recall the items Dean cooked with; I could only remember how genuinely joyful he looked as he worked. Realizing that I would once again be forced to improvise, I pulled out a carton of eggs and put a pan on the stove. 

_There aren’t_ rules _when it comes to making eggs, Cas_ , Dean had explained to me one morning when I tried to question the process. _You make ‘em how you like ‘em.If it tastes good, then you’re doing it right._

Unfortunately, that advice wasn’t helping me much now.For the following two hours, I slowly and carefully experimented every method of making eggs I could recall, trying my best to mimic Dean’s expertise.I had used all but two eggs in the carton when I finally made something I deemed edible, and I sunk into a chair at the counter as I congratulated myself.One task down and one more to complete before waking Dean.  
I was determined to make this a monumental moment in Dean’s life.The last thing I wanted to do was create awkward tension—something I was unfortunately good at—and ruin the excitement.Dean had waited too long to hear this news for me to minimize it’s importance.I planned every word in my mind and waited impatiently for morning to come.

With unsteady hands, I gathered Dean’s breakfast and made my way up the stairs as soon as it was a justifiable time to wake him.As I struggled between balancing the plate on my arm and opening the door, however, I heard something unusual from within Dean’s room.It was usually silent before I greeted Dean in the morning; the most I would ever hear was Dean softly humming the melody of one of his favorite songs while he waited.This was something entirely different.

There was shaky, irregular breathing, and something that sounded suspiciously close to whimpering.I had only heard something like this from Dean once before, and when I recalled it, my heart sunk.I quickly bent down to put the plate on the floor before swinging the door open and entering.

Dean was lying in a ball, his arms wrapped around his torso as his shoulders shook.The sound of the door opening and slamming against the wall caused Dean to bolt upright and face me. It was obvious that he had been crying for a long while—the wetness on his face and his red-rimmed eyes gave that away—but I did not understand why he was so deathly pale.

Embarrassment clearly evident, he turned away from me just as I rushed to his side.  
“Dean, what happened? Are you hurt?”I asked in a panic, pulling back his sheets slightly to see if there was any obvious injury.

Dean shook his head and looked up at me.“I don’t know.”He trembled, his voice sounding completely wrecked.Seeing that I was clearly at a loss, Dean continued, “Nothing…nothing happened, I just…I don’t know.Something changed, Cas.”He wiped his face angrily and took a long shaky breath.“It’s like everything I’ve spent so much time burying just ripped it’s way back to the surface.” 

_Of course._ For some reason, I had deluded myself into thinking that nothing bad could come from the breaking of that wall, but I was being completely ignorant to the emotional turmoil that Dean would inevitably experience.The wall had been allowing Dean to ignore his true feelings about the torture he withstood in Hell; he never truly had to face the events and accept that they happened.Now, he was feeling it all as if it were happening for the very first time.

“I’m being a whiny bitch about it, I know, but it’s just…Cas, what happened?” Dean begged, looking up at me with pleading eyes.  

“Dean,”I began, trying my best to keep my voice even.“The ‘wall’ that I’ve been telling you about…I was able to get past it last night.It’s gone now.”Dean clearly understood what I was saying, but it didn’t seem to make one bit of a difference to him.My guilt felt like it was threatening to stop my heart right there and then.“I am so sorry, Dean.”I gulped, not able to meet his eyes.“I overlooked this possibility.I assumed that this would be good news for the both of us.I did not expect that-“

“Stop apologizing, Cas.” Dean interrupted.He held himself tighter, closing his eyes and taking short, shallow breaths.“You did what you were told to do.So,I’m guessing your job is done now.”He snapped, a hint of annoyance in his tone.

“Dean, not at all.Your soul is still-“

“Cas, I thought the point of all this was to make me better, but if you haven’t noticed, I feel like hell.No pun intended.” He retorted, opening his eyes to scowl at me.“But you’re done, right?So now you’re gonna fly back to your family and leave me to figure this shit show out on my own. Right?”  
“Stop!” I shouted, my own frustration surprising myself. “I am not at all done with this task, and I am certainly not done with _you._ ”Dean leaned away from me, his body still trembling but his expression less threatening.I felt my face become hotter.“Dean, has it ever occurred to you that maybe _I’m_ not giving up on you, but _you_ are giving up on yourself?You are your own worst enemy, Dean.I can pull you from Hell, I can save your shattered soul, but I am still unsure whether or not it is even possible to save you from _yourself.”_

Dean shakily exhaled and shook his head subtly.He opened his mouth as if he wanted to respond, but after a moment his head fell against the headboard and he closed his eyes, tears falling to either side of his face.My vessel’s heart was racing; I was irrationally concerned about whether or not it would stop altogether.  

All I could do was stand and wait, worrying whether or not Dean would be angry with me for my honesty.He laid with his head against the headboard for what felt like hours before he opened his eyes again and spoke, without meeting my eyes.

“You’re probably right.”Dean conceded, his breathing still irregular and unsteady.“But one thing I know for damn sure is that I can’t do it alone.”He turned to me, his tears making the green of his eyes dangerously intense.If I thought my heart would stop before, now I was absolutely certain.  
Dean admitting that he needed help was a big enough miracle, but Dean asking _me_ for help?I had never felt so under-qualified.

“What do you need, Dean?” I asked helplessly.I wanted so badly to know how to fix this without asking, to make everything better with a snap of the fingers, but when it came to Dean, things were rarely that simple.  
Luckily, Dean seemed to be as clueless as I was.  
He laughed sadly, “Hell if I know, Cas.”His trembling was persistent. Though he was fighting to take even breaths and to hold his own body still, it seemed that he had no control over it.I wanted nothing more than to help.I _ached_ to help him. Dean was looking at me with more trust than I was worthy of, and I would have given anything to live up to his expectations.

Months ago, in a situation like this, I would have apologized and left Dean to cope on his own if he asked for help.Thankfully, months ago, Dean wouldn’t have asked.Now, however, I felt like some sort of newfound human instinct was making decisions for me.I wondered how much of that instinct came from my vessel and how much of it was subconsciously learned from getting to know Dean.  
I forced myself not to overthink about what my body was willing me to do.As Dean sat looking at the ceiling with his head against the headboard, I quickly sat beside him and slid one arm between his back and the pillow, pulling him closer to me.  
Any protest Dean may have been making was muffled as I gently pulled his tense, shaking body against my chest, my arm firmly around his waist.Dean pulled his head away from my body to look up at me in a state of shocked confusion. He seemed to be at a loss for words.  
I looked away nervously, “Dean, you are not well.I understand that this may be a completely useless attempt, but seeing as almost everything we have accomplished together has been due to a trial and error process, I have decided that following my strange instinctual urge to hold you might actually be beneficial.”I spoke so quickly that I wondered if Dean even understood.When I finally looked back at him, tears were no longer spilling from his eyes and he was gazing at me in bewilderment.I tried to ignore what looked like redness in his cheeks.  

Unexpectedly, Dean gave in, putting his head down to rest against my chest and pausing for a moment before hoarsely whispering, “I guess we’ll find out.”

We laid there for a few moments in silence, and I slowly began panicking. Dean was rigid in my arms; at times I could swear he wasn’t even breathing. 

“Uh, Dean?” I cleared my throat. “It may help if you continue to breathe.”  

He laughed nervously, and even that small movement loosened the tension in his shoulders tremendously.He molded against me more completely as I felt him allowing himself to be weak for a while.As a comfortable silence fell between us and Dean slowly became more relaxed, I felt his body begin to tremble again.At first, I worried that it was a sign that what I was doing was hurting him more than it was helping, but I soon realized that it was completely the opposite.Dean wasn’t trying to compose himself anymore; he was trusting me enough to be vulnerable.He was requesting my help and comfort without having to say the words.

He shifted himself so that he was lying against me more completely and buried his face in the crook of my neck as his hand made a tight fist in my shirt.I was momentarily unsure whether or not this was a positive sign—he seemed to be trying to hide the fact that his face was wet with tears again—but the heart racing in my vessel’s chest made the distinction for me.

I wanted Dean to know that I was there for him, no matter what he needed from me, but I didn’t trust my voice enough to speak at that moment.Instead, I brought my other arm around him as well, holding him tighter in an attempt to calm his incessant trembling.Dean tilted his head up at me slightly but kept his gaze away from mine.

“Cas?” He mumbled, “This is the worst of it, right?I mean, you know how to fix this?” He chewed at the inside of his cheek as he impatiently awaited my response.

I smiled at the ceiling.“The hardest part is behind us now, Dean.Your pain is not everlasting.”

Dean sighed in relief and nodded lazily.He tilted his head back down to rest against me and his grip on my shirt loosened.  
Dean laughed, “Now, there’s a sentence I never thought I’d believe.”

I could only smile in response, though he couldn’t see.I was embarrassed by how loud the beating of my heart felt to me, but if Dean heard it he didn’t seem to mind.His breathing was beginning to slow, and with each exhale it felt as if he sunk deeper into my arms, pulling me tighter against him.I couldn’t be sure whether or not this was intentional, but at that very moment it made not one bit of a difference to me.

It quickly occurred to me that we were now very behind schedule, but as I started to say something to Dean, I looked down and saw the serene expression he only ever displayed when he wasn’t conscious enough to be defensive.Dean deserved a day off, and if he wanted to spend that day curled up in a ball on his bed, then I would happily oblige him.After all, I definitely was not bothered by it.

Perhaps I should have been bothered.Perhaps I should have woken Dean up right then and commanded him to eat and prepare for the day.However, was there even a purpose in our ‘routine’ now that the wall had been broken?We had been living this way for months in the hopes that a mutual trust would aid in the healing of his soul, and we had now completed the first and most difficult task.What now?  
Determined to find the answer to this question before Dean woke, I waited until he was deeply asleep before placing my hand firmly against his back, closing my eyes, and viewing his soul clearly for the first time since I saw it in Hell.While the wall was in tact, I could see only the dim glow of his soul, but now that it was down I could examine it more thoroughly.I wasn’t quite ready to begin the process of piecing it back together; I didn’t want to risk hurting Dean when I hadn’t even evaluated the situation.

As I focused all of my energy on Dean, it quickly became clear that no amount of Grace on God’s earth could renovate his soul completely.It would take a great deal of time for it to heal, and even then there would be irreparable structural flaws.I estimated that it would take another three to four months with me for Dean’s soul to be healed to the extent that my father required it to be.  

Even though I knew I was supposed to be comforted by that fact, I couldn’t suppress the dread that filled me when I imagined my task being _done._

————————————————————————————————————

Hours went by and Dean slept comfortably in the exact same spot.He shifted from time to time, pulling me closer and occasionally nuzzling his head against my neck, but his body was otherwise completely relaxed and still.It comforted me to see Dean so at ease, but I did my best to stay focused and to make the conversation the two of us needed to have my first priority.

Eventually, Dean began to stir and his eyes fluttered open.He said nothing at first, but when he tilted his head up and saw me looking back at him, he quickly sat up with an embarrassed smile.

“Cas! Hey!” He laughed uncomfortably, rubbing his eyes.“I didn’t think—uh, I didn’t expect you to stay.”

I shrugged as I pushed myself up to a seated position beside him.“I didn’t mind, Dean.” He smiled in response and looked away from me as I asked, “How are you feeling?”

“Good.Great, actually.”Dean responded quickly, a smile now stuck on his face.He still wouldn’t meet my gaze, but the redness in his cheeks I noticed the night before had returned.Dean cleared his throat, “Just, uh, still tired.”

I nodded, “That’s understandable.You’ve been through a great deal in the last 24 hours.”I looked down at my fidgeting hands as I continued, “Dean,I really am incredibly sorry for underestimating the gravity of this situation-“

“Hey,”Dean stopped me, raising a hand to silence me and finally making eye contact. “What did I say about apologizing?You’ve got nothing to be sorry for, Cas, so quit worrying.”He was speaking softly, and something about the genuine nature of his tone made it impossible for me to argue with him.“Still,” he added, “I’d kinda like to know what happens next.You can touch my soul or whatever now, right?So, now all you gotta do is patch it up and send me on my way?”If his voice caught slightly at the mention of going home, I pretended not to notice.

“That’s precisely what I wished to discuss with you, Dean.”I confirmed, turning myself on the bed to face him more completely, demanding his focus.“Now that there is no barrier between myself and your soul, the healing can finally begin.However, I am unsure how you will be effected.It will be different than before, I suspect, but I’m not sure how.I do know that it will take anywhere from three to four months to complete, however.”

“Hold on.”Dean interjected, leaning his side against the headboard as he spoke, “Three to four months?That’s it?And then my soul is good as new?”  
“Not exactly.While I can piece it back together and make most of it whole again, it is highly unlikely that…” My voice trailed off as I saw the concern on Dean’s face.I did my best to use the social skills I had picked up from Dean over the last few months.“Dean,” I started again, “Your soul has been through unimaginable trials.The damage is not irreparable, but no matter how hard I try there will still be holes in it’s structure.”

Dean nodded his understanding and bit his lip.After a moment he spoke, “Three to four months, huh?Seems like a reasonably quick job.”His voice was a great deal lower and more gravelly than usual.When I did not answer, he sighed, “Well, since there doesn’t seem to be any rush, I’m gonna go ahead and pick up where I left off, if you don’t mind.”He patted the pillow and smiled stiffly at me.

“Oh.Of course.”I replied, reluctantly turning away from him and swinging my legs back over the side of the bed.Before I could place my feet on the floor, however, Dean grabbed my hand.

“Uh, Cas?”He inquired, holding my hand firmly in place.“You, uh…I mean, you don’t _have_ to go.If you don’t want to, that is.”I turned slowly and tilted my head at him as he continued.“This whole, uh, ‘tearing down the wall’ thing has been…difficult.It’s kinda nice to wake up feeling safe for a change.”  


To say I was shocked would be a massive understatement.Not wanting to risk making him regret making this admission, however, I quickly responded.  


“I understand, Dean.”  


“So, uh, will you?”He asked, biting his lips nervously.  


“Will I what?”I replied with faux innocence.

Dean rolled his eyes dramatically, “Oh come on, Cas! You’re gonna make me say it?”  


I smiled deviously at Dean.“I would appreciate it if you said it, yes.”  


Dean laughed breathlessly and shook his head at me.“Fine. Cas, stay with me. Please?”  


I was even more surprised by his confidence, but I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded.  
“Of course, Dean.”  


We returned to the position we had spent the last several hours in, and Dean’s breathing began to slow within seconds.Just as I thought he was going to fall asleep, Dean began chuckling under his breath.  


“What are you laughing at?”I asked, looking down at him.  


“Oh nothing.I just never thought that ‘Castiel: Angel of The Lord’ would sass me.”Dean responded.  


I smiled, “I haven’t the slightest idea what you are referring to, Dean.”  


Dean laughed much louder now.“And sarcasm now, too?Oh, _god._ ”Once his giggling had subsided Dean draped an arm over my stomach and squeezed me closer as he sighed.

“I’ve created a monster.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took about two weeks to post!! I've got some big events coming up, so the next one may be a little late as well, but expect smooth sailing from next chapter on!!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blatant quoting of canon in this chapter. If you don't want season 4 spoilers, you may want to avoid this chapter.

**Chapter 11**

It amazed me how painless it was to be with Dean.At first, when I had to be in the same room as Dean, I was on high alert, wings at the ready in case I lost control of the situation and needed to get away and allow him time to calm down.Or, more realistically, in case Dean lost his temper and I didn’t know _how_ to control a situation.However, after the breakthrough I had within Dean’s soul, it was when I _wasn’t_ with Dean that I was most nervous.

Those rare occasions when I had to leave the bunker gave me my first glimpse of what human anxiety feels like.Dean always knew when I was leaving because I would either cling to him and refuse to let him leave my sight, or hover beside him without speaking until he forced me to face my fear.  

It wasn’t just being away from Dean that caused me anxiety, it was facing the other angels.Since my fight with Uriel, I had been blacklisted in the angel community.I could hardly contact anyone on the Angel Radio, and when I did happen to overhear my name being mentioned, it was never something I wanted to hear.Try though I did to clear my name, Uriel seemed to have brainwashed them all past the point of redeeming myself.It somehow made me more aware of how different I was from the others.

However, being cast out from the angel community did not bother me as much as it should have.Nothing really mattered to me other than the life I had with Dean, as strange as it was.It didn’t matter how unprecedented and confusing our relationship was; it was a _life._ It was unlike anything I had ever experienced before, and I found myself worrying constantly about what would happen when our time together ran out.  
Our new routine—a far more comfortable routine than the one we previously followed—felt too natural to ever give up.I would watch serenely as Dean slept beside me each night, sometimes curling up next to him and closing my own eyes as if I could sleep too.At the beginning, I told Dean that each night I worked on the reformation of his soul.Since he never asked, however, I didn’t tell him that I hadn’t actually done that in weeks. Instead, I just laid beside him, checking on the condition of his soul every now and then, but making no real attempt to heal it.  
That was the first time I experienced another human emotion: selfishness.I knew how horribly wrong it was, but it made me feel so _happy._ Dean smiled much more freely now, and each time he did, I couldn’t help but smile in response.His smile used to be a rare sighting, but it became so familiar that I would have been concerned if he woke up without it. How could it be wrong to deny the healing of a soul that already seemed so content the way it was?

If this kind of happiness was a sin, then I would just have to hope that my father was as forgiving as the other angels said he was.

————————————————————————————————————

It was a morning just like every other since Dean and I began our unspoken ritual.As usual, I would quietly make my way downstairs when I sensed that Dean was nearing the end of his sleep cycle.I had given up trying to cook for him a long time ago; if Dean were to eat something I created, he would surely be poisoned.Instead, I sat down at the kitchen counter and waited patiently for Dean to come down.  
As I sat, I thought about Uriel for the first time in several months.I had no idea what he was doing, where he was, or whether or not he had given up his attempts to retaliate against Dean and I.If he was on earth, was he telling the others in our garrison about what had happened?If he was in Heaven, was he spreading the word in the hopes that our father would overhear?I wondered if maybe I should attempt to contact Uriel myself and put an end to my worries, but I couldn’t bring myself to risk Dean’s well being without reason.  
When I heard the creaking of the stairs, I sat up straighter.Even after all our time together, I still felt nervous when I knew Dean was nearby.Perhaps even more troubling, when he rounded the corner and I caught sight of him for the first time each morning, I still felt as if my vessel’s heart was trying to reject itself, and this day was no exception.Dean bounded down the stairs and into my line of sight.

“Hello, Dean.”I greeted him, sheepishly.  
Dean’s head snapped over in my direction as if he didn’t expect to see me there.He smiled half-heartedly as he grumbled, “Morning, Cas.”  
I frowned and tilted my head in confusion at him as he slowly made his way over to the refrigerator.He looked as if he was lost in thought, and whatever it was that was stealing his attention was not making him happy.  
“What is it, Dean?”I asked.  
“What is what?”He responded without looking bak at me.  
I cleared my throat. “Is something wrong?”  
Dean’s gaze dropped to the floor as he closed the refrigerator door and went to look through the cabinets. Dean wasn’t looking for food, he was looking for a distraction.  
“Nothing’s wrong.I just had a weird dream is all.”He mumbled, still rifling through the cabinets.  
I allowed myself to relax slightly.Dreams were something I could handle.  
“Was it about Hell?”I asked.  
Dean laughed sarcastically, “I wish.”He slammed a cabinet door shut and turned finally to meet my eyes.“It was Sam.”  
Dreams suddenly became something I definitely could _not_ handle.  
“Oh.”I looked away from him and quietly asked, “Would you like to talk about it?”  
Dean sighed loudly and made his way around the counter to sit in the chair next to me.“Cas, why can’t you go check on him?”He asked. “I get that I can’t go cause I’m not healed yet or whatever, but you can!”  
I turned away from him, “Dean…”  
Dean quickly grabbed my chin and turned my head to him.“Cas, please.You told me that he was being hunted _months_ ago and you expect me to just sit here and wait for Lilith to kill him?” His voice was unsteady and the desperate look in his eyes was unbearable. I softly grasped his wrist and pulled his hand away from my face.

“Dean, I told you that the angels would not let anything happen to your brother while you were here.Do you not trust me?”I questioned.  
“I trust you, Cas, I do.But I sure as hell don’t trust them.”He responded. Dean’s expression softened.“Just…please, Cas.All I’m asking is for you to pop down there, make sure Lilith is nowhere to be seen, that Sam’s not doing something stupid, and come back.Can you do that for me?”Dean begged.  
It was impossible for me to say no.  
I sighed and nodded subtly. “Yes, Dean. I can do that.” I conceded, and with one last smile of reassurance, I left.  
  
————————————————————————————————————

Finding Sam Winchester was no easy feat.I expected to be searching for someone whose soul is very much like Dean’s, but that was surprisingly not the case.When I did locate Sam, I almost could not believe that the two were related by blood.His soul was darker than Dean’s ever was in Hell, and there was something about it that repelled me.Even more frightening was my instinctual urge to attack him.  
Shaking off the ridiculous thought that Dean’s brother could be anything but a human deeply troubled by his brother’s death, I examined the half-demolished house I had arrived by.The walls were barely standing and the wood was rotted and cracked; the only functioning part of the house was the front door.I wondered if this was somewhere the Winchesters commonly stayed, but from what I understood, they never lived in any one place for very long.  

As I stood at the house’s entrance preparing to knock, I paused.Why should I spy on Dean’s brother?I knew that, in reality, Lilith was not presently hunting Sam.If I wanted to, I could leave now and return to Dean to report that all was well.I wanted so badly to get away, but after lying to Dean I owed him at least this.  
The plan was to knock on the door, introduce myself as an unknown family friend, ask how Sam was doing, and promptly leave.However, the sound of another voice—a woman’s voice—stopped me from knocking.  
“I can’t bring Dean back,” The female voice said, “But I can get you something else that you want.” I pressed my ear to the door to hear the conversation more clearly.  
“And what’s that?”Said the man, whom I presumed to be Sam.  
“Lilith.”The woman responded.  
I had to suppress every urge that told me to burst into the house and demand to know where Lilith was.Instead,I ran quickly to the side of the house where a large portion of the wall was missing.I needed to hear the conversation more clearly.  
“…just tell me what I have to do.”Sam was demanding as I reached an opening in the wall.As carefully as I could, I leaned forward to catch a glimpse of the nameless woman that was assisting Sam.Her back was to me, but as she sat down at a table, I briefly saw her face.  
A demon.A _demon_ was sitting directly in front of Dean Winchester’s brother.I suddenly felt more guilty than ever.I had been assuring Dean that his brother was safe for months; how long had he been in correspondence with this creature of Hell?More importantly, did Sam know what he was dealing with?  
“Look, Lilith is one scary bitch.When I was in the pit, there was talk.”The demon whispered, and I had my answer.But now a more troubling question had arisen: why was Sam _knowingly_ seeking help from a demon?  
“She’s cooking up something big.”The demon continued, “‘Apocalyptic’ big.”  
“So, let’s kill her.”Sam responded.  
“You wanna go in there and half-ass it like before? We have the time to get it right.Let’s get it right!”She interrupted.  
I knew that I could end this right now.I could exorcise the demon right there and put Sam out of harm’s way.But what good would it do to get rid of this demon when Sam was attempting to hunt down Lilith, putting him in a far more dangerous situation?  
“Okay,” Sam conceded, “What do you want from me?”  
The demon shrugged, “Well, a little patience. And sobriety.”At that, Sam laughed.He looked as if he hadn’t been sober in years.The demon continued, “Promise me that, and I will teach you everything I know.”  
There was nothing that I could do.As far as I could tell—though I could never be completely certain—this demon was no immediate threat to Sam.In fact, it seemed that she was sincerely trying to help him kill Lilith.But how could a demon be sincere?I had never heard of any evil creature attempting to kill their own kind, and I certainly could not believe that they would do it without some hidden agenda.If I exorcised the demon right then, I would risk exposing myself to Sam and causing more problems.However, letting the demon live meant that Sam would be seeking out Lilith and putting himself in immense danger.  
I wished so badly for their to be a correct choice, but there was none. I knew I could only let everything run it’s course as I watched from afar.  
The problem now was that I couldn’t let myself keep Dean in the dark any longer.

————————————————————————————————————

“Cas!”Dean exclaimed, jumping out of the chair he had been waiting in.I had never seen such an animated expression on his face.“That was pretty fast.Did you see him?”He asked, practically bursting with anticipation.  
I wanted so badly to find a way out of the conversation.  
I sighed, “Yes, Dean.I saw Sam.”  
“ _And?_ ”Dean begged, his eyes wide and bright.  
It didn’t take long for me to have to look away.“Lilith is not nearby, like I told you before.”I told him, then quickly changed the subject.“Have you eaten yet? I can try to make something if you’d like, but you know that I’m not very skilled at-“  
“Woah, hang on, Cas.”Dean interrupted.“You gotta tell me what you saw! What’s going on?Is Sammy hurt? Cas, if he’s hurt I have to know.You have to tell me if something is-“

I held up a hand to silence him, “No, Dean.Sam is not hurt.”Dean visibly relaxed and slowly nodded in response. “However, he is not handling your death very well.He has been utilizing…unexpected coping mechanisms.”I stammered, my eyes darting around the room as if subconsciously searching for a way out of the situation.  
“Unexpected?Cas, it’s hardly a surprise that the kid’s a wreck.”He scoffed.“As long as he isn’t being hunted and I’m gonna get to go back down there and protect his ass, a little bit of loneliness is the least of my worries.”Dean laughed and headed toward the fridge as he added, “So, what are these ‘unexpected coping mechanisms’, Cas? Drinking? Strip clubs?”

I swallowed hard over the lump that had formed in my throat.“Not exactly.”I shuffled toward Dean and stood directly behind him.“Dean, while you were alive, did Sam have any…friends?Dangerous friends?”  
Dean turned around and stared at me, confused. “Uh, no not really.I mean, I know Sam at friends at Stanford but, in case you haven’t noticed, being a hunter makes it kinda hard to have a social life.”He stepped forward and squinted suspiciously at me.“Why?”

“When I found Sam, he was with someone.A woman.”I told him, then corrected myself, “Well, not exactly a woman.She was a demon.”When fear flashed across Dean’s face and his body stiffened, I quickly added, “She seemed to know Sam well, and you, for that matter.They seemed to be…friends.”

Dean cocked his head at me in confusion before a realization washed over him.He rolled his eyes and looked away from me.“Ruby.”He growled.  
“Who?”  
“The evil bitch who’s been trying to get Sam to go all ‘dark side’.”He explained.“She may have saved us once or twice, but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s a demon.She’s no good, Cas.”I still wasn’t entirely sure how the brothers had gained a demon ally, but I nodded as if I understood.Dean asked, “What were they doing?”  
I stared at Dean with wide eyes, unable to find the words needed to explain, to admit that I had lied to him.Dean harshly repeated himself, “Cas, what were they doing?”  
I turned my head away from Dean, “They were planning an attack against Lilith.Ruby said that she was going to teach Sam how to kill her.”  
I didn’t need to be looking at Dean to know that he was furious.  
“I’m sorry, what? _Sam_ is hunting _Lilith?_ You said it was the other way around!”He shouted.  
“Dean, it was the only way I could get you to stay in the bunker and cooperate.If you didn’t have a reason to stay, you would have-“  
“So you’ve been lying to me from the get-go?”He asked, stepping dangerously close to me. “That’s great, Cas.That’s just fucking peachy.What else have you been lying about?Is my soul even damaged at all?Or are you just holding me here until Lilith kills Sam so you can throw me back in the pit?Is that what this is?”Dean shouted, his voice wavering as he yelled.  
There was an unfamiliar stinging in my eyes.“Dean, please calm down-“  
“Calm down?”He seethed. “My little brother is planning a suicide mission with a fucking demon and you want me to calm down?”Dean brushed quickly past me, running his hands angrily through his hair.“You said he was safe, Cas. You told me the angels were protecting him.Was that a lie, too?Is _everything_ here a lie?”  
I followed him desperately, “They are watching over Sam!They wouldn’t let anybody hurt him.Dean, I am so sorry.I was misguided. I just…Uriel told me that you were going to fight against me, that I was going to fail, and I just wanted to keep you safe, Dean.All I ever wanted was to keep you safe!”It was only in the silence that followed that I realized I had been yelling too.  
“Safe.”Dean repeated quietly, turning to face me.“Is that what this place is? Safe?Living with an angel who is _supposedly_ healing me?Someone who I thought-“He paused and rubbed away the wetness welling up in his eyes. “Whatever.It doesn’t matter.What matters now is that Sammy’s gonna do something stupid and I’ve gotta stop him.So, you need to heal me, finish your job like you so badly want to, and get the hell out of my way.”The lethal look in his eyes was enough to make me take a fearful step back.As I did, Dean turned on his heel and quickly made his way up the stairs, the door slamming violently shut when he reached his room.  
After standing in stunned silence for what felt like hours, I stumbled backwards into a kitchen chair.I wanted to run up to Dean’s room and force him to understand.I wanted to tell him that he could trust me, that I would never knowingly lie to hurt him.I wanted to tell him that I have done everything, all of this, for him. But it would be useless.Dean wouldn’t hear a word of it as angry as he was.  
I leaned my elbows on the table and buried my face in my hands.It was clear that this had been coming since the moment I decided to listen to Uriel and lie to Dean, but I never imagined that it would ruin everything.  
The hardest part wasn’t knowing that I had failed my father or that I had possibly lost any chance of Dean allowing me to heal him, it was knowing that Dean didn’t want or need me.All I was to Dean now was the unimportant angel that would put his soul back together and send him back home. That was not something I could accept, not after all we had been through together.  
I stood abruptly and made my way up the stairs.From outside Dean’s room, I heard the inevitable rage begin.I had no idea what it was that Dean was smashing against the walls; it sounded like he was grabbing anything he could get his hands on. Dean was furious now, but from what I knew about him, this could be put behind us in time.All I could do now was wait.  
I sat down against the wall directly to the right of the door and closed my eyes.When Dean was ready, he would emerge from the room and I would prove that I am worthy of his trust. He had to believe me.  
My head fell back against the wall and I sat helplessly as I listened to Dean fall apart, hating myself for being the cause.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

The next seven days were by far the longest I had ever endured.  
~

The first was the hardest; there were times when I thought that Dean would burst out of his room and try to strangle me to death.The sound of glass shattering and wood cracking every now and then was a constant reminder of the horrible mistake I had made.Dean’s rage was completely justified, but I would have given anything to not have been the reason for it.

After a few hours of sitting outside of his room, I realized that Dean hadn’t eaten anything in the morning and—though it should have been the least of my worries at that moment—he would be requiring lunch soon.I quickly went to the kitchen to make the simplest of Dean’s signature sandwiches, afterward setting the plate outside Dean’s door and promptly returning to my spot against the wall.I wasn’t at all surprised when Dean didn’t come looking for it.  

When he did emerge, quickly spotting the plate on the ground before him, he walked past it and down the stairs to the kitchen without hesitation.I heard the clanking of silverware, the opening and closing of doors and cabinets, and finally, Dean coming back up the stairs.I sat up straighter as he came into sight, hoping that maybe he had something to say.However, he walked past me without once glancing in my direction, stepped over the plate in front of the door, and entered his room slamming the door behind him.The bunker suddenly felt drastically colder.  
~

The second and third days were much quieter than the first.I continued to place food on a plate outside his room in the hopes that he would realize it was the only way I could think of communicating with him.I knew that speaking to him before he was ready would end violently; the only way to let him know that I was still there for him was to show him that I wasn’t giving up.Unfortunately, Dean stepped directly over the plate and made his own meal in the kitchen each time, still refusing to acknowledge me sitting patiently outside of his room.  
When the light I could see shining through the crack beneath his door went out each night, I felt a desperate need to be with him.Dean and I had been spending nights together for so long—it felt wrong to be away from him now.Dean had said that knowing I was beside him while he slept made him feel safe.I wondered if he felt unsafe now without me there, or worse, if now he felt safer with me gone.  
~

On the fourth day, small progress was made.I placed the breakfast I had made outside his door as usual and waited for him to wake.Eventually, his door swung open.He had barely taken one step before he stopped and sighed loudly.This alone had gotten my attention as it was the closest thing to “communication” that had transpired between us in four days.I looked to the side and locked my gaze on the plate, watching Dean carefully in my peripheral vision.He was looking away from me, but I could see him subtly shaking his head as he stood in the doorway.I was considering asking him if everything was alright when he frustratedly exhaled and leaned down to pick up the plate.Before I could react, he re-entered his room and slammed the door shut.  
~

The fifth and sixth days of silence were the same.Dean would emerge to take the plate—something I decided to interpret as progress—and return as quickly as he came.A part of me wanted to ask for help from the Angel Network, but I wasn’t even sure that I was accepted by my _own_ garrison, let alone by the others.It seemed clear to me that Dean was not going to forgive me, and he was certainly not planning on allowing me to continue healing him any time soon.The healing process was at a complete stand-still, but for some reason, that felt like the least of my concerns.  
~

Day seven was the answer to my prayers.

I sat picking at the thread of my coat outside Dean’s door, suddenly aware of the stiffness in my vessel’s muscles and joints.I had been sitting in the same spot for approximately 153 hours—aside from trips to the kitchen—when Dean opened his door.However, this time was different.Instead of picking up his plate and returning, he looked down as if he was noticing me sitting there for the first time.Afraid to meet his eyes, I sat motionless, hoping that he would be the one to break the silence.Without a word, however, Dean went back into his room and left the door wide-open behind him.  
I waited a few seconds before I deemed it safe to turn and look.I was unsure whether it was a mistake or an invitation, and I was terrified of making the wrong decision.Slowly, and accompanied by the loud popping of my vessel’s joints, I shuffled over to the doorway.Dean was leaning against his bed, arms crossed and expression impossible to read.

After a few seconds of tense silence, Dean finally put an end to the most torturous silence of my existence.

“You gonna come in or what?”He said gruffly, looking at me for the first time in seven long days.  
I nodded and slowly made my way into his room, stepping lightly as if at any moment I would set off a bomb.I wasn’t entirely convinced that that _wouldn’t_ happen _._ I tried to disregard the fact that it looked like one had already gone off in his room.  
“Dean-“  
“It’s not your turn to talk, Cas, it’s mine.”He growled, “Sit down and listen.”  
I let out a shaky breath and nodded as I moved to sit down.It suddenly dawned on me just how intimidated I was by Dean, though I couldn’t quite figure out why.I was a soldier of Heaven, a superior being by all means, but this mortal human utterly terrified me. Perhaps it was due to the constant pressure to please my father by fulfilling my orders, or perhaps it was something more.Either way, I was unsettled by the sudden realization.

“I’m gonna make this quick, okay?”Dean promised, staring at me with unnerving severity.“You lied to me, Cas.You tricked me to get me to stay here knowing exactly how fucked up I was. That I needed something- _someone-_ to trust.”

I shifted uncomfortably.Meeting his eyes was impossible. 

“What I’m still trying to figure out is, why?”  
“I never meant to-“

“I’m not done.”Dean loudly interrupted.  

A wave of anger suddenly replaced my fear.Was Dean truly that blinded by my lie that he could not see that my intention was never to hurt?It was always to _protect._ Uriel told me that lying was my only choice; that I would lose him and fail God if I did not provide Dean with some reason to stay.I was naïve, confused.All I wanted to do was explain, but I was in no place to argue with Dean.

“More importantly,” Dean continued, “I want to know if this…’arrangement’ is over.Because I trusted you, Cas. I trusted you with my life.And if I can’t do that anymore, then I’m done.”

I breathed deeply before responding, trying to form a calm, coherent thought.  
“I understand your uncertainty,”I started, forcefully adding, “I _do_ , Dean”, when he rolled his eyes. He nodded at me to go on and I regained some composure.“What I did to you is unforgivable by your standards, and it seems that nothing I can do will change that.However, I would like to make things right by-”

“What, you think you can use your angel mojo to make this go away?”He mocked.  
“If you would stop interrupting me for more than two seconds and let me speak, you would know _exactly_ what I think.”I retorted, perhaps a bit louder than necessary.Dean’s eyes widened, and after a moment’s silence he gestured to me to speak before recrossing his arms tightly across his chest.

“Thank you.”I sighed angrily, standing and taking a few strides away from Dean.I wanted to sound strong, in command. I couldn’t do that with Dean’s disappointed eyes boring down at me.  

“As I was saying, I have every intention of proving my worth to you Dean.Whatever it takes, however long it takes, I will do it.When we first me, I was a brainwashed servant of Heaven,”I paused to consider what I had just admitted before adding, “Maybe I still am.Maybe I will never be able to rid myself of the corrupt ideas branded in my brain through years and years of being led by the unjust.But I’m changing, Dean.I’m changing every day because of you.”I swallowed nervously and quietly added,“And I like who I am becoming.”

Dean pushed himself away from the bed and turned to me. “So you want to move forward?You want me to ignore the pit in my stomach that’s telling me to stay the hell away from you?”He asked, distress apparent in his tone.  
“You have to let me prove your instincts wrong, and I can’t do that if I’m sitting outside your door waiting for you to accept me as a part of your life.”I said, trying not to sound like I was begging.“Forget my mistake for just one second, and think of all that I have done.All that I will continue to do for you.Please.”

“I want to, Cas,” Dean admitted, dropping his gaze to the floor, “I wanna be able to forget it.You’re all I’ve got, and losing you right now would-“He stopped himself and exhaled shakily, closing his eyes. “I want to forget it, Cas, but forty years of torture haunting my every thought are making it hard for me to believe a damn word you’re saying.”  
Dean’s admission was all it took for me to break down.As much as I would have liked to believe that I wasn’t completely desperate for forgiveness, that is exactly what I had been reduced to in my seven days of exile.I rushed toward him and grasped his shoulders tightly.

“I haven’t lied to you since that day.Dean, I will _never_ make that mistake again.”I begged, “We are so close to fixing this, and even though healing you means I will have to send you back to earth, I am devoted to doing it.Not for God, not for my own sake, but for _yours._ ”I quickly realized that I hadn’t been entirely prepared for the honesty within that statement.  

I truly didn’t care about gaining the approval of my father anymore.I didn’t want it; I hadn’t wanted it in a very long time.Dean was more important now, and I was starting to believe that he had been all along, even if it took me far too long to come to that conclusion.

Countless emotions flitted across Dean’s face as he processed this new information.If I was relieved by a look of happiness one moment, it was washed away the next with a sudden expression of anger.I would have continued speaking, but I was almost certain that he wouldn’t really hear me until he could understand all of what I had just said for himself.

When his eyes finally settled back on mine, he stammered, “I didn’t think…I mean, I knew, I just thought that maybe something had, you know…changed or something.I just…you’re really sending me back?”  
Of all the possible responses I had been expecting, I had not been at all prepared to hear that.  
My hands slowly fell from his shoulders. “I…what?”  
“I know you said that God has some grand plan for me, but…Jesus, Cas, it’s not like the guy has been all that reliable, you know?”He explained as if he was trying to convince me of something, but my brain was failing to make a connection.His voice soft and unsteady, he continued, “And I…I like it here. I hated it at first, yeah, but now…it’s more of a home than I ever had down there.I like it here with you.” 

The gravity of his words made me stumble back a step.  
“But we-“I started, unsure of how to respond.“But you _have_ to go back.I don’t have control over that, it’s…it’s God’s will.Eventually, you will have to leave here and fulfill your duty and…”My voice trailed off as I saw that my words were not getting through to Dean.  

I tried persuading from a different angle. “What about Sam?How will he take down Lilith without you, Dean?”

“Sammy’s strong,”he quickly retorted,“I raised him that way.It’s gonna be hard, no doubt about it, but he can do it.He’s still got Bobby!”  
“I didn’t see another man when I went down to-“  
“Castiel.”Dean loudly interjected, startling me with the use of my full name.“Why would you fix up what’s left of my soul just to send me back and have it shredded all over again?” When I tilted my head at him with confusion, he took a step closer and explained, “Do you really think that _all_ that damage was from Hell?My life down there was far from perfect.In fact, it was killing me every day.But here…” In one swift motion, Dean grasped both of my hands and held them up to his chest. “If you fix me up and keep me here, I would _stay_ fixed.”  
“Dean, what-“I began, but was stopped cold when I looked up to find Dean’s bright green eyes just inches from mine. I knew that I should tell him that there were no exceptions; he had to go back to earth once all of this was over.  

At the same time, however, I felt like giving up Dean would be the last thing I ever did. Dean was there, closer than ever before, and then…

He wasn’t.

————————————————————————————————————

In the blink of an eye, there was no bunker, there was no Dean.I was in a small room with all white walls, no furniture, nobody in sight.My hands were suddenly much colder.  
“Castiel,”A familiar voice called from behind me.Startled, I whipped around and was instantly relieved.  

“Anna.” I sighed, “Where are we?Where is Dean?”  
Her face grew colder as she avoided my questions. “We’ve reached an agreement in our garrison, Castiel.Be glad it’s me coming to speak with you and not Uriel.”  
“I don’t understand.”I responded, unsettled by the angry expression on Anna’s face.  
“You have become too attached to your charge, Castiel.We cannot let it go any further.”Anna stated robotically.In my stunned silence, she added, “We believe you have forgotten why you were given this task in the first place.”  
“Anna, whatever is going on-“  
“Your order was a gift.An honor.”She continued, her voice drowning mine out.  
“You don’t have to do this.I don’t know what Uriel is telling you, but-“  
“Castiel, you have taken advantage of this honor and in doing so put the human population at risk.”She shouted, cutting my sentence short.“Our garrison has agreed that this relationship has been drawn out long enough, and if you will not put an end to it then we will.”  
It felt as if my rage was coursing through my veins, threatening to explode out of my skin with every word Anna spat at me.  

I was incredibly confused by my feelings for Dean.I had no idea how or when it began; I didn’t even know exactly what it meant.All I knew is that no emotion that strong could possibly be shunned by God.  
“Anna,” I spoke meticulously, lowering my voice, “You don’t know.You couldn’t possibly know what it’s like to feel the way that I do about Dean.I don’t know exactly what it is, but I know that it is strong, and I know that I couldn’t stop it even if I wanted to.”  
Anna finally looked away from me then, a glimpse of her real self beginning to showthrough her stony expression.“I have spent a great deal of time with humans, Castiel.”

“Then you must know that there are some human emotions that simply cannot be explained or stopped!”I insisted.  
Anna squeezed her eyes shut, “Uriel said that it didn’t matter.He said that you had to be stopped and that I had no choice.”When she looked at me again, there were tears in her eyes.“I am so sorry, Castiel.”  
I felt like I was going to be sick.“What’s going to happen?”I asked.  
Anna shrugged, “Uriel said that you are disgracing our father, and that he has no choice but to speak with him himself.”  
I growled with frustration, “None of us have ever spoken to him!How do you think Uriel is going to do so now?Anna, for all we know, our father is _gone_.”  

Anna looked up at me smiled sadly.  
“For your sake, brother, I hope that God _is_ gone.”

————————————————————————————————————

Dean materialized before me in an instant.  We were standing just as we were before— mere inches apart and my hands in his.  No time seemed to have passed at all.

The contrast between Anna’s cold, unforgiving face and the warmth and affection of Dean’s made any doubts I may have had about my decision completely melt away.  I almost forgot that I had a decision to make at all.

“Dean,”  I began almost inaudibly, “will you stay?”

I had always cherished the rare times that Dean smiled, but this wasn’t one I could appreciate for long.  Before I knew what was happening, Dean’s hands left mine to hold my face as his lips softly met mine.

I quickly forgot what it was like to have no purpose in God’s grand plan.  It didn’t matter to me that I was an outsider in my own kingdom.  The only explanation for the happiness I felt as Dean kissed me, my hands splayed against his chest as he held my head delicately in his hands, was that I had finally realized that what I had been waiting for all this time was not an answer, but a person.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this one is extra long!!  
> There is also blatant quoting of canon from season 5 in this chapter.  
> Enjoy, it's an important one!! :)

**Chapter 13**

“Cas, how many rooms are in this place?” Dean asked, sitting at the kitchen table tapping his fingers restlessly.  
From across the room I stood at the stove frustratedly trying to follow the instructions Dean had given me.He had decided a few weeks ago that my culinary skills—or lack thereof—were unacceptable, and it was ‘the least he could do’ to help me out.I tried my best to improve to make Dean happy, but I had never been so irritated in my entire life.

“What? Um, I’m not sure.A lot, I’d imagine.”I responded quickly and without thought.

“You haven’t seen all of ‘em?”He pressed on, his restless fingers ceasing their rapid movement.  


I could barely hear him over the sound of my own brain working tirelessly to figure out the task before me. “I…what?I don’t…I don’t know.” I mumbled angrily, continuing what I was doing with a furrowed brow.  


Dean chuckled softly and slid out of his chair, “Okay, this is just getting embarrassing.”He approached the stove and turned the dial to the OFF position.I turned abruptly to him, but as I began yelling at him he interrupted loudly, “Cas, listen!First of all, you’re a lost cause.I don’t mean that as an insult, it’s just a fact.Second of all, we’ve been cooped up in this place for _how_ long and neither of us have seen all of it?”

I somehow managed to pry my eyes away from the now completely destroyed meal on the stove to address Dean. “I, uh, I’m not sure.It’s been eight, nine months?Time is really irrelevant here, Dean.”He rolled his eyes dramatically and I continued,“It hadn’t occurred to me to explore the other rooms in the bunker, but if that’s what you would like to do-“

“Good!” Dean quickly interrupted, taking my hand and pulling me toward the stairs.He had been doing that more frequently lately; initiating physical contact with me.At the beginning of our…’relationship’ I suppose you could call it…he seemed shy, almost scared to touch me.I was grateful that he had began to do it more often since I was certainly not going to initiate it myself.I wanted to be near to him every moment of every day, but I was completely clueless as to _how_ to go about it.

Dean led us down to the first door at the very end of the hall and looked back at me with a boyish grin.

“It’s as good a place to start as any!” He shrugged, opening the door and pulling me inside.

The walls of the room were made completely of fully stocked book shelves and the room was dimly lit by a few antique looking lamps.There were a few pieces of worn out furniture by each lamp which Dean took the liberty to slump into almost immediately, letting go of my hand.

“Well I’ll be damned.This is like Sammy’s dream room come true.”Dean laughed, but there was sadness evident on his face.He quickly changed the subject, “That reminds me, how does this bunker even exist?I mean, I know you said that I’m not where I’m supposed to be or whatever, but then why did you take me here?”

I sat carefully next to him, unsure how near to or far from him I was supposed to sit and answered, “I told you before that I took you here because I wanted you to feel safe, but that wasn’t entirely true.At the beginning of this arrangement, I was only working toward impressing my father. I thought that putting a great deal of thought into picking the place where I would heal you was a good way to show my commitment.”Dean turned to me questioningly as I continued, “I would have taken you to your own Heaven but, as you know, your soul was too shredded to pinpoint exactly what or where that was.Instead, I decided to provide you with a place that would contain everything you might need to become an enlightened man of God.All I know about this bunker is that each room most likely symbolizes an important character trait that I believed you would need when you returned to earth.I guess this room,”I sighed, motioning to the shelves, “was supposed to bring you wisdom and intelligence.”Saying all of this now only made it more apparent how influenced I was by the Heaven’s standards and my obsession for pleasing my father.It was almost embarrassing how brain-washed I sounded.

Dean took my hand again.“What do you say we find out what other crazy ideas you had for me?” He smiled.As I looked up at him my embarrassment vanished.Dean wasn’t judgmental like the angels were; they would have made me feel worthless if they heard how desperate I was for father’s attention.But Dean…he understood that more than anyone.

I nodded quickly and Dean sprung into action, pulling me by the hand out of the room and directly into the next.

————————————————————————————————————

We stumbled into the final room several hours later, collapsing on a very comfortable looking couch from exhaustion.In the time it took us to search every room, we discovered that there was a lot more to the bunker than we had anticipated finding.Some may have held some symbolic meaning, but others seemed to be chosen at random.There were several rooms that looked to be laboratories of some sort, a room full of marked maps (which we spent more than enough time trying to decipher to no avail), a room filled with armor from what looked to be every era of human history, and much, much more.

Dean looked around the room and chuckled, “I gotta say, Cas, you definitely don’t have a future in the interior design industry.”  

I smiled and nodded, “Duly noted.”Although I knew that Dean was joking, something about him using the word ‘future’ bothered me.My smile faded as I asked, “However, it does make me wonder…what _is_ my future?”Dean locked eyes with me as I added, “What is _our_ future, Dean?”

Dean quickly shook away his suddenly solemn expression and joked, “Hey, there aren’t too many things that are impossible in Heaven.We could be tight-rope walkers in a circus if we really wanted to.”

“You know what I meant, Dean.” I sighed.  


He looked away from me and rolled his eyes, “Yeah, I do.But come on, Cas, why do we have to talk about that now?We’ve got all the time in the world, don’t we?”Dean leaned into me for a kiss, but I resisted by placing a hand on his chest.  


“How can you be sure of that?”I asked.Dean sighed and leaned away from me.I continued, “I don’t want us to be foolish.We could be wasting time right now without even knowing it.Uriel is still out there, God _is_ going to realize that it has taken me far too long to put you back on earth.”Dean was staring down at his lap, biting his lip nervously.With a sudden burst of bravery, I took his head in my hands and turned him toward me.My sudden contact seemed to startle Dean, but there was a hint of a smile on his lips.“I just want to make sure that you get to do everything you would have wanted to do on earth while we’re together.I don’t want you to regret your decision to stay.” I finished my sentence quietly, slightly uneasy about the weight of my words.

Dean covered one of my hands with his own, “Deciding to stay here with you is the best decision I’ve ever made for myself, Cas.You got nothing to prove.”He leaned in and kissed me softly, almost delicately.Dean always seemed to touch me with great care, as if he was going to hurt me if he held on too tight.At times, I was grateful for his carefulness, but I had begun to think that he truly believed that I _would_ break.

We broke apart and I leaned back as Dean tossed a pillow on my lap and laid himself down, making himself comfortable. We sat quietly for a while, our entwined hands resting against his stomach as I thought about what Dean said.While it seemed genuine, it didn’t seem possible to me that Dean could be so secure in his decision; after all, it was not a small commitment.  

There was one thing that I had been wanting to do for Dean for a very long time—something to show him how very beautiful his soul is and how much he means to me—and now was definitely the time to make it happen.

“Dean?”I whispered, softly jostling him out of his half-conscious state.  


“Hm?”  


“I was just wondering…do you…are you interested in seeing what your Heaven really is?”I asked nervously.I knew I would be risking our privacy as well as Dean’s safety by leaving the bunker, but he deserved to know that it would be possible.

“My what?I thought you said my soul is too screwed up to find it!”Dean exclaimed, excitedly sitting up and facing me.

“It _was,_ but you’ve made a lot of progress in the past couple of weeks.I haven’t checked yet, but I’m almost positive that your soul is strong enough for me to analyze.I can see it so clearly now.”I explained, my own excitement growing I imagined experiencing Dean’s happiest memories alongside him.  


“For real??” He practically shouted.  


“Yes, Dean.”I laughed.  
Dean’s smile was contagious.“What the hell are we waiting for then?Let’s get outta here!”He asked.I rolled my eyes sarcastically, one of the many gestures I had picked up from Dean in the past months, and pulled him closer to me.   


“Let me take a look first.”I ordered.Dean nodded and we both closed our eyes as I placed two fingers against his forehead.It all came flooding to me so freely now; it still took me by surprise when I realized I didn’t have to fight his subconscious barricade anymore.Some of Dean’s most precious memories came to me as well, but there were two in particular that interested me; the two that Dean’s soul reacted to very powerfully.

_Of course_ , I thought.

I opened my eyes and smirked up at Dean. “Are you ready, Dean?”

He cracked his eyes open briefly before shutting them again with a smile.  

“Fire away, Cas.”

————————————————————————————————————

As the sound of flapping wings softened, I opened my eyes to find that we had arrived at our first destination.

“You can open your eyes, Dean.”I said, lowering my hand from his forehead.

Dean blinked a couple of times as his eyes focused and turned to see the rest of the room.It had baby blue walls on which hung paintings and collages that had been made by a very young child.The bed was neatly made, but toys were strewn about as if a child had recently been at play.When I turned back to Dean, he was standing facing the bed, his entire body rigid.  
“Dean?”I asked, “Do you know where we are?”

Dean nodded, “Yeah.”His voice was quiet, almost broken sounding.He turned to me and whispered almost inaudibly, “ _Home._ ” I smiled and nodded my confirmation.Dean took two long strides toward me and began, “How did you-“

“ _Dean!”_ A woman’s voice rang from down the hallway. Dean’s face went completely blank.He exhaled shakily and turned toward the door just in time to see a beautiful blonde women in a white spring dress leaning her head into the room. 

Mary smiled sweetly at her son and cooed, “Dean, are you hungry?”  


Dean stared at her blankly for more than a few seconds.Even though I knew that in Dean’s Heaven his mother would not see me or be effected by my presence, I felt the need to take a few steps back to give them privacy.

“Mom?” Dean croaked, his voice sounding younger and more vulnerable than ever.Mary only smiled in response, her long blonde locks falling over her shoulder as she waited for her son’s response.Dean cleared his throat and continued, “Uh, yeah.Be down in a sec.”Mary smiled once more at Dean before swiftly disappearing from the doorway.

Dean remained stationary for moment, his gaze lingering where Mary had stood just seconds ago. 

“I don’t understand. Cas, how is she here?How does she even recognize me?The last time she saw me I was barely out of diapers.”He rambled.I walked toward him and placed my hand gently on his shoulder to turn him toward me.

“She sees you as she did then.This is a memory, Dean.One from deep down in the recesses of your brain that must have a great deal of importance to you.”I explained calmly.Dean began to relax as I spoke, but he was still staring at me as if expecting further instructions.I smiled, “You shouldn’t keep your mother waiting, Dean.”

A childlike smile spread widely across his face before he quickly left the room and bounded down the stairs.By the time I caught up to him, he was sitting at a table where Mary was pouring him a glass of milk.Not wanting to ruin the magic of this moment for Dean, I made my way quietly to the corner of the room and leaned against the wall, watching the scene play out.  


“Do you want the crust cut off?” She asked, looking down at him.

Dean blushed and nodded, “Yeah, I’d love that.”  


The way that Dean looked at his mother made it impossible for me not to grin.There was more than just love in his eyes; it was complete idolization.This memory of being loved and cared for by the woman that he has loved and missed with all of his heart was vital to Dean; it was his light at the end of the tunnel.Being able to witness it and seeing the unabashed delight on Dean’s face…it felt nothing short of an honor.

Mary rubbed Dean’s head lovingly after gathering the crusts on an empty plate and turning to take it back into the kitchen.Dean relished at her touch and sighed happily as she exited the room.After a moment he noticed me in the corner and smiled.This look was different from the one he gave Mary, and I could feel it in the pit of my stomach.There was admiration, gratitude, and something much more that felt much more intimate.I smiled and glanced down self-consciously, but I could still feel Dean staring as the phone in the kitchen rang loudly.

Dean swiveled in his chair to watch as Mary answered the phone and began whispering harshly at the person on the other end.Though we could only hear one side of the conversation, the scenario became clear to us very quickly as Mary’s posture and tone became more tense.She was arguing with John, but about what I could not be certain.  


“I remember this.Mom and Dad were fighting and Dad moved out for a couple of days.” Dean said, answering my question.  

Mary only spoke to John once more before angrily hanging up on him.

As soon as the call ended, Dean shot up out of his chair and approached her in the kitchen.Not at all expecting this reaction, I stumbled a bit on my way to meet them and paused when I reached the table.It didn’t matter if I was in the room with them; all Dean saw or wanted to see was Mary.

“It’s okay, Mom.”Dean comforted, pulling his mother tightly into his arms.He continued, “Dad still loves you.I love you, too.I’ll never leave you.”I felt tears welling up in my eyes; I couldn’t help it.The sincerity and innocence in Dean’s voice was not what you’d expect from a man who had been to Hell and back.Literally.It was clear to me Dean’s soul was whole again.Of course, there would still be scars and moments of vulnerability, but Dean had won the battle. _We_ had won the battle.

Mary pulled away and held Dean at arms length. Dean reluctantly removed his arms from her waist.

Cupping his face, Mary whispered, “You are my little angel.” The tears Dean was trying to hold back threatened to spill at any moment, but his smile never once faded.Mary took a deep breath and lightened the mood by cheerfully asking, “How ‘bout some pie?” as she passed Dean and made her way to the kitchen counter.  
Dean turned and slowly made his way over to me then, taking my face in his hands.

“Cas, I can never thank you enough for showing me this.”He said, his voice wavering.

“The pleasure is all mine, Dean.”I barely responded before Dean pulled me to him, kissing me with more passion than I had ever felt from another person.His hands fell from my cheeks as our lips parted, and I looked away from him as I felt my face heat up.“Come on, we have one more stop.”I urged, stepping away from the kitchen.

Dean stopped me and begged, “Can’t we stay for a few more minutes?Just let me live this one out a few minutes longer.Please, Cas.”He turned and watched as his mother pulled a fresh apple pie out of the oven and placed it on the cooling rack.I knew that if I didn’t pull Dean away while Mary was focusing on other things, I would never get him to leave.

“Dean.”I insisted, taking his hand and tugging it gently.He turned to me and nodded sadly.I did my best to smile reassuringly at him as I pulled him out to the main hallway of the house and right up to the front door.

“Wait a minute, I thought this was it.This was my Heaven, right?”Dean asked.

“People usually have more than one fond place or memory that they consider perfect enough to spend eternity reliving.There’s one more I would like you to see.”I told him, pulling open the door and leading Dean out into the grass.  


As soon as our feet made contact with the ground, the scene around us changed and Dean’s childhood home disappeared.

————————————————————————————————————

He once again took a few seconds to adjust to his new surroundings, observing the dark, open field surrounded by tall trees around us.All sorts of nocturnal insects could be heard buzzing from the forest of trees in the distance, but it was the sound of an old record playing that got Dean’s attention.

He turned around to where his home had just been to find the source of the music and his eyes immediately widened.

“Baby!”He shouted, smiling from ear to ear, startling me with his enthusiasm.“Oh, you are a sight for sore eyes.”He approached the car and patted the hood as if it were a long lost pet.It was incredibly endearing.  


“Forgive me,” I laughed, “I didn’t expect the car to be the part of this memory you would be most excited about.”

Dean shook his head, “Are you kidding?  This car was basically my home down there.  What else should I be excited about?”

I stood beside Dean and leaned against the hood of the car.  


“Well-“  


The sound of the car’s trunk slamming shut caused Dean to jolt upright, turning to the source of the sound.A tall brown-haired boy who couldn’t have been more than thirteen walked toward us, a box of firecrackers and sparklers in his arms.  


“Sammy?”Dean gasped.  


The boy smiled, “Come on, let’s go!”  


Dean’s mouth was still half-open in shock as he jogged to follow his younger brother out into the field.I chuckled softly as I walked behind the two, noting that this was perhaps the best mood I had ever been in.Dean’s radiance was impossible not to reflect; it almost felt like his happy memories were my own.  
Sam set the box down and looked up at his older brother. 

“Got your lighter?” he asked.

Dean scrambled for a minute before finding his lighter and pulling it out to examine.

“Woah! I haven’t seen this in years.”  


“Fire ‘em up!”Sam ordered, ignoring Dean’s comment.  

With a quick nod, Dean lit first Sam’s sparkler and then his own, holding it up above his head.As the fuse ran down, sparks began flying high into the air, the piercing sound of their explosions bringing bright smiles to their faces.  

I didn’t know much about the relationship between two brothers, but I knew that there was something different between the Sam and Dean in this memory and the Sam and Dean I knew now.I remembered the initial shock I felt when I found Sam on earth.He was cold, hard, and there was something else that didn’t even seem human.But here, he was nothing more than an adoring younger brother, and Dean seemed to love him just as much now as he did then.

“I remember this!”Dean yelled back to me, interrupting my thoughts, “It’s Fourth of July, 1996!”He turned back to Sam just as the fuse on both of their firecrackers had burned out.

Sam looked up at Dean, “Dad would never let us do anything like this.Thanks, Dean.This is great!”Without another word, Sam wrapped his arms around his older brother’s waists and squeezed him tightly.Dean stood stiffly in shock for a moment before hugging him back in a bit of a daze.When they parted, Dean nodded his head in the direction of the box sitting in the field and in an instant Sam was quickly running toward it, lighter in hand.  

He lit what looked like all of the fireworks at once, shouting, “Fire in the hole!” before sprinting back to where Dean stood and covering his ears.The first firework shot up into the air, then another, and then countless more, different sizes and colors lighting up the dark sky.Sam’s hands slowly fell from covering his ears as he watched in amazement, but Dean was only watching half of the show.When Sam was looking at the sky, Dean was gazing down at Sam, reveling in his brother’s excitement.

When Sam went running back out into the field to watch as the sparks fell, Dean turned to me.He made his way to my side and wrapped an arm around my waist, pulling me into him as he continued to watch his brother running about the field.I smiled and rested my head against Dean’s shoulder contently.Although I didn’t know Sam, Dean loved him unconditionally, and that made Sam important to me as well, no matter what he had become.If Sam was happy, Dean was ecstatic, and if that was the case, then I would make sure that Sam was never sad.  
Dean’s arm left my waist and he turned me by the shoulders to face him.I had never seen him smile this wide for this long, but I wished he would never stop.

“Cas, this—I can never repay you for the things you’ve done for me.And not just today.For everything.”He said, his eyes locked on mine.The intensity of our eye contact made me blush.  

When I looked away, Dean smiled, “Take me home, Cas.”

My heart skipped a beat, but I tried not to jump to any conclusions.Our definition of ‘home’ was more than a little hazy.  


“You…want to go back to earth?”I asked.It pained me to say it out loud.

Dean smirked, “Try again.”  


I picked another option.“You want to see Mary again?”  


“Try again.”He repeated, moving his hands to my waist.

“What is home then, Dean?”  


He smiled.“These memories have been incredible—and when I say incredible I mean like life-changing—But Cas, I think you had it right the first time around.”  


“The first time?” I asked.  


“It’s you, Cas.”He whispered, and though the fireworks were still bursting in the distance, I could clear him clear as day.“I think it’s always been you.So wherever we’re going, wherever you want me to be…I’m yours.”

I’d like it to be known that angels do not usually have the privilege of falling in love.We are not taught what to expect, what to feel, how to act.However, when it came to Dean, there was no right or wrong.It was remarkably easy to be in love.

————————————————————————————————————

The field and the trees dissolved from around us and the familiar walls of Dean’s room took their place.Dean’s hands were tight around my waist and I was kissing him with more force than was probably necessary, but I felt I needed it.I needed to really feel him there and to know that he wasn’t going away.  


“Breathe, Cas.” Dean whispered, smiling against my mouth.I hadn’t even realized I was nervous until I realized I was holding my breath.“This doesn’t have to be…all of this is on your terms.You know that, right?”He asked.  


I nodded, “I know that.”  


“Good.Then just do what feels right.”

_Everything that involves you feels right_ I thought, but instead just nodded and kissed him as I pulled him toward me and made my way to his bed.As we moved, Dean slid my long trench coat off my shoulders and began loosening my tie.  


“Dammit, Cas. Do you have to wear this many layers all the time?”He groaned.I rolled my eyes and began loosening the tie myself as he focused on undoing the buttons of my dress shirt.Once he slipped it off my shoulders, he began kissing and biting along the length of my neck (something I thought should be painful but was entirely the opposite) and his hands seemed to be everywhere.It hadn’t occurred to me to be self conscious, but I suddenly realized that I had never even seen my own vessel naked.  

More frustratingly than that, I hadn’t seen _Dean_ naked.

“Your turn.”I insisted, pushing his hands out of the way.  


“Impatient much?”He chuckled.I quickly unbuttoned his plaid button down and ungracefully pulled his white t-shirt over his head. As soon as it hit the floor, Dean’s mouth was back on my neck, hungrily kissing his way up and down. In one swift motion, Dean used his grip on my waist to hoist me up onto the bed, and in no time at all he was hovering over me.  


“You good?”He asked.His expression was more than slightly concerned; I desperately hoped that my own wasn’t giving as much away.

I nodded. “Are you?”  


With a devilish grin, he answered, “Of course I am, angel.” As he leaned down to kiss me again, I heard his words in my head. _Just do what feels right_.

I had zero experience.Everything I was doing or wanted to do was pure instinct and the last thing I wanted to do was ruin this moment.I understood how the basic mating process worked biologically, but it was evident that there was a whole lot more to it than I had imagined. I had to take a leap of faith and trust that Dean would help me as I attempted to figure this out.I moved my hand, which had been resting against his hip, slowly down to rub his hardening length through his jeans.To my horror, Dean groaned and his whole body tensed; I immediately stopped.

“I’m so sorry, Dean. Was that wrong?”

“NO, no, Cas that was…fuck.That was _not_ wrong.” He panted. “Unless I tell you to stop, I promise that everything you’re doing is great, okay?”

_Oh._ “Then I guess I’d better get back to it.” I smiled, returning to what I was doing with much more confidence.

“You. Are. Evil.”Dean panted.  


I laughed, “On the contrary.”

We continued like this for just a few seconds longer as Dean’s patience ran out.He quickly unbuttoned my dress pants, hooked his fingers in both my pants and my briefs and pulled them off.It didn’t take me long to get the message, and I quickly did the same for him (though, admittedly, with a bit of help).

Dean was the one who made a move this time, and it took just one stroke for me to understand why Dean had reacted the way he did.The sensation was unimaginably intense; I wasn’t sure how to handle it. I held on to Dean tightly and allowed myself to just feel everything that was happening, butDean only did this for a little bit longer before he stopped and held my face in his hands.  

The way he kissed me now was vastly different than he had even just this morning.He wasn’t careful not to hurt me, he wasn’t keeping each kiss short, he was doing something that he just realized he had been needing to do his entire life.He pressed his lips against mine as if he would die if we parted too soon.The only reason I knew this was because it was exactly the way I was feeling.

“Cas?”He whispered as he pulled away, “I want to do this—I _need_ to do this…I feel like I’ve never needed somebody this much—but we can’t.We don’t have…everything that we need.There’s, uh…I don’t know how to explain this.”I may have been mistaken, but it seemed as though Dean Winchester wasn’t the confident, macho man he believed himself to be.Dean Winchester was absolutely and legitimately nervous.And suddenly, I had the upper hand.

“I don’t think you need to explain it, Dean.”

“You don’t?”

I grinned knowingly at him and nodded my head in the direction of the nightstand beside the bed.“Top drawer.I’m sure you’ll find everything you need.”  
When Dean told me that I could take him anywhere and do anything, I knew that I wanted him to have everything he needed.It just so happened that, in this case, what Dean and I _really_ needed was condoms and some lubricant.

He pulled the contents out and exclaimed, “How the hell did you-“  


“Is that really what’s important to you right now?” I interrupted.

Dean shook his head with a smile of disbelief. “Touché.”He conceded, and promptly got to work.  
Since I trusted that Dean knew exactly what needed to be done, I spent whatever time I had left trying to calm myself down.This was _Dean._ I trusted him.I loved him. He would take care of me. I rested my hand against the still prominent scar on Dean’s shoulder as his face leveled with mine.

“Are you sure?”He asked one last time.  


I nodded. “I’m sure.”

He smiled reassuringly and placed one quick kiss upon my lips before reminding me, “If you want me to stop, all you have to do is tell me.”  
I bit my bottom lip and closed my eyes. _Deep breaths,_ I reminded myself as Dean’s first finger slowly entered me.The stretch did burn as anticipated, but it soon felt _amazing_.When I didn’t resist, Dean fit in another, pushing in and out in all sorts of ways meant to prepare me.I didn’t know it was possible to feel this way; the minor pain that I did feel beneath the pleasure was absolutely worth the intimacy I felt between us and the indescribable pleasure.

I was practically writhing beneath Dean when he finally spoke, “Cas, open your eyes.Are you okay?”  


I opened my eyes to see his concerned but lustful gaze just inches from my face and I quickly begged, “I’m okay. Do it. Please.”

Dean took my chin lightly in his hand to secure our eye contact and whispered, “Cas, you know that I love you, right?”  
It couldn’t have been a more perfect sentence; I had been waiting far too long to hear those words. I nodded enthusiastically in response, however, Dean still looked uncertain as to what he should do. 

I held his face in my hands and kissed him softly, muttering, “I love you. I trust you.”

Just as I had begun to brace myself, Dean pushed himself slowly into me moaning at the sudden tightness.He remained still, waiting for me to adjust; his size was quite a bit larger than the two fingers he had prepared me with.I breathed deeply for a few seconds before nodding at him to continue, and he looked more than happy to comply.

Dean worked his way into a steady but slow pace, and it didn’t take long for whatever was left of the pain to melt into unadulterated _need._ Though every single sensation was incredibly heightened and entirely new, it didn’t feel like this was the first time.We fit together so perfectly—I hadn’t even known it was possible to be so in sync with another being.

Suddenly, when Dean thrust into me, I was seeing stars.I cried out loudly, unable to contain myself, and became vaguely aware that Dean had been doing the same.He seemed to be mumbling a mixture of expletives and comforting words, but none of it meant anything to me.I couldn’t think straight; all I wanted was _more_ and it felt like I would explode if I didn’t get it soon.

I began to see stars with every thrust, and soon I felt something building in the pit of my stomach that I couldn’t describe.

“Dean..” I warned, not sure what was happening but knowing that I needed him now more than ever.  

He groaned and managed to respond, “It’s okay. I got you”

His hand found it’s way back to my erection and he stroked up and down in time with his thrusts. It was all I could do to keep my eyes open, but I didn’t want to miss a single moment of this.With just two or three more thrusts, I felt an explosion of pleasure as my orgasm rushed through me.My entire body tightened, and I held on to Dean as if my life depended on it.I watched as Dean’s eyes clenched shut and he cried out as he climaxed, burying his face in my neck as he rode it out.

We stayed like that as our breathing slowed in a state of complete euphoria.As far as I was concerned, this was the only Heaven there would ever be for me.All I would ever need for the rest of my existence was Dean’s love and moments like this when nothing else in the universe mattered.

Dean managed to get enough energy to sit up and clean us both up, allowing me time to try to understand the weight of what had just happened between us.I firmly believed that there was no greater bond in the universe than the one between Dean and I.We were quite literally brought together by God; it didn’t seem like anything else could ever be as divine.

My eyes had drifted shut as my body became more relaxed, but suddenly Dean was beside me pulling a blanket over us both.  


“You’re not going to sleep on me now, are you?” He joked, kissing my forehead.

“Of course not,” I lied, “I’m wide awake.”  


Dean laughed, “Good, ‘cause it just so happens that I’m a cuddler, so you can’t sleep just yet.” He slid his hand beneath me and pulled me up to rest against his chest.

“Whatever you want.”I sighed with a smile, making myself comfortable.

It almost didn’t feel real to me, lying there with my head against Dean’s chest still struggling to understand the immense love that I never knew was possible.However, I knew for a fact that, possible or not, it’s effect on me was infinite.

“Goodnight, angel.” Dean yawned, wrapping an arm around me.  


 

We fell asleep together, in _our_ Heaven, with my hand resting perfectly upon the brand on his shoulder.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

Nothing had ever been more peaceful.Of course, I didn’t physically need sleep and I had never actually tried, but drifting into unconsciousness with Dean in my arms could only appropriately be described as ‘heavenly’.

I awoke much earlier than he—my vessel seemed to physically benefit from the rest, but I could only keep my mind quiet for so long.When my eyes fluttered open, the memories of the day with Dean came flooding back and a lazy smile spread across my face.The look on Dean’s face when he saw his mother in his childhood home, the adoration in his eyes when a very young Sam wrapped his arms around his waist.To think that I was responsible for even one small fraction of that happiness was overwhelming.

But there were other emotions as well; emotions that were much different than a familial bond.Stronger, somehow.When my thoughts drifted to what had happened when Dean and I returned to the bunker—remembering the feeling of skin against skin, the soft whispers of ‘i love you’, the most intense sensations I had ever experienced—I looked up at Dean as he slept.He hadn’t been plagued with nightmares in a very long time.In fact, I had hardly ever seen Dean’s face wrinkle with worry or fear since the moment we first kissed. 

Dean’s face was smooth and calm now, the soft sound of his breathing filling the room. Unable to help myself, I propped myself up onto my elbow and kissed Dean softly on the forehead, pulling away just in time to see his eyes flutter open.

He groggily mumbled, “That’s a damn good way to wake up.”He rubbed at his eyes for a moment before pulling my face towards his for a proper kiss on the lips.

I smiled when we parted, “Hello, Dean.”

“Mornin’, Cas.”

For one brief, terrifying moment, I was afraid that Dean was going to remember everything that happened last night and regret it, that he would push me away and claim that all of this was a mistake, but there wasn’t a single trace of remorse on his face. Dean was smiling sleepily at me, his arm tightening around my waist.Everything was alright, and I did not take for granted how rare that was.  


“Thanks for yesterday.”Dean mumbled, using his free hand to run his fingers up and down my arm.“And not just for the Heaven stuff or…you know, anything after that.”He laughed shyly, then quickly added, “Not that that wasn’t amazing because, trust me, Cas, it _was_.But I mean, I don’t think I’ve ever been that happy.Not with Sammy, not with mom.How I feel now…I never felt anything like this until you.”

I felt my heart rate increase as I stared into his eyes.“Your gratitude isn’t necessary, Dean.I would do anything to make you happy.”I responded.However, knowing how Dean felt somehow sparked a realization in me.He had just helped me to explain why I could never quite accept any of these new emotions as being _real_.

“I didn’t really have a firm grasp on what humanity was all about when we met,”I began, trying to find the right words to explain how I could relate to how he was feeling, “because up until then, I believed that my only purpose was to please my father.I thought that was all life could be for angels.”I laughed softly, “Maybe that’s what it’s _supposed_ to be, at least.But now that I know what life truly is…I don’t think I could ever go back to whatever meaningless existence I led before.As far as I am concerned, my life began with you.”

As the words came flooding out of me, I finally felt a sense of satisfaction, of finally having figured out what was nagging at my brain.Dean simply smiled in response, nuzzling himself closer to me.It was unbelievably relieving, but at the same time, something felt wrong.I knew of course that our love was frowned upon by the angels, and maybe even by God himself, but there was something else grabbing my attention.

That’s when I began to hear a muffled voice.

“Do you hear that?” I asked Dean, abruptly sitting up in bed and straining my ears to find the origin of the sound.

Dean, clearly shaken by my sudden outburst, slowly sat up beside me and answered, “Hear what?”

“That voice.Someone was calling my name just now.”  

Dean considered this and suggested light-heartedly, “Is it…I mean, could it be that angel radio thing you got in your head?”

I cocked my head to the side and listened again.The voice was clearly saying my name; if it were physically nearby, Dean definitely would have heard it.However, no message from another angel had ever been received so poorly.It was as if we were on completely different stations and the other angel could barely reach me.

“It’s never been this unclear before…”My voice trailed off as the voice became louder.

_Downstairs, Castiel._

I took Dean’s hand and squeezed it.“Dean, you need to stay here.”

“What?Why?Where are you going?”He blinked a few times to process the sudden subject shift.

“I’m going downstairs and I need you to stay here until I come and get you, alright?Everything is fine, I just need to check something.” I lied.

Without waiting for a response, I teleported from the room and (making sure I was fully dressed again) arrived in the middle of the downstairs kitchen.

The voice that came from behind me made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

“Oh, Castiel.You’ve really done it this time, haven’t you?”

I slowly turned to address the intruder who leaned casually against the table.

“Get out.”I ordered.Uriel only laughed in return, stepping away from the table and toward me.Once again, I warned, “You have no business being here. _Get out!_ ”

Uriel sighed, “Unfortunately, it _is_ my business now.”I didn’t know where Uriel had beenfor the past several months, but I knew for a fact that he had been contemplating ways to take me down.What could he possibly have against me now?Helplessly, I sent a signal for help from any angel who could pick it up.Anna, Gabriel, anybody.But the only thing I could hear in response was static.

“Interesting, isn’t it?”Uriel spoke, eyes locked on mine, “How quickly your worth can deteriorate.”

I tilted my head at him, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  
Uriel quickly responded, “Your connection is a little fuzzy.Isn’t it, Castiel?”My eyes widened, as did Uriel’s smile.“I thought as much.This is what happens when angels lose sight of what they are and who they were created to serve.”He slowly strode over to me until we were inches apart. “I told you not to do this.I told you to keep your emotions in check.”He growled.  

My mouth fell open slightly; he couldn’t possibly know what had happened.As far as I knew, he had been doing nothing but turning every angel against me, shutting me out of the network.That had to be the explanation for my poor connection now.Nothing more.

“My…my emotions are purely of…of a healing and helping nature.I’m helping Dean to reach his full potential.”I stuttered, somehow still feeling guilty for my lies.

Uriel rolled his eyes.Ignoring my claim, he mocked,“Where is Dean now, Castiel?Still basking in a post-coital glow?”Uriel was laughing now, the grating sound reverberating across the room.“Did you think you would get away with it?Directly disobeying God’s orders and being intimate with a charge?Dean could have been brought back to earth months ago, Castiel.Is last night what you were keeping him around for?”

“That is _not_ what this is about!”I growled, offended that he would even consider that as a possibility.It was clear that Uriel wanted to take me down for this, but I wasn’t going without a fight.I had to find some way to make him understand; to keep him from telling our father.“Just ask Anna.She of all the angels in our garrison can understand why I did what I did.”  


Uriel squinted at me in confusion for a moment before a slow, cold smile spread across his face. 

“What?”I yelled.

“You don’t know?”He asked. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.With the state your grace is in, it’s surprising you were even able to teleport down here without tiring yourself out, let alone sense other angels in your garrison.”Before I could ask what he meant about the condition of my grace, he continued, “Anna has fallen, Castiel.”  


My mouth fell slightly open in shock.“She…what?How? Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

“She, as well as every other angel in our garrison, sensed what was happening to _your_ grace and called a meeting.Anna told us to let you be, to allow your despicable behavior to continue, but we would not comply.”He responded, “She gave up.Said something about hating our kind and wanting to feel real human emotion.She removed her own grace and fell.Of course, we’ll have to hunt her down eventually, but right now we’re a lot more interested in you, Castiel.”

My mind was spinning with the overwhelming information I had just received.Anna was the only one who had ever truly been on my side; the only one I could think of to turn to when all else failed.Now, I stood no chance against Uriel and his new followers.

Uriel continued, “Since you didn’t sense Anna’s falling, I’m going to assume that your grace is already significantly damaged.At this rate, you’ll soon be falling as well…unless you take our deal.”

At that, my interest was piqued.I asked, “What deal?”

“If you give us Dean Winchester and allow us to put him back on earth as God intended, your grace will be fully restored.Of course, Dean’s memory will have to be erased.We can’t have a mortal walking around with images of Heaven and blasphemy swirling around in his delicate little brain.I’m sure you understand.”He replied with faux concern.

I growled, “I would rather fall a million times than let that happen.My answer is no.You may leave now.”

Uriel held up a hand to silence me and chuckled, “Ah, I was afraid you might say that.I was hoping you would make the right decision for your sake…now, I have to do this by force.”At my blank expression, he sighed, “Sorry, the choice is no longer yours.Well, I suppose it never really was in the first place.It felt empowering while it lasted though, didn’t it?”

My fists clenched instinctively, earning another laugh from Uriel.I retorted, “Uriel, if you erase Dean’s memory, you will not only be taking away his time with me, you will be taking away every bit of progress he has made since he got here.He will be returning to earth just as damaged as he was in Hell!”  
Uriel rolled his eyes, “His soul is fixed already.Why would his memories of Hell be an issue?”

“His soul will never be fixed!It is only barely whole now!Without memory of the healing we’ve done together, I don’t know how long it can last!”I pleaded, embarrassed by how my voice shook.

“We’ve decided to take a risk.”He calmly answered.“Be grateful, Castiel.Your grace is safe.You’ll still be chastised for your actions, of course, but you will remain in Heaven doing God’s work.”  

I was frozen where I stood.I wanted to attack, to make Uriel pay for what he was doing, to beg for him to show some mercy, but I couldn’t even bring myself to phonate.I simply stood and stared blankly as Uriel firmly stated, “I’ll allow you to say your goodbyes, Castiel.We’ll call Dean to us shortly.”

Once I was alone, it hit me all at once.My entire body was shaking; it was all I could do to pull myself up the stairs and open the door to Dean’s room.I was all too aware of my weakness now.Even if I thought that flying somewhere to hide Dean and myself would be a good idea, I would not be able to do it now. I stumbled in clumsily just as Dean was pulling on a shirt, facing away from me.

“Hey, I was just coming down to see if everything was alright-“Dean’s voice faltered when he turned and saw my expression.“Cas?You okay?”

I was at a complete loss for words.How could I explain this to him and make him believe that everything would be alright?It was definitely _not_ alright.I knew Uriel too well.He wasn’t just going to put Dean back.He was going to make Dean pay for his sins in unfathomable ways, just as he was planning on doing to me.Looking at Dean now, I felt helpless

“Dean,” I trembled, “I am so sorry.”  

Dean rushed walked toward me and I quickly pulled him into my arms, burying my face in the crook of his neck and trying to control my breathing.

Dean slowly and questioningly returned the hug before asking, “What are you sorry for?”He grasped my shoulders and pushed me lightly away so that we were face to face. “Cas, what’s going on?”

I shakily exhaled, “They’re taking you back, Uriel and the others.They’re bringing you back to earth.Immediately.”  

Dean’s grip on my shoulders loosened. “I’m sorry, what? Why?”He asked angrily.

I closed my eyes as I responded, “My grace was compromised because of what we did, and the garrison could sense it.They know, and they’re angry.We’re being punished, Dean.”

“Hold on,” Dean interrupted, “what do you mean your grace is compromised?”

“Dean, that’s not your concern-“

“The hell it is!”Dean shouted.He took my face in his hands and lowered his voice, “Cas, I didn’t know that you would…I’m sorry…”

I grasped his wrists and silenced him, “I’m not sorry.Don’t you _dare_ be sorry, Dean.Even if I thought it would kill me, I wouldn’t be sorry for this.Not for one second.I can survive without my grace, Dean.Right now, however, I’m unsure whether or not I can survive without you to remind me what living is.”

Dean smiled sadly and took a step away from me, running his hand through his hair.“Then we gotta fight it, Cas.What’s our plan?How are we gonna fix this?”

“Dean-“  
“Dammit, Cas, don’t you dare give up!”Dean bellowed.He angrily blinked away the tears in his eyes.“Look, even if they put me back down there, I’m never gonna stop searching for a way to get back to you.They’re gonna have to let you come down eventually.I’ll raise hell if I have to, you know I will.”

My heart dropped; I wished so badly for that to be a possible solution.To know at least that with Dean back on earth, he still loved me.That he would still be waiting for me.That he would be there to welcome me with open arms when I finally beat all of this.

“Uriel must have thought of that, too.”I told him, trying as best as I could to keep my voice even.“He said that…that when he puts you back, your memory of me will be completely erased.You’ll remember hell, and your soul will remain in tact, but I’ll be gone.Everything we worked so hard to fix, everything we were to each other.You will never get that back.”I trembled, wishing so badly that I could be stronger for him.  

Dean shook his head in disbelief.“He can’t do that.Cas, tell me he can’t do that. _Please_!” he cried.

“I’m sorry-“ I whispered as Dean turned away and angrily slammed his fist against the wall.He was breathing heavily now and was no longer trying to stop the tears falling from his eyes.

He turned back to me and asked, “What about you?What are they gonna do to you?”

I shrugged, “It doesn’t matter.I’ll be as good as dead once you’re gone.”

“Don’t say that.”He muttered, “I have to know that you’re gonna be okay, Cas.Even if I won’t remember it…no, I _will_ remember it.”He groaned angrily, “Why are you giving up?!”

“I’m not giving up, I’m being honest!”I shouted.“I have no power, I have no connections.All I have is you and they’re taking you away from me.”I rushed over to him and placed my forehead against his, taking his face in my hands.With my eyes closed, I began whispering.“Dean, I will fight this.I will never stop fighting this.And wherever they take you, I will find you there.I’m not going to let them hurt you.You’ll be fine, I can promise you that much.I’ll be-“

The warmth that had been pressing against my forehead suddenly felt much cooler.The sound of broken sobs and unsteady breathing was gone as well, the silence in it’s place deafening.I couldn’t open my eyes, I _would not_ open my eyes.This was all just a nightmare.A guilt-induced dream.Somewhere deep down, my subconscious was feeling badly for disobeying my father.I would wake up to see Dean’s face inches from mine, sleeping soundly in my arms.I hadn’t failed Dean; that was impossible.It was just a nightmare.  


With one more deep breath, I slowly allowed my eyes to open.My hands were reaching out toward someone that was no longer there.The room was cold.The only thing to be heard was the beating of my own heart.

At least if it were a nightmare, I would wake up.Reality is seldom so generous.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

I couldn’t say whether it had been days or months. I couldn’t say where I was or even how I had gotten there, but I knew that it was useless to try to make sense of any of it.There seemed to be no escaping the barren cell in which I had been placed.Blood was steadily flowing from my vessel’s angel-blade-inflicted wounds and Dean’s shouts echoed from down the hallway making my skin crawl.Sometimes he would call out my name in broken sobs, but now it was mostly just screaming and labored breathing that I could just barely hear in the middle of the night.That’s when the angels would let him rest.  

During the day, they would burst into his room unannounced and punish him.It started out as just physical abuse, as they had done with me.Of course, for Dean they didn’t need to work as hard to bring him pain.One of Heaven’s run-of-the-mill, brain-washed angels would be sent to torture him while Uriel and some of his more experienced followers came to me with angel blades at the ready.It occurred to me that these angels were no better than the demons who tortured souls in Hell.

This phase of the punishment didn’t last long for me, unfortunately.I would gladly die if it meant I didn’t have to sit and listen to the horrible things they said and did to Dean day after day, powerless to stop any of it.I wasn’t sure how they were doing it, but I soon realized that although I could hear Dean clear as day, he could hear none of my promises to save him or my reassurances that we would survive this, both of us.

The most horrific pain for me came when the angels began taunting Dean.About Sam’s betrayal, about his father’s abuse, and worst of all, about our relationship.

_“You think an Angel of The Lord would ever consider you to be worth more than a lowly, pathetic ape? You’re nothing to him.You don’t mean anything to anyone.”_ Dean would try desperately to shut them up, to fight back, but it didn’t take much to break him down by the time the taunting began.He soon started taking their comments without rebuttal; all I could hear was him gasping for air.

Through all of this, I would sit against the cold bars of my cell, closing my eyes as tightly as possible and wishing that they would just let me die.

It wasn’t until the sound of Dean’s breathing started to fade that I began to panic.I couldn’t just sit and wait for something to happen anymore, I had to fight.For Dean, I had to fix this.With great difficulty, I used the bars to pull myself to my feet.

“Hey! Anyone!”I began shouting, hoping that I could catch someone’s attention.“You got what you wanted from us.You punished me and you punished Dean Winchester.You’re done!”Much to my surprise, the sound from the other room stopped almost immediately.However, nobody appeared outside of my cell.It was completely silent for the first time in a _very_ long time.

“Have I gotten your attention now?”I growled.After several minutes of no response, I angrily slammed my fist against the bars, shocked when the bar _moved_.It wiggled just barely out of place.As I stared at it, a part of me realized that the angels never would have been this careless, that they must have wanted me to escape for some reason, but at the moment I didn’t care.I backed up and kicked at the bar until it broke free and clamored to the ground outside the cell.The fact that nobody came running to secure me back into my cell confirmed my belief that this was all planned, yet I couldn’t bring myself to stop kicking.I broke down three or four more bars, just until there was a hole big enough to fit me, and I squeezed myself through.

I moved as quickly as I could down a hall that had almost no source of light before I realized that I had no idea where I was going.I knew it was almost pointless to try, but after a moment of consideration, I called for Dean.  
“Dean?Dean, please…I’m trying to find you.”It remained eerily quiet.“Dean, if you can hear me, make a noise.Anything. Bang on the wall, shout, I don’t care just help me find-“  
Before I could finish my sentence, a hoarse whisper echoed down the hall.  
“Cas.”My heart almost leaped out of my body as Dean choked out my name, “Cas, I’m here.”

A wild smile that I couldn’t suppress spread across my face and I laughed breathlessly, “Good!Good, Dean!Keep talking!”

I followed the sound of his voice down the hall quite a bit before I finally reached a door that was only halfway shut.I pushed it open slowly and checked the far corners of the room to make sure there were no intruders before my eyes finally settled on Dean sitting slouched against the wall.A lazy smile spread across his face, “Took you long enough.”

I took no more than two steps before collapsing on the ground right in front of him and taking his face in my hands, “Are you alright?”

“Are you?”He asked, his eyes shifting down to my blood soaked shirt.I barely felt the wound anymore, there had been a seemingly endless flow of blood from it ever since Uriel inflicted the gash, but my vessel seemed to be holding up.Another trick by the angels, I suspected.They would show me pain beyond imagination, but they wouldn’t let me die.

“I’m fine now.Dean, are you well enough to walk?We have to try to get out of here.”I slipped an arm around his waist and tried to pull Dean up, but he just stared up at me incredulously.“What’s wrong?”I asked.

“That’s new too.” Dean mumbled, “First the bloody shirt and now trying to escape?”

“Dean, what are you talking about?”  
Dean laughed coldly, “Is this some sort of test?No name calling, no ‘I never loved you’ speech, just a test to see if I can get out of here?”

I shook my head, “Dean, no.This is _real._ This isn’t Uriel, this isn’t a test, this is me.”He squinted at me skeptically and wriggled out of my arms.

“How?How could you have escaped?”He asked.  
I replied uncertainly, “I think they wanted me to get out.I have a feeling they’re waiting for us.The bars of my cell were loose; they don’t make mistakes like that, Dean.This was intentional.”Dean nodded and—seeming to have accepted that I was not a hallucination—he allowed me to lift him up onto his feet.

“Well, alright then.If they’re waiting for us, let’s give ‘em hell.”He grinned, wrapping an arm over my shoulders for support.“Just so you know,” he added, “If you end up not being real, I’m gonna be pissed.”  
I laughed breathlessly, “Noted.”  
We walked together out of the room, Dean leaning almost entirely on me, and we walked until we reached a dead end.

“How is that possible?This was the only way we could go.”Dean panted, out of breath from the walk.It was quickly becoming clear to me that Dean was in worse condition that he was letting on.  

“I think that’s the point.”I answered, and just as the words left my mouth, the setting around us changed entirely.We were suddenly both standing at the end of a long table in what appeared to be a fancy dining room.Not only that, but Dean suddenly was able to put both feet firmly on the ground and stand on his own.The blood was gone from my shirt and the bruises were gone from Dean’s face.I was so caught off guard by the changes that it took far longer than it should have for me to sense Uriel in the room.

“Now that you two have ‘freshened up’ a bit, let’s get right down to business, shall we?”Uriel’s low voice echoed at a menacing decibel.Dean took a step forward as if to attack and I quickly grabbed his arm to stop him, earning a laugh from Uriel.

He cleared his throat, “Here is what’s going to happen next.When I leave this room, all will be forgiven.”Uriel had gotten both of us to listen with that, but his cold smile didn’t bode well with me.He continued, “All will be forgiven because you two are going to make things right.I’ve been generous enough to let Dean keep his memory until you heroically broke free to save him.Now it’s your turn to even out the playing field, Castiel.”

I swallowed down the lump in my throat, “I’ll do whatever you ask if you let us go, Uriel.”It was all I could do not to cringe at how horribly submissive I sounded.

Uriel smiled.“I know.That’s why, when I leave this room _you_ will reset Dean’s memory and _you_ will send him back down to earth.”My mouth fell open in response and I stared at him in shock.Uriel simply rolled his eyes at me.“What, did you think that a few cuts with a little blade would be your whole punishment?You _lied_.You sinned far beyond I even believed you capable, and now you’re going to fix it.”

My grip on Dean tightened and I took a small step forward to stand beside him.I looked up at Uriel, “I suppose now is where you’d like me to ask what will happen if I don’t do as you say?”

Uriel scoffed, “Well, if you want to be dramatic about it…” he strode forward calmly and slowly before finishing, “If you don’t perform this simple task, the apocalypse will be imminent.Everyone Dean knows and loves will be dead, the entire world will be obliterated, and it will be entirely your fault.”

“Doesn’t that seem like a little much?”Dean mocked, “I mean, no offense, but it kinda seems like you’re overcompensating, buddy.”  
Uriel laughed sarcastically, “No, no.You don’t understand, Dean.Without you to be used as our dear brother Michael’s vessel, Lucifer wins.The world ends.Game over.You can say goodbye to your precious Sam and all your little friends down there.”  
Dean’s body stiffened.He turned to me and whispered harshly, “Cas, what’s he talking about?”

My heart rate increased as I realized that there really may be no way out of this.The entirety of the human race was in my hands.What scared me the most was that I was actually considering letting the earth turn to dust just so I could stay with Dean.

Uriel made a dismissive gesture and sighed, “Tell him or don’t.It doesn’t make a difference.He won’t remember in a few minutes, anyway.”Uriel smiled cruelly at us before turning away.I thought seriously for a moment about attacking him from behind, about finding an angel blade and killing him right then and there, but I knew that the problem would still be far from solved even with Uriel gone.

Just before Uriel left the room, he turned to us and muttered, “I’ll see you soon, Dean.Both of us will.” and then suddenly we were alone.

“That son of a bitch.”I whispered angrily, clenching my hands into fist and squeezing my eyes shut.  
“Cas, what did he mean ‘both of us’?”Dean asked.

“He means that he’s going to make me suffer.He means that once you’re back on earth, I’ll have to be on his side.You’ll consider me the enemy.”

Dean shook his head, “Then don’t wipe my memory, Cas!You know you don’t have to!You could just-”

“Dean, what difference does it make?If I don’t do it, _h_ e will.”I answered hopelessly.

Dean stared at me a moment longer before shaking his head in agreement and taking a step away from me.It all started to become real to me as I stood there; this could be my very last moment with _my_ Dean Winchester.

“There’s no getting out of this one, is there?”Dean croaked.All I could to was shake my head in response, and before I knew it Dean had wrapped his arms around me so tightly that I thought I may never breathe again.I almost wished that I wouldn’t.

“Dean, I don’t want to-“My voice cracked and I choked back a sob before somehow managing to choke out, “I can’t go back to what I was before.If my life began with you, then it has to end with you too.”

“What did I say before?”Dean said. “Even if I don’t remember it, you gotta promise me that you’re going to make it.That you’re gonna try to get back to me.They can clean the slate, but _this_ ,” he pulled away to place his hands on either side of my face, “they can never stop us, Cas.I’ll fall in love with you all over again, I know I will.”

I laughed half-heartedly, “Since when are you the one making the best out of a horrible situation?”

Dean shrugged.“I guess I’ve picked up a thing or two while I’ve been here.”I smiled and pulled Dean back to me and held him until my arms were numb, until I wasn’t sure that we were even two separate beings anymore, and then slowly released him and backed away.Dean wiped away tears as he mumbled, “Alright, let’s do this.”

I smiled sadly.“Dean.Look at me.”When he reluctantly looked up, I took a deep breath and spoke, “I am going to remember.I’m going to remember it all.From the moment I pulled you out of Hell to the very second you leave this room, I’m keeping all of it with me.I brought you to life once, and I can do it again.”I stepped as close to him as I could and placed my hand on his forehead.

I knew my voice was shaking and that I wouldn’t be able to stop the tears from falling, but I continued, “And when I do, I’m gonna tell you every single story from the beginning to right here and now.It’ll be like you never left me.”Dean smiled and placed a hand on my cheek.I closed my eyes and exhaled slowly. 

“I love you, Cas.”  Dean whispered.

With one soft press of my two fingers against his forehead, it was all over.  I opened my eyes and stared at the wall that was now in front of me, wondering if I’d ever be able to bring myself to move again, to feel anything that wasn’t pain again.  Pain…just one emotion from an infinite list of things Dean taught me to feel.  Pain, I now know, is just a side affect of love.

From behind me came a gust of cool air and I braced myself for that same cold voice that grates at my ears.Uriel spoke firmly,

 

“Come, Castiel.  Let us get started.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After this chapter is just an epilogue, everyone!! It will recap the first episode of season 4, but from Cas' point of view after all of this has happened. I can't wait for you to read it! Huge thank you to Bridget for finally making me write this horribly sad chapter.


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